I don't know what it is about a quasi-formed baby that makes me laugh, but laugh I do. Is it their cute, beady eyes, their vestigial tails, the way they float in a sac of fluid like little aliens…? Who knows? But for the past few months, I've had an odd obsession with fetuses, or feti as I like to call them. I can't even remember why the obsession started. Right now I am wracking my brain thinking back to the beginning of the summer when I had my idea for Fetal Infestation, trying to figure out where the hell these fetal thoughts began.

 

I got it! I was just sitting in the car, somewhere on the Florida Turnpike between Gainesville and Coral Springs, when it just popped into my head how fucking funny it would be if feti came back from the dead as little monsters that wanted to eat their mothers. It just came out of nowhere. My friend, the crazy Asian Jerry Jun, was in the car with me and, of course, he found it hilarious. We discussed the topic of abortion and how funny feti look in those freaky biology book pictures. Eventually that conversation died down but the thought of babies never left us.

We got antsy as we approached Coral Springs, so we started making signs to put on display for people in other cars. One of those signs included "Poo Poo," (this one was accompanied by Jerry holding fake dog poop in his yellow Asian hands), and a sign that read "Kill Eat More Babies." That's not about feti exactly, but it's close enough. Besides, feti are much easier to eat than full-grown newborns so it is only logical to assume that we meant the fetal form of babies.

I'm sure we offended many people but the only thing we feared was an attack from a crazy, Christian fundamentalist driving a pick up truck. Considering we were driving up to Alachua County, chances were good that we would run into one or two or ten. What I really should have been afraid of however, was my mom. Turns out she rummaged through my car when I got home and found the god damn sign. Oh man, was she ever pissed. I got bitched at for ten minutes about how some crazy, Christian fundamentalist driving a pick up truck could have shot us had they driven by.

Despite the negative feedback it had gathered thus far, my obsession grew into ambitious business plan to monopolize on America's growing desensitization on the subject of abortion. Though it is still a touchy subject, and probably will be for a while, enough people are fucked up enough (like I am) to dig my next idea.

This is a screenshot of the title screen on 'Fetal Infestation'. I am still trying to find someone to make it POW! More blood than mortal kombat

Fetal Infestation is my idea for a crazy, new, innovative video game with the possibility of movies based on it, kind of like Tomb Raider but with out the big boobs or the tombs that are being raided. This video game will be a first person shooter that involves the ghosts/zombies/whatever of aborted feti coming back to haunt the mothers that killed them. You get to pick "Pro Choice" or "Pro Life" in the beginning and go from there. The Pro Choice track would put you in command of an avenging mother who had had an abortion, and you are not taking this crap anymore. You've seen one too many zombie feti and now you are putting a stop to it with your assortment of weapons like the broomstick, coat hanger, abortion pill grenade, shotgun (a classic first person shooter fav), flame thrower, and various other weapons. If you would rather kill sinning mother whores, then the Pro Life track is for you. It takes you on an adventure as a lone Fetus, traveling through the unsuspecting neighborhoods and killing dogs and kids and anything else that gets in the way as you search for the bitch mother that aborted you. The Fetus is armed with weapons such as the umbilical whip, amniotic sac splatter attack, unformed limb launcher, and ever popular "You killed me you bitch!" self-destruct technique. Your fetus is also equipped with scathing wit. Consider such insults as "Glhopttthhhh!" and "Sholclllllluuuleeee!" Who wouldn't run screaming in pleasure!? As you can plainly see, this game would appeal to consumers on either side of the abortion fence because you can play either path. Obviously, people with weak stomachs will not like this graphic expose in fetal obliteration, but I sure as hell would be entertained.

Now that I've gotten this far into the article, I've realized that I don't have much else to say about feti. The only thing that ever came from this obsession was that lousy idea for a video game and a few references to feti every once in a while when talking to friends. Fuck, this whole time I thought I was fixated on fetuses when really it's just that I have a horrible sense of humor and I should go to hell.

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