Rapper extraordinaire Ol' Dirty Bastard died on Saturday at the age of 35. The rapper collapsed and died suddenly in a Manhattan recording studio. Earlier in the day he had been complaining of chest pains. Official cause of death is unknown but rumor has it that Dirty died of a broken heart. He was supposed to perform with the Wu-Tang Clan in New Jersey that night but did not show up because he was 'just too sad'. The rest of the Clan is hot in pursuit of the cold-hearted bitch who so carelessly played with ODB's emotions. Dirty was just two days shy of his 36th birthday, proving either a) whoever broke his heart is a truly ruthless cunt, or b) God took offense when Ol' Dirty Bastard briefly changed his name to Big Baby Jesus.

Rest in peace Ol' Dirty, you truly were 'for the children'. Say hi to Rick James and Gandhi for us.

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Ever wanted to see Star Trek: Voyager characters in an erotic fan-fiction? How about photoshopped with huge boobs? Then you are the second saddest man on earth, right behind the guy who actually made this.

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According to an article by the New York Times, Wal-Mart has over 460 terabytes of data about its customers and their purchasing habits. To put that in perspective, the Internet has less than half as much data, according to experts. For additional perspective, your stalker ex-boyfriend who pastes your head onto pictures of naked women and masturbates to it has only about 5 megabytes worth of data on you. However, restraining orders can not be sought against corporate retail giants. As if.

"People don't know that Wal-Mart is capturing information about who they are and what they bought, but they are also capable of capturing a huge amount of outside information about them that has nothing to do with their grocery purchases," said Katherine Albright, the founder and director of Caspian, a consumer advocacy group concerned with privacy issues. "They can find out your mortgage amounts, your court dates, your driving record, your creditworthiness." Wal-Mart has also been known to sit in its car outside your house at night until it sees all your lights turn out. Wal-Mart knows you're cheating on him, and he's going to fucking kill you, bitch.

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Obviously impressed by the commercial viability of the dance-punk revival, Gang of Four, the originators of the genre, have decided its time to step up and mount another reunion. The original quartet of Andy Gill, Jon King, Dave Allen, and Hugo Burnham have announced a UK tour in January, marking the first time the four have performed together since 1981. That's longer than I have been alive. ALIVE! Hopefully this means that the band will only be performing songs from their first two amazing albums, 1979's Entertainment! and 1981's Solid Gold, and will be totally ignoring songs from their unending string of awful Disco-Wave album in the rest of the '80s.

The recent Pixies and Mission of Burma reunions give some hope that Gang of Four can accomplish the feat of reunion without tarnishing their impressive legacy (though the tarnishing probably already happened with every album after Solid Gold). The Sex Pistols reunions on the other hand, strike terror in my heart.

What is incredibly ironic is that in their original incarnation Gang of Four were die-hard Marxists, and even their funkiest, most-danceable songs were critiques of capitalist culture and the escapism of pop music. Hell, even their band name comes from China's Cultural Revolution and Mao Zedong's wife. So by engaging in a reunion tour -- a soft-focus nostalgia trip for those with the money to pay -- will Gang of Four by critiquing themselves when their sing their own lyrics, like "Not Great Men"? These and other paradoxes, sure to be answered this January in the slam-bam triple round Gang of Four reunion! Don't miss it!

Randy: Hey, Rusty! You hear 'bout that little sweet piece of pumpkin pie Conor Oberst?

Rusty: Naw, can't say I have. Is that guy still 'round? I haven't heard much from him other than whinin' about Clear Channel or somethin'.

Randy: I heard that sensitive cornfed-ass boy's Bright Eyes project's got two new records coming out at the same time next year.

Rusty: Just like Nelly! No foolin'! Shit sure does attract a lot of flies, if you catch my drift.

Randy: I hear ya. Well, Bright Eyes' two new singles, "Lua" and "Take It Easy (Love Nothing)" beat out all them purty pop stars and debuted on the #1 and #2 spots on them fancy Billboard charts! He even beat yer beloved Nelly and Eminem for that top spot, knocking Usher and Alicia Keys down a few pegs!

Rusty: Ha! Like a hurricane coming out of a llama's anus!

Randy: Like a pinecone comin' out the back of a New York Stock Broker's enigma!

Rusty: So if Bright Eyes is topping the charts, does that mean we live in the end times?

Randy: Indubitably!

Rusty: Want to go into the trailer and watch that Godard picture-film?

Randy: Sure thing!

We've now begun updating the news twice a week, on Mondays and Wednesdays. If you didn't catch Monday's, scroll down to the next update. We will conquer the internet.

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Christopher Reeve has passed away at the age of 52 due to heart failure. Gaining fame as Superman back in the late 70s, Reeve has spent the last 9 years in the public eye as a worldwide advocate for spinal cord research after being thrown from a horse and breaking his neck. Making the most of his situation, Reeve tirelessly pursued the advancement of medicine, especially stem cell research, to search for answers to his and so many others' questions. He endured years of therapy to regain sensation in each of his limbs, and he never stopped believing he'd walk again someday. An inspiration for so many, Reeve spent his final days supporting John Kerry and his bid for the White House. Stem cell research has proved to be one of the key deciding issues of this year's election, and one can only hope that Christopher Reeve will be laid to rest with a smile come this November. In the meantime it would be entirely appropriate to watch Superman 3, co-starring Richard Pryor, in tribute. But please avoid all kryptonite jokes. Tasteless, really.

Speaking of which, Senate majority leader Bill Frist has officially begun the pathetic Republican push to somehow thwart the support that the Kerry/Edwards campaign has gained from Christopher Reeve and his devoted followers. Edwards recently spoke of Reeve as a "powerful voice for the need to do stem cell research and change the lives of people like him." He continued, "If we do the work that we can do in this country, the work that we will do when John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve will get up out of that wheelchair and walk again." Frist, a former heart surgeon, called the remarks "crass" and "shameful" in their attempt to give false hope that new treatments were imminent. "I find it opportunistic to use the death of someone like Christopher Reeve -- I think it is shameful -- in order to mislead the American people," Frist said. "We should be offering people hope, but neither physicians, scientists, public servants or trial lawyers like John Edwards should be offering hype." Wait, hold on just a second… who's the shameful, opportunistic prick? Ohhhh, the irony!

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If your parents dragged you to a Bush rally like this, you'd be just as cynical…


...but not nearly as cute.

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According to Bush's campaign, the "W stands for Women." Well I must be an idiot because all this time I was under the impression that the "W" stands for "We'll tell you What you can do with your body and What you can't While We Wage War around the World Without a coalition and Without legitimate reason While lying to the American public the Whole time."

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Alright, alright…just one more political story ala Jesse for tonight. At least this one's got a little more humor in it - well, sorta. An artist by the name of Kayti Didriksen has painted a classic portrait of Bush/Cheney in the well-known style of Manet's "Olympia". The funny part: Bush is perched naked on a bed with Cheney hovering behind, presenting him with a golden crown in the shape of an oil rig. The not-so-funny part: the painting, titled "Man of Leisure, King George", has been yanked off the wall at the City Museum of Washington due to criticisms of indecency. I can't see the lack of decency myself, but I'll leave you to be the judge:

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William "Dick" Tracy, a gentle old man from North Andover, Massachusetts, was recently arrested for dumping his cup of coffee on a 4-year old girl at a farm. I'm sure you're thinking that's pretty mean, but first you should know that the little bitch sprayed the old-timer while opening a soda can. If you ask me she's lucky to still have both arms. You can't go apple picking with your family at some local farm and then just squirt whomever you'd like while you're there. Teach your kids some god damned manners! What the fuck is wrong with people these days?

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Ryan Starr is not famous. How she landed a spot on VH1's "Surreal Life" is still beyond me. I think the saddest part is she's still convinced she has a music career to look forward to. Have you heard her voice? It sucks. And when she talks she sounds like a man. Know who else sounds like a man? Macy Gray. I think my point has been made. Hey Ryan - stop crying about stupid shit and enjoy your second 15 minutes of fame because I'm sure it'll be your last.

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Internet stalking is starting to bore me. I'm thinking of taking my act primetime, and I've found just the perv to emulate. Ara Gabrielyan was arrested not too long ago for using GPS to stalk his former girlfriend. He mounted a cell phone underneath his ex's car to track her every movement, which led to unexpected visits while she got coffee at book stores, picked up friends from the airport, and even while visiting her brother's grave. The phone would automatically turn on and broadcast a signal as soon as the car moved. The only downside was he'd have to sneak under her car to replace the phone's battery every so often. I'll just get together with my engineering friends to rig a setup where the phone draws power from the car's battery. Then there'll be no way the girls can avoid my smothering love.

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My vote for the lamest cast page definitely goes to Austin. Way to miss your one opportunity at internet stardom! And nice red sweat suit, faggot.

Surprise, surprise, my first topic for this week is last Friday's Presidential Debate, or as I like to call it, The George W Show. That's right, John Kerry may as well have not even been there, because Bush did a good enough job making himself look like an idiot. It bordered on painful to watch a fully-grown man (a Yale graduate, no less) make such catastrophic errors in speech and action. Whether it was treating the Internets like the Gorton's Fisherman, or his feeble attempts to peddle wood, or even his attempt to give us all an impromptu lesson on the Constitution, Bush's idiocy was ON FIRE BA-BY! BOO YAH! I was honestly moved to tears when he bum rushed the podium because Kerry said something mean about him. Watch yourself Kerry, Gerogie's gonna tell his daddy, who he is most assured can beat up your daddy.

Oh, and for you conservatives who read this, Kerry's a douche, a really big one. He like, so totally says one thing, then so totally does another. Who cares if you have to put months in between quotes to make it look like he changes his mind on a dime? He's a flip-flop. Just like the hateful sandal. Nobody wants a sandal for president. I mean, it's not like any of us have changed our mind in between the time we were 20 and almost 50. Who wants a guy who thinks on his feet anyway? Or a guy who will do what he thinks the American public wants instead of his own stubborn ideas?

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President Bush recently criticized Kerry's plan for health care reform. Bush claims that it can't be done without raising taxes on the middle class. This sort of side steps the fact that the raised taxes will replace many health care costs, if they happen at all, meaning you'll probably still save in the end. But yes, there will more than likely be raised taxes, and no one likes that, especially the rich. Bush said he has the answers to fix the health care system and he won't wreck the federal budget in doing so, simply because he's already wrecked the federal budget with all his other plans.

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Sinclair Broadcast Group is at it again! After refusing to air Ted Koppel reading the names of fallen soldiers in the current War in Iraq, the group is now airing a 90-minute movie, commercial free, about John Kerry betraying POWs in Vietnam. The Democratic Party has filed a complaint saying that this is a contribution to the Bush campaign.

Honestly, if anyone doesn't know that Sinclair Broadcasting is biased towards the right by now, they're morons. It's like going to see Michael Moore and thinking he's doing anything but lining his pockets with money like oh so many CEO's. Come on folks, you're not stupid; you can see what's a lie and what isn't.

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There has been recent speculation that President Bush cheated during the first debate by wearing an in-ear monitor. Search google and you'll see the pictures and hypothesis. Let's be real here for a second: you could have fit the rhetoric that BOTH Bush and Kerry were using on the front of a 3x5 index card. Why would they even bother with an ear piece? Couldn't it have just been the box for a clip-on microphone? Anyone think of that? I guess deep down inside I hope he wasn't getting help from the outside, because he did horribly in both debates. You would think that he couldn't screw up cheating. If you could steal an entire state, you'd thinkhandling a debate would be nothing.

Except lapel microphones were against the first debate rules, and neither candidate had them. Hmmm.

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President Bu…er…sorry… Eminem's newest video has been pulled from BET for scenes mocking Michael Jackson. Jackson called the Steve Harvey show to voice his disgust for the scene where Mr. Mathers dresses as Michael and has children jumping on the bed near him, along with other scenes alluding to Billie Jean and the Pepsi commercial incident in the 1980s. Steve Harvey promptly "took back Eminem's ghetto pass" on the air. Harvey then cited the recordings released by WHITE "rapper," and part owner of the Source magazine, Benzino, which featured Em dropping the N bomb. That's right, you heard it here, Eminem, a man who has spent the better part of his life emulating and admiring African Americans, is clearly a racist. Dr. Dre, 50 Cent, Lloyd Banks, the other guy in G-Unit, all of D12, Snoop Dogg, Busta Rhymes, and many others, are close friends and collaborators with a man who secretly hates them based solely on their ethnicity. Who would have thought?!

Apparently insulting Michael Jackson means that you hate the entire black community. The video for "Just Lose It" will not be aired on BET again, according to CEO, Bob Johnson. He also asked that MTV and VH1 do the same.

Congratulations Eminem, you've surprised us yet again with your ability to stir up controversy just to make your album something that everyone "just has to hear." Whoever thought up your marketing strategy is a total genius, because unless your new album is seriously different from what we've heard so far, it probably wouldn't sell. Sorry, but that shit redefines whack.

More news of Republican attempts to disenfranchise voters. Is this becoming a trend you ask? Why yes I think it is, and its not just Florida anymore, it seems our fucked-up election disease has spread like Down's syndrome throughout the rest of the country. After an enormous 'get out the vote' drive by Ohio Democrats that registered 10 times as many new voters as the state's Republicans, the Ohio Secretary of State Kenneth Blackwell wanted to throw out any registration that wasn't on 80-pound stock paper -- the sort used for paperback-book covers and postcards, compared with the 20-to-24-pound stock in everyday use. He said he was concerned about forms' being mailed without envelopes and mangled by postal equipment, but he's a cock-mouth and he's a goddamned liar besides, because his directive applied to all registration forms, even those sent in an envelope or delivered by hand. It has also been reported by the Daily Mail that in his spare time Blackwell enjoys hockey, video games, crudely manipulating our Democratic process for his own ends, and kidnapping babies to bathe in their blood -- which he believes is the source of eternal life.

This is the first presidential election in which every voter whose eligibility is in doubt has the right to cast a ballot and to have the vote's validity verified later. But Ohio and Colorado have tried to circumvent this guarantee by not counting provisional ballots cast in the wrong polling places. There's going to be a flood of first-time voters this year who don't know their boyfriend's asshole from a hanging chad and who probably won't know where to vote. "Do I do it in my bathroom? What about the local sex shop, is that where I vote?" In Colorado Secretary of State Donetta Davidson, also a Republican, is trying to manipulate the Senate race by issuing a bizarre ruling: she will allow provisional ballots cast at the wrong polling places to count for only the presidential race, meaning all Congressional votes will be tossed out. Why would you count one vote on a ballot but not any of the others? Why, because the Senate race in Colorado is among the closest in the nation and could determine control of the Senate, that's why!

Please for the love of god vote in November so we can get slimy, evil sons of bitches like these out of office.

AND DON'T VOTE FOR NADER GOD DAMN IT!

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Maybe they need to be told that God doesn't have a political preference. In fact, I thought he was actually partial to European kings and their families.

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Despite these insidious, proto-fascist attempt to undermine our country's freedom, you can actually score one point for Democracy in Iraq. Insurgent leader and Shiite cleric Moktada al-Sadr has announced plans to disband his militia, the Madhi Army, and run for public office. He's even got a working name for his new political - the Patriotic Alliance. How incredibly fucking ironic would be if our biggest insurgent enemy became the next president of Iraq thanks to the new-fangled democracy that WE forced onto its citizens? Then, just as the Bush administration predicted, democracy will flow across the Middle East and all Arab nations will see the errors of their primitive lifestyles and yearn for our highly advanced and enlightened Western civilization with all its attendant pleasures, like Ashlee Simpson albums and Puma sneakers and Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream.

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Sum 41 and Good Charlotte have announced their plans to destroy human music once and for all. Sick of merely chipping away at the art form independently, these two musical terrorists have decided to join forces for a tour across America … a kind of wandering musical apocalypse if you will. No one who ever attends these events will ever want to listen to music again. Hopefully they will both be run over by very large trucks carrying WMDs to Iraq, to be found exactly 7 days before the election. But if that doesn't happen, don't be surprised if Sum 41 and Good Charlotte's next move is to fly highjacked airplanes into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, although arguably that might be a good thing considering that ZZ Top may be inducted before Black Sabbath, The Stooges, or even the god damned Sex Pistols. Bros before hoes, come on!

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Rodney Dangerfield is dead at the age of 82. I have no reason to live. Dangerfield fell into a coma after undergoing heart surgery and suffering a small stroke, proving definitely that Rodney just couldn't get no respect, not even from Dr. Jesus Christ, MD, the best heart surgeon/deity in Beverly Hills.

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Oh Deerhoof, love of my life, apple of my eye, sweet soundtrack to the conception of my unborn child. Yes, Deerhoof are one truly amazing band, and to prove this they've decided to offer their new live album Bibidi Babidi Boo absolutely free on the internet as either mp3s or a stream on their website. Click here to download it. The album features short, two-minute takes of songs from their last three excellent albums, Reveille, Apple O', and Milk Man. Bibidi Babidi Boo will be the first release from KRS5RC, a new free mp3 label from Kill Rock Stars. If you're wondering what it sounds like, well it's a rougher, harsher version of the bizarro pop the band has offered on those albums ... meaning it sounds like beautiful young retarded children getting amped up on pixie sticks and trying to sing along to Saturday morning cartoons. In other words, utterly brilliant.

In related news, Deerhoof has just finished sessions with Daniel Smith aka Brother Danielson of the Danielson Famile. According to Deerhoof's drummer, Greg Saunier, "The recording session with Brother Danielson went so well and it was so much fun! I really think the five songs we did don't sound like Brother Danielson or Deerhoof, but some new thing, so we're feeling excited. One of the most eye-opening discoveries from our collaboration was our mutual love of snacks." Like I was saying, pixies sticks and cartoons.

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Speaking of cartoons, very shortly the strangest, most acid induced cartoon of all time will hit theaters for the very first time. No, not Pink Floyd's The Wall, don't be such a cock-mouth. I'm talking about a cartoon way weirder and on way harder psychotropic drugs than that: Spongebob Motherfucking Squarepants, the most shit-crazy mad-genius thing to appear in pop culture since Syd Barrett first dropped acid. Yes, on November 19th, The Sponegbob Squarepants Movie will horrify and frighten children from 10,000 movie theaters across our great nation, coaxing them towards a desperate life of violent crime and unending cocaine addiction.

But before that, the movie will get them hooked on BBW's own drug of choice: 100% pure, fresh ground, pharmaceutical-grade indie rock. Spongebob's soundtrack of choice features the freshest harvest of addictive indie rockers: Wilco, The Flaming Lips, The Shins, Ween, and something sure to give the kiddies nightmares ... Motorhead. Things only get stranger though. Wilco's contribution, "Just a Kid" reportedly features the vocal talents of Jeff Tweedy's son's band, future superstars The Blisters. Likewise the Flaming Lips' song is titled "SpongeBob and Patrick Confront the Psychic Wall of Energy", and Motorhead's is "Every Child in the Audience Must Die By My Hand Tonight". Nice choice, Nickelodeon.

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If you're not familiar with the world of dance-punk, Liars pulled off a stunning defection earlier this year. Shunning the Stooges-meets-Gang of Four sound of their debut They Threw Us All in a Trench and Stuck a Monument On Top, they followed it up with the utterly perplexing experimental noise-scapes of this year's shockingly original They Were Wrong So we Drowned. The album earned both rave reviews (from BBW and several others) and total pans (Rolling Stone gave it one star, Spin gave it an F and Pitchfork gave it a 6.3, strangely both praising their originality and lamenting the band's change from their debut). Well now, Liars are reporting that they have recorded not one but two new albums, only one of which will see release as their third album. The other album was entirely scrapped, ensuring that one day 37 years from now when it has gained legendary status the band will exhume it and show the world their true genius. Or it could get released as b-sides or a rare tour-only album, according to the band.

As far as explanations go, guitarist Aaron Hemphill said of the scraped album, "We used it as kind of an idea of what we want the actual record to be." So does that mean it wasn't actually an album but a collection of demos instead? Well, no. "I definitely think there are some songs on the new record anyway that are from it, but it's just a different kind of thing." ... OK dude, whatever. He also revealed that the new record, the one that will actually come out, flirts with different textures and acoustics and pursues a more drum-centered sound, with some songs even utilizing two drum kits like Black Eyes. But don't expect a dance-punk sound, especially after their violent reject on the genre on their last album. Expected to see the third Liars album to be released in early 2005 and to be packaged with a DVD of footage from the Eastern European tour they played earlier this spring. "What we kinda decided before going into it was that it would be more of a travel-based DVD, where it's not about us being in a band but it's about travel." But the DVD will contain no soundtrack or narrative, rather it will be the same length as the album and work as a full-length video to accompany the songs.

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After the success of the recent Star Wars prequels (or their failure depending on whether we're talking it in terms of box office returns or its plot), Mel Brooks says he is now working on making Spaceballs 2: The Quest For More Money. The Schwartz is obviously strong with Brooks as the new Star Wars prequels have plenty to make fun of, though I personally will miss the antics of Dark Helmet, Yogurt, and the rest of the gang. As for when it will be released, Brooks himself says, "Best case scenario: a week before the new Star Wars opens. Worst Case Scenario: a year after the new star wars opens."

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A new tell-all book written by gossip columnist Kitty Galore, titled The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty, claims that Laura Bush was the 'go-to girl for dime bags of marijuana at her university'. Certainly explains her constant shit-dumb grin and total apathy for marrying a monkey-man that lives in a tree and eats peanuts when he's not fucking up US policy.

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The first video from the Unicorns' outstanding Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone, perfectly captures the feel of the album by looking like it was cut in one weekend for no more than $30. Jellybones video.

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Predictably, the House of Representative has voted down the gay-marriage ban amendment. 158 Democrats, 27 Republicans and one independent voted against advancing the issue in the Republican-controlled House. Proving that Bush's support of an amendment is largely symbolic and is designed to get him the support of the all-important homophobe block, because 1) its very difficult to amend the constitution 2) it doesn't have the support of lawmakers and 3) Bush can pretend to be fighting the good fight against homos and butt pirates without actually doing anything at all.

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The Anti-Bush Video Game.

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A federal judge has struck down a portion of the Patriot Act, ruling that it broadly violated the Constitution and was in fact, not very patriotic at all really. The ruling, by Judge Victor Marrero of Federal District Court in Manhattan, was the first to uphold a challenge to the surveillance sections of the act and invalidated one piece of the law, finding that it violated both free speech guarantees and protection against unreasonable searches. It is thought likely to provide fuel for other court challenges -- because who wants the FBI monitoring your internet activity or bugging your rumpus room? Why do they have to know how bad you are at ping pong or how much Britney Spears-lookalike porn you've managed to collect? Fake celebrity porn is one of your rights as American citizen, don't let anyone take it away from you, ever!

Last Thursday night brought about the first Presidential Debate between President George Bush and Senator John Kerry. Tensions were high and heaps of rhetoric were thrown back and forth in a most friendly manner. The country sat back and watched as they were blatantly insulted by the repetition of pre-written statements. Said President Bush of his job, "Uh…well…uh…it's hard. No, really, it's hard. But I know how to do it because I've been doing it, and John Kerry is a big dumb face." In response, Kerry had this to say: "We can do better. I can do better. I have a plan, he doesn't. Nyah Nyah Nyah."

For those of you too lazy to watch, I compiled a brief summary of each candidate's views, based on what they said during the debates.

Kerry's Views:

- We can do better.
- He can do better.
- We need to make better alliances.
- He'll get to your question after he makes one point.
- You need to let him tell you something.
- Bush made grave errors, none of which he'll directly point out.
- He has a plan, don't worry.
- He will do it in 4 years, don't worry.
- North Korea is a threat.
- Bush isn't spending enough.
- Bush is spending too much.
- We'll stay strong.
- He'll remain steadfast.

Bush's Views:

- It's hard work.
- He's working hard.
- We need to do what we say.
- We can't send mixed messages.
- Terrorists = bad.
- Hey, Kerry voted for the war, don't forget it. Ever.
- He doesn't know how people will react to someone who says Iraq was the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time.
- He doesn't think that Iraq was the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time.
- He knows how to deal with people because he does.
- Hey, we disarmed Libya!
- Kerry will spend too much.
- We'll stay strong.
- He'll remain steadfast.

Number of questions asked: 16
Number of questions actually answered: none.

If it weren't for Bush's apparent fear of Kerry mopping the floor with him, the debate would have been a dead heat. But, to use a Texas-style analogy, Bush looked more afraid than a one-legged jackrabbit on a treadmill made of fire. I mean, come on, the man used the phrase "it's hard" more than a perplexed old man using Viagra for the first time. Couldn't we have done better than this? John Kerry thinks so. And he has a plan to prove it. Plan plan plan, plan plan, plannity plan plan McPlanson.

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In other debate news, the Vice Presidential candidates also had their own debate last night. Topics touched on a variety of matters, and a lot of mud slinging ensued. Initially Cheney pulled a veritable blitzkrieg on Edwards, and made him his bitch faster than a rather large man named Bubba. It wasn't until Cheney called Edwards on his shit storm of rhetoric that the debate really began. Topics ranged from Halliburton to Edwards' Senate record (or lack thereof). The attacks got more and more personal as more and more figures flew. For every statement one had, the other was right there with another set of numbers telling the other to go to hell. Here's my summary for this debate:

Edwards' Views:
- Cheney is a bitch and should shut the fuck up.

Cheney's Views:
- Edwards is a bitch and should shut the fuck up.

Times I said "OH SNAP!" Tonight: Lost count after 50.

This was really the debate to watch. It was interesting, well informed, and tactical. As much as I dislike Cheney, I have to commend him on doing a good job of defending his side. This debate was like watching the last scene of 8 Mile, it was so exciting.

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Bob Dylan, your favorite lingerie model, is releasing a series of books about his life. Most Dylan historians are curious about these tomes because Dylan has a reputation of being a bit of a liar about his own life. I'm not sure how they can say that after seeing a passage of one of the new novels, "Wee tama benny dee. Ooh, wassa manna ha." Manna ha, indeed. I, myself, am rather skeptical, because after the folk-styling of the first two books, Dylan will plug in the third, and no one will like him anymore.

Yes, Dylan's fans are probably worse to him than Weezer's are to them.

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Your favorite peddlers of repeating a single riff because they lack the creative ability to do anything else, Franz Ferdinand, have been chased after by bill collectors for not paying the check at a restaurant. This is no surprise to most, because a recent scientific study showed that the band would practically suck dick for money. The drummer and his wife are actually to blame, because it was a dinner celebrating their marriage. Way to go, nameless drummer from Franz Ferdinand. That's a good way to show your wife that you're not a complete loser.

Joe Simpson, father of the bimbo sisters, Jessica and Ashlee, has another idea for a reality TV show in which he would star, traveling across the country in search of young Latino musicians for a new band. Young, I am that. Musician, sure I am Joe. Latino, shit my last name is the second biggest city in Cuba, Joe! I can act like I have half a brain in front of a camera to Joe! And I'll one up it for you, I'll stutter! Yes! a Stuttering Young Latino Musician! Shit, if William Hung can get famous you can take Tony to the fucking bank.

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There is now 1100 dead US troops from the Iraq war. How long before it isnt christian to send young men to an early death for low gas prices?

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A restaurant in Philly is serving $100 Cheesesteaks. If someone from Philly can charge more than $4 for a cheesesteak I sure as hell can sell Buffalo wings for $200. I'll put gold in the sauce. People love to eat gold, look at all them rappers with the gold grills.

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If someone is willing to spend $120 on maracas for a video game, you can bet your ass they would shell out for some Konga drums to play one god damn game. Crazy fucking Japanese.

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The Nirvana box set comes out November 22nd. Just in time for Courtney Love to buy that new diamond encrusted syringe she's been eyeing out.

Brian Wilson's Smile finally came out today, after a 37 year wait. I've literally been waiting for this since before I was born. I am so excited and downright 'giddy' right now I can barely concentrate on this stupid news. I feel like a 14-year-old girl in 1963 at a Beatles' concert. If you don't buy it, honestly I just think you're a miserable human being. All hyperbole aside, it is one the greatest albums of all time and a stunning accomplishment for a man who at one point wouldn't even leave his bed. Just face it, if you don't like Smile, it's quite possible you just don't like music. Period. Shut up. No argument. I hate you. Go to hell.

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We all know we're going to die one day. But now we know how! North Korea says it has turned the plutonium from 8,000 spent nuclear fuel rods into nuclear weapons to serve as a deterrent against increasing U.S. nuclear threats and to prevent a nuclear war in northeast Asia. Invading Iraq sure made us tons safer. Thanks a lot G.W.! I gotta get one more Smile listen in before I'm atomized to dust.

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Murder was the case that they gave him. Famed producer Phil Spector was indicted today in the murder of actress Lana Clarkson. Clarkson, a b-movie actress, was found shot in the face at Spector's secluded mansion near Los Angeles in February of 2003. The neighbors say they hear strange sounds from the mansion and see strange half-beasts wandering the grounds at night. The case is set to go to trial December 16th, with Spector being defended by John Gotti's attorney, Bruce Cutler. Spector faces a life sentence with no hope of parole. He is expected to plead 'not guilty'. Quote Spector's representatives, "He did not murder Ms. Clarkson, he was merely practicing his new 'Wall of Death' production technique that he planned to employ on a future album by Metallica".

I made that last part up.

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Despite being dead, Joe Strummer is coming out with enough new songs to challenge Tupac as the world's favorite 'street poet from beyond the grave'. His rhymes may not be as tight but he can play a better guitar solo. Hot cha! Reggae star Jimmy Cliff recently debuted a new album called Black Magic that features "Over The Border," a song written and recorded by Cliff and Strummer.

The October issue of Mojo Magazine also comes with a CD of original songs chosen by Clash members Mick Jones and Paul Simonon that were covered by the Clash during their heyday. The album will not only feature a song from the 101'ers, Strummer's band before the Clash, it will also feature an unreleased track from his band afterwards. favorite live. The Joe Strummer & the Mescaleros performance of the Clash favorite "White Man In Hammersmith Palais." was recorded live at London's 100 Club in 2000.

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Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips has revealed details of their forthcoming follow up to 2002's Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, which made it onto Bornbackwards' prestigious "2002 Year End List". Tentatively titled At War With the Mystics, the album is slated for a mid-2005 release. It will be their 11th album. Ditching the electronics of Yoshimi, Coyne has stated the songs have a more organic feel. When pressed to go into further detail by Blender magazine (worse than Spin, can you believe that?) he said, "It's getting into a space-age jazz element." He also called it "a sort of progressive Dixieland ... hopefully not too far out of the realm of what's listenable." Fucking … whatever dude. That doesn't make any sense. Like orchestral funk, or ragtime hip hop or Christian metal.

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Stephen Malkmus is also talking about his upcoming third solo album with the Jicks. He described it as 'fun.' "It's tearing shit up in the basement-style. Take no prisoners. I did more of it myself, a little bit like the old Pavement records." Malkmus revealed that most of the album was recorded in his own basement, where he would punch himself in with his toe "Todd Rundgren-style."

Speaking of Pavement, Matador Records is set to reissue a 10th anniversary edition of their second album Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain next month. October is looking to be such a great month for music that a poor boy like me can't even keep up. There's too much … just … too much. When you find me living in a cardboard box, smoking baking soda to get high and smoking cocks to get quarters, you'll know where all my money went. Filling out the Crooked Rain reissue will be 37 extra tracks (more than the 2002 Slanted and Enchanted reissue), some previously unreleased, some b-sides and some live sessions from a '94 John Peel BBC radio show. It will also include a 40-page booklet (also more than the Slanted reissue) filled with essays, band recollections, and photos.

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Despite being available for free on the internet, a word-for-word reprint of the 9/11 Commission Report has topped the best seller list for seven weeks. That's right, people are paying $10 for a 516-page paperback government report they could get for free online.

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One of the best movies ever, The Shawshank Redemption will be returning to theaters for its tenth anniversary later this fall. Despite flopping in theaters the first time around, the film became a huge and beloved hit once it hit video stores. The two-week theatrical run will coincide with the film's DVD release.

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A brand new Gallup poll is that credibility of the American media has reached a three-decade low. Only 42% of those expressed confidence in the media's ability to report news stories accurately and fairly, the lowest level of confidence in the media since Gallup first asked the question in 1972.

The first church to have a Subway restaurant has opened in my hometown of Buffalo. I must say the body of Christ never tasted so good -- wheat with honey-mustard flavor -- you could devour plenty of our lord's body every communion! With only six grams of fat! Christ's fat! Garaunteed to wander inside of your body 40 years! And not to mention the blood of Christ in those cardboard to-go cups, I always prefered quenching my thirst for the lord through a straw! Buffalo is a trend setting town. Amen.

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Craig Kilbourn (that guy who hosted "The Daily Show" before Jon Stewart) recently split his Late Late Show gig (yeah , the other guy whos on while you watch Conan) without much warning and left CBS with it pants around their ankles, filling up guest hosting spots with B-list celebrities like Drew Carey, that chick From 'Strangers With Candy', and some other crappy comedians. Names for a permanent replactement have been flying around CBS such as Vince Vaugh, who did a suprisingly good job subing for Letterman when the old man split to cope with shingles. Perhaps more people would watch it if someone funny hosted the Late Late Show, my vote and my heart are for Vaughn.

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A super race of rats have invaded Kyrgyzstan, ones that feed off of rat poison and chew on people. But those people don't have dont have doctors to go to because they live in fucking Kyrgyzstan, so they're going to start the next bubonic plauge. Darwin so saw this coming.

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Oh! I know what the world needed! An all male Madonna cover band! Called what you say? Mandonna of course! Oh the humor of it all!

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Florida gets hurricanes, wow, thats new. California gets earthquakes, I wait for it to sink. Why do I have to hear about these goddamn things all over my news! These things not occuring would be like Buffalo not getting seven fucking feet of snow in one day! Whats next? the Mid-West will get a Tornado?! OH MY GOD!

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My Editor and Savior Ryan Boyle had a special statement as to how lazy I am if Ihad not finished news for him this morning. Here is the rant as follows: Tony did his news ... but his grammar still sucks. You're supposed to capitalize the word 'I' man!

When I get drunk, I like to ride women; when Pennsylvanians get drunk, they like to ride horses. Lucky for them the state supreme court has no problem with this. In fact, it has gone so far as to say horses cannot be classified as vehicles. This ruling means that Keith Travis and Richard Noel face no punishment for riding their horses while drunk back in April 2002 when they were involved in a late-night accident. As for the other drunken guy involved in that accident who had saddled up his pickup truck instead - yea, he's screwed.

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Now on to Ohio, home to lots of boring cities and one extra-special attorney. Thirty-four year old Stephen Linnen, a former lawyer for the Ohio House Republican caucus, has been sentenced to 18 months in jail for the actions that earned him the name "the naked photographer." I know what you're thinking - typical republican. But then again, is it really that weird for a thirty-something attorney to ambush dozens of girls on the street while naked just for the thrill of photographing their shocked expressions?

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I used to like Bill O'Reilly. Then his show started to take off, he got way full of himself, his big head got even bigger and the hot air he began spewing on a nightly basis eventually overtook his voice of reason. Next he lashed out at Al Franken during a book show after Big Al proved him a hypocrite. And now he's taking aim at Jon Stewart and, more specifically, the audience of his hit show on Comedy Central, "The Daily Show". During a recent interview, O'Reilly actually turned to Stewart and said, "You know what's really frightening? You actually have an influence on this presidential election. That is scary, but it's true. You've got stoned slackers watching your dopey show every night and they can vote." Thank G-d Comedy Central decided to look into this. As it turns out, Nielsen Media Research has found that viewers of Jon Stewart's show are more likely to have completed four years of college than people who watch O'Reilly's show, "The O'Reilly Factor". Nielsen also found that Jon Stewart banged O'Reilly's wife. Who's laughing now, Bill?

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The new $50 bill is now in circulation:



Please don't let this man pick one of our Supreme Court justices.

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For all you PS2 freaks out there, the new Grand Theft Auto will be out in just a matter of weeks. This means I'll be good for nothing until midway through next semester when I finally stop bugging all my friends with PS2's to let me come over and play. This latest edition is sure to please with upgrades all around - bigger cities, less loading time, better vehicles and weaponry, ride-by shootings (from bicycles!), meticulously-planned house raids, angry west coast gangs and a lead character that's more versatile than ever before. This time around he can swim, work out, eat, grow enormously strong and muscular, or even grow enormously fat and lazy. My mission this time around is to eat, get fat, bang hookers and then beat 'em up to take their money - just like my dad.

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The Andy Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh, PA has drawn some polarized reactions to its latest exhibit even back when the exhibit was still just an idea. "Inconvenient Evidence: Iraqi Prison Photographs from Abu Ghraib" occupies one corner of the largest room on the second floor of the museum, with photos lining the wall and a collection of international front pages reporting war news and atrocities by both sides hanging nearby. Though the museum has garnered support from the likes of Veterans for Peace Inc., it has also compelled many to cancel their Carnegie Museums memberships. One particular email reads: "Dear Dummies, If you want to show war, why haven't you shown pictures of the thousands of dead in Iraq from Saddam Husseein's [sic] dictatorship. You are disgusting."

The only disgusting part of this story: having to defend the museum against all the crazies out there calling this exhibit unpatriotic. Isn't it hard to believe just how dense people can be? Our very own soldiers commit these atrocious acts while taking part in a war to defend our interests (errr, freedom), and then these soldiers pose in front of their victims and photograph each other sporting smiles as grotesque as their actions; yet it's The Andy Warhol Museum that's unpatriotic for displaying the pictures, not the soldiers who took them in the first place. Thomas Sokolowski, the museum's director, answers all criticism by contending that you're not really talking about war "if you don't capture the smell of it. I think this exhibit does that."

When Jon Stewart appeared on the O’Reilly Factor earlier this month, he was told by Bill O’Reilly that the people who watch his show were all “stoned slackers.” Well, Comedy Central (one of the highest rated networks on television), got a little peeved at O’Reilly’s remarks, and held an independent study. Nielson Media Research concluded that viewers of the Daily Show are more likely to have completed 4 years of college than the viewers of the O’Reilly factor. What exactly this is supposed to prove is beyond me. I’ve known people who don’t know their ass from first base that graduated college, and got high frequently during those 4 years. So, we’re all left with the fact that the stoners that watch the Daily Show are educated, and those that watch the O’Reilly Factor, are just your average, run-of-the-mill, fucking idiots. Kudos to Comedy Central for having enough money with which to wipe their ass.

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Tarnation! John Kerry has resorted to humor and old-time phrases as his last-ditch effort to capture some votes. In a recent speech while going over the problems that plague the war in Iraq, Kerry stated, "yet today, President Bush tells us that he would do everything all over again, the same way." After taking a short pause for effect, he asked, "How can he possibly be serious?" That’s right, John “the real deal” Kerry has seen an episode of Friends, and concluded that if the audience laughs at Chandler, they’ll laugh at him as well. Could I BE anymore excited?

Unfortunately, there’s more to the story. Kerry also used some hip sayings in another speech, such as “Heavens to Betsy,” and “You bet your boots!” All the 1800’s coal miners erupted in applause, but the rest of the audience seemed curious as to what the hell he was talking about. My best guess is that he knows that them thar people in the country don’t take kindly to no confounded high-falooting fancy shmancy talk, which is why they’re voting for Dubya Bush. I guess you have to cater to the votes you so desperately need. Heavens to Mergatroy!

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Have you recently purchased an album from a mainstream record label? No? Oh, so you didn’t get Sonic Youth’s new album? You silly liar. It’s ok, we all have, or at least have looked at one. How do those ugly FBI Warnings look to you? Pretty bad, huh? Well, Elvis Costello agrees with you. On his most recent record, The Delivery Man, Elvis put a special message over the FBI Warning. It states, “The artist does not endorse the following warning. The FBI doesn’t have his home phone number, and he hopes they don’t have yours.” Right on, Elvis. Not as great as when you played “Radio, Radio” on SNL, but it’s a start.

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I’ve been screaming for many years now. Screaming from my tiny home in Baltimore. Every night at 11:30, I scream. I yell out “Why?! Sure, he seems like an incredibly nice guy, but Jay Leno just isn’t that funny! Why must I wait an extra hour for Conan?!?!?!” And finally, my voice has carried all the way to New York, and NBC has finally caved in. In 2009, Conan O’Brien will succeed Jay Leno as host of the Tonight Show. All I have to say is:

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Gorillaz fans will be shocked to learn that Dan the Automator has been relieved of his beat-making duties for the group. Replacing him will be DJ Danger Mouse, the guy behind The Grey Album. I would say this is a bad idea, but did you hear Head Automatica’s album? I’d kick Dan the Automator to the curb solely on principle. Massive changes are on the way, hopefully Del the Funky Homosapien will make a return appearance. So far, they’ve only confirmed an appearance by forgotten rappers De La Soul.

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With the release of their new album American Idiot, Green Day is now considering making a movie of the concept album's plot. There are talks with writers, which is odd since the album is supposed to be a rock opera, so all they’d need is stage directions and an occasional interlude. That’s more directorial work, if you ask me, but hey, I’m not in Hollywood. There were comments made about having Tim Armstrong and the Madden Twins (You know, from Good Charlotte) being in the film. None of that is firm, and honestly, I hope it stays that way. If you’re going to take icons from the pop punk scene, can’t you do a little better than that? At least Fat Mike’s got a sense of humor, put him in the thing. He's fat too, that's a plus Hell, get the Descendents. It’s not hard to make an extra song about food for the movie.

On top of having a movie based on the album, Green Day is considering doing a “making of” documentary. This might be pretty interesting since the recording sessions were allegedly marred by problems (like the original masters being nabbed). The super cool guy from Mtv kept drawing comparisons to Metallica’s latest documentary, Some Kind of Monster. Even if Green Day’s album is a slab of mediocre pop punk (which I’m not sure of since I haven’t heard it), it can’t come near that mangled monstrosity Metallica called St. Anger. That thing plays like Elvis danced.

Either way, Green Day fans will once again be able to throw piles and piles of money at the band. But hey, at least it’s for a good reason. What do you think, should more bands get into film with their music? Or should it never come back in the way it did in the 60’s and 70’s? Hit us up on the message board

John Heinz Kerry and George Wimbledon Bush have agreed to three formal televised debates starting September 30th at the University of Miami. Under the agreement, the first debate will focus on foreign policy and homeland security, the second will be a 'town hall' meeting with audience questions, and the final one will deal with economic and domestic policy. Now remember no hitting below the belt, no biting, kicking or hair pulling. I want a clean debate. Especially after his recent decline in the polls, this may be John Kerry's last chance to come out on top on Election Day. Thankfully, he's begun using harsher rhetoric and attacking Bush's position more in the last few days. Check this out:

"Today, President Bush tells us that he would do everything all over again, the same way. How can he possibly be serious? Is he really saying that if we knew there were no imminent threat, no weapons of mass destruction, no ties to Al Qaeda, the United States should have invaded Iraq? My answer, resoundingly, is no, because a commander in chief's first responsibility is to make a wise and responsible decision to keep America safe …we have traded a dictator for a chaos that has left America less secure."

Inspiring right? Passionate! Not the John Kerry you thought you knew! Well, Kerry needs to keep in mind the fact that despite his 'village dunce' reputation, Bush has won every debate he's ever been in because has a way of simplifying and reversing what people say. For instance:

"Today my opponent continued his pattern of twisting in the wind with new contradictions on old positions on Iraq. Incredibly, he now believes our national security would be stronger with Saddam Hussein in power, not in prison. He's saying he prefers the stability of the dictatorship to the hope and security of democracy. I couldn't disagree more and not so long ago, neither did my opponent."

Wow that's great, EXCEPT THAT'S NOT WHAT HE FUCKING SAID AT ALL! There's more than just two options for every issue. It's as though Bush can't possibly understand that we could be rid of Saddam Hussein but still not be secure by any stretch of the imagination.

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Speaking of which, A classified National Intelligence Estimate prepared for President Bush in late July offers a dark and totally pessimistic future for Iraq. So while President Bush has been crisscrossing the county telling us that Iraq is improving -- that's it's actually sunshine and daisies over there instead of bombs and severed heads -- his own government believes the country won't get any better than it already is … in their best-case scenario. Their worse-case scenario sees Iraq dissolving into civil war by the end of 2005. So while President Bush smiles and tell you that Iraqis love their new American-style cheeseburgers and Western democracies, keep in mind that he read this report in JULY and has been spewing verbal diarrhea he knows is untrue for three goddamn months. It's as though he can't understand that we could be rid of Saddam Hussein but still not be secure by any stretch of the imagination.

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Kerry vs Bush is obviously the Robot vs the Monkey, but did you know there's a stranger battle happening right now? It's Apple vs Apple, the Beatles vs iTunes. Over the past 23 years, Apple Computers has been wrangling with Apple Corps -- the Beatles' holding company -- over their shared name and apple logo. The last time they went to court, Apple Computers settled for $30 million and were allowed to continue operation as long as they did not use the name and logo in any venture "whose principle content is music." So now that iTunes exists, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Yoko Ono and the widow of George Harrison who has no name, are suing Apple Computers for breaching their agreement. The case is expected to end in the biggest settlement in legal history, outside of a class action suit. Sean Lennon is expected to cry like a little bitch, loyalties torn between his mother and the songs he has on iTunes that someday, someone may want to download. Someday.

That damn monopolistic captain of industry, Apple Computer, always trying to exploit poor beggar boys like Beatles for their own capital gain! Maybe now Sir Paul will have enough cash to buy back "Blackbird" from that Sean-Lennon-touching freak named Michael Jackson. Did you know he loves it when boys' underwear is half off at K-Mart? Cause then it's less work when he wants to suck all their cocks.

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Japanese noise-wavers the Polysics -- who record for the appropriately titled Asian Man Records -- will be doing the theme song for a new ABC / Disney Channel children's cartoon titled "Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!" Wow … just wow … that's the greatest name for anything I've heard in my life. It's a much better name than "Austin" or "Jesus H. Christ" or even "Bornbackwards.com".

Check out this description of the show: "This adventure centers on a self conscious young teen named Chiro who -- with the help of five high-tech robot monkeys -- transforms into the brave fighter, bold leader and great hero he always wanted to be. Set in the Utopia of Shuggazoom as a cosmic changeover looms, the villainous Skeleton King is plotting to turn this futuristic planet into his evil empire. When Chiro inadvertently awakens the long dormant Super Robot Monkey Team, he absorbs the Power Primate energy that transforms him into superhero-in-training and leader of the Team".

Holy shit! They've got monkeys and robots and skeletons, sure, but if only there were ninjas and/or pirates this would the greatest adult crime-drama in the history of television.

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Johnny Ramone has passed away at the age of 55. After five-years with prostate cancer, Johnny died in his sleep Wednesday afternoon at his Los Angeles home. Johnny was born John Cummings on October 8, 1948 in Long Island, NY and formed the The Ramones in Queens, NY in 1974. Johnny largely pioneered the common punk 'buzzsaw' guitar sound, and was one of the most imitated guitarists in the history of rock and roll. There's now three Ramones dead in the last three years, two of cancer, showing that Jesus was actually more of a disco fan then previously believed.

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4AD has announced the imminent coming of the heavenly realm, paradise on earth and ultimate fulfillment of your every desire. Yes indeed, the first three Pixies albums (the good ones) are being reissued on 180 gram vinyl! These albums have been out of print on vinyl since before you were even conceived. All praise be to Allah the magnificent for this bountiful harvest, this manna from heaven, this boon to all civilization and mankind! Finally, at long last, you and I can join hands in a moment of peace and listen to Come On Pilgram, Surfer Rosa and Doolittle (voted the second best album of all time in an NME readers poll in 1989) as they were meant to be heard, on pure, virgin vinyl, a sweet heavy duty high-fidelity LP. Praise Confucius!

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The cause of Rick James' death has finally been revealed. Although it was widely known that he died of a heart attack did you ever think in a million years that it could have been caused by drugs? Gasp! Rick James? Drugs? When did this start? According to the coroner's report, Rick James had nine drugs in his body at the time of death including cocaine, valium, vicodin, methamphetamine, and prescription medications for anxiety, pain relief and heart failure. Guess that last one didn't work too well. Super freak to the end.

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If you were born of a human woman and have any money at all, you're probably not reading this. Chances are you're probably buying either the new Star Wars DVD set or the London Calling 25th anniversary three-disc edition. For those of you born from dogs or jackals, welcome to Bornbackwards.com you hideous fucking freaks.

It was reported that everyone’s favorite underground MC, Britney Spears, will be going public with a freestyle on a DJ Clinton Sparks mixtape. That’s right, DJ Clinton Sparks, a man with so much money and notoriety that putting a Britney Spears freestyle on his new mixtape will have no real fiscal impact on him. The content of Britney’s freestyle is as of yet unknown, but we do know that it will be for a blissful 16 bars (that’s 32 lines for you non-hip hop heads). Be sure to watch out for this hot drop, especially if you love lyricism on par with a coked-out-of-his-mind Biz Markie.

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In other hip hop news, "Something the Lord Made," which starred Mos Def, received an Emmy award for 'Oustanding Made for Television Movie'. When asked what he thought about achieving such high acclaim, Mos replied that he was not going to make another made for tv movie for 5 years.

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A Spanish man attempted to charge his wife with spousal abuse because she refused to have sex with him for 5 days in a row. He claimed that her refusals were “degrading treatment,” and thus, grounds for trial. Blue balls is not a victimless crime. This comes as no surprise to Madrid residents, since the man previously tried charging the Spanish equivalent of the MVA with murder in the first, and three counts of sodomy. All cases have been shelved. (Whew, made it through that one without an OJ joke).

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It is now my pleasure to break my first exclusive news story. I personally witnessed Rivers Cuomo of the band Weezer sign on, off, on again, and off of AIM at 10:20 pm, EST, on Tuesday, September 21, 2004. We here at BBW will provide continuing coverage so that you Weezer fans will eat up enough bandwidth so we can get some good-paying banner ads. Stay tuned for more of…

In other Weezer news, it was reported that the songs the band recorded under the supervision of uber-producer Rick Rubin have been scrapped, much like every other good demo Weezer has ever done (see also “songs from the black hole”). Rubin has moved back into more of a “spiritual advisor” to the band. When asked why, Rubin simply stated that he had finally heard the Green Album. On a more personal note, I’d like to say that the band as a whole has shown that they’re finally ready to make another great album. Let’s hope they can provide it.

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A flight from London to Dulles International Airport was diverted recently because singer/songwriter Cat Stevens was on board. Since joining the muslim community, Cat has not had any luck. Even now, he is on the United States' Watch List. When asked to comment, Tom Ridge, the Head of the Department of Homeland Security, spoke for the entire nation by simply stating: "Cat Stevens...what song did he do again?" He then subsequently spoke for himself, and possibly Ted Nugent, by saying that all "heathens" (read: muslims) look and sound alike to him anyway.

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On Tuesday the 21st, Presidential hopeful John Kerry reportedly stated that President Bush had lost credibility on his war in Iraq, which are some pretty strong words coming from an initial supporter of the war. When asked to comment, President Bush laughed and said “who said anything about credibility?” He then proceeded to mumble something about beating a horse with a waffle while wearing flip flops, until it was dead, if it messed with Texas. In response to Kerry’s statement, a political analyst remarked, “He’s just figuring this out now?”

Rock legends Sir Paul McCartney VI (formerly of a band you may have heard called the Beatles) and Brian Wilson (who once wrote a little tune called "Good Vibrations") are joining forces in 2005 to record a new album together. If this had happened in 1966 I would have instantly stained my knickers with the bodily fluid of your choice, but being that it's 2004 … well, I'm still kind of excited.

The pair decided to create a new LP after McCartney assisted Wilson on his latest solo album Gettin' In Over My Head. Rather than the progressive pop sound that the two became legendary for in the 1960s, Wilson says they'll be collaborating on a "rock'n'roll album". Let's hope by rock'n'roll he means the "Helter Skelter"/"Wild Honey" variety and not fucking Wings or "Kokoimo". Jesus Christ.

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Speaking of Brian Wilson, his upcoming Smile album -- a work that was originally supposed to have come out in 1967 and wound up driving him insane -- will be available in a special edition box format in the UK on October 4th. Yes, for the small price of £52.99 (that's over $90US!) you can possibly maybe get a one-in-four chance of your box being signed by Mr. Wilson himself. For that price, those odds fucking suck man. The box will feature a 3D shadowbox in the lid containing moveable figures in a recreation of the artwork in the album's booklet. Order it from Amazon today.

In other Smile news, Nonesuch records has set up a website with album artwork and streaming audio from the album's 'Americana' movement, including the songs "Heroes and Villains" and "Cabin Essence". The more people that sign up for the site, the more tracks and artwork will be revealed. The site also features a detailed essay about the story surrounding the album and it's newly recorded version.

One of the best revelations in the essay is the fact that Wilson is recording all the musicians live in the same room, including strings and horns -- just like he did during the original '66-'67 sessions -- in the small Studio One at Sunset Sound in Hollywood which still has its original 1960s echo chamber intact. Studio One is where Brian did a number of the original sessions for "Good Vibrations" and "Heroes and Villains". For the vocals, Brian and the band are recording their harmonies using an original tube console identical to the one Brian and the Beach Boys used at Western Studio 3 throughout the 1960s. So the album should have a classic analogue sound, undamaged by modern soul-stealing digital production. From this information and the actual sound of the streams, not much about the album has been altered from Wilson's original vision in the 1960s, thank god, and if all goes well that means the new 2004 Smile could be the greatest album you have ever heard in your entire life. That includes Elton John's greatest hits and Mötley Crüe's Doctor Feelgood.

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None other than Batman made an appearance at Buckingham Palace last weekend. You may know him from such films as Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, or Batman and Robin … or perhaps you're a bigger dork and know him from Detective Comics. But did you also know that the caped crusader is a tremendous champion of father's divorce rights in Great Britain? It's true, Batman used all the gadgets in his possession to sneak past intense security to stage a five-hour protest on a Buckingham Palace balcony. Even Robin showed up, helping Batman climb the palace fence before guards threatened to shoot him. Don't be threatened by those guards Robin, just use a fucking battarang dude! Besides being in the Justice League, Batman's also a Superdad member of Fathers 4 Justice, whose last protest was to throw condoms full of flour at British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Oh Batman, shouldn't you be fighting those darned evildoers in Iraq? America needs you!

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Drive-Thru Records has a new band called I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody's Business. And while they can fight with …And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead over who has the longer, more pretentious band name, their monicker is entirely appropriate for their new label. For you see, a mess is exactly what Drive-Thru has made of the independent music business. And they're assholes.

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Green Day have announced their very own line of custom printed blank CD-Rs. Forget that Memorex shit and find the superior fidelity captured by Green Day brand Rewritable Compact Disks! Every song you download and burn will sound JUST LIKE 1994's smash hit "Basketcase"! The CDs will feature the artwork of four Green Day albums: Dookie, Nimrod, Warning, and American Idiot, as well as a rare photo of the band. A world of endless possibilities await you with these CDs, allowing to you perform such totally "punk" pranks as giving your friend a Dookie CD that actually has Nimrod on it! HOLY SHIT OMG HOW FUKKIN PUNK ROCK IS THAT?!?! Suspiciously though, there will be no CD-R with the artwork of Insomniac. Perhaps the band doesn't want anyone burning that particular album? Each pack of CD-Rs is available at the cost of $7.99 or your personal dignity.

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John Cougar Melloncamp is back, bitch.

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Thanks Congress's failure to renew the Assault Riffle Ban, I can finally buy one of these:


I plan to hunt children and small mammals in Downtown Miami, just like I used to do on my PS2 when Grand Theft Auto: Vice City was cool. Awesome! Thanks for the right to bear arms Congress, from me and Charlton Heston both!

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First you had the liberal-minded Punkvoter.com, then there was the ludicrously idiotic Conservativepunk.com but now things are getting out of hand. I present to you ... Libertarianpunk.com. That's right, punk rockers that believe the US Government should be trimmed down to only the original powers granted in the Constitution.

You don't want THE MAN over-legislating your life so you can't even go out and buy spiked belts without running into some form of damnable government regulation! Of course we all know when Johnny Rotten was singing about Anarchy he was actually critiquing things like the War on Drugs which interfered with his ability to live his life as a free man in a community of like-minded but independent and autonomous individuals who are free to make their own choices and direct man toward the greater good in totally laissez-faire society. What's next, Green Party Punks? … oh wait …

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Absolutepunk.net is run a brain-dead idiot who charges people to have their CD reviewed or their news posted in a timely manner. And his parents are Satanist dog-fuckers. His name is Jason Tate and he is going to hell forever and ever. After reading this, he's going to threaten to sue us for about the fourth time because he is a spineless creep.

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Some Catholic school kids have their panties in a bunch because -- horror of horrors -- their candy wrappers showed cartoon fruit making the kind of sensual, passionate, and mutually satisfying love that will be forever out of their sinful reach. Haribo, maker of delicious bears and worms of the gummy variety, has received complaints over the packaging of their Maoam candy from students at Germany's St Blasien Jesuit College. In a letter to the firm, they wrote: "We are shocked at the shameless presentation of sexual practices on the wrapping, which includes not only sexual intercourse but also fellatio and cunnilingus... It's irresponsible, to expose children to such pornographic representations." People, people, people, come on! Fruit can't actually have sex, let along go to hell for being fornicators or saddomites. Come on let the lime have his fun with these sluts while he's young:




I actually really want to taste these now.

I'm back! After my two month hiatus from news, I bet you fuckers were breathing a sigh of relief.

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You've heard plenty from "Punk Rock" about what they think about politics. With punk we have Punkvoter.com, Conservativepunk.com, and according to Ryan, (although I don't believe him), Libertarianpunk.com. But as far as politically charged music websites go, we haven't heard much from hip-hop. Until now. Punks, say hello to SlamBush.net. Slam Bush is a contest in which rappers all around the country compete in anti-Bush rhyming battles. The finalists get flown to Miami, where they'll compete for $5000 and the notoriety of being the best at insulting Bush. The site also has suggestions of ways you can help the cause of sending W back to…well, do you really think he'll go back to Texas if he loses? Enter the contest now! The finals are the day before the debates start, September 29th. And for inspiration, here's video of MC Wordsworth slamming Bush. Hehe, Slamming Bush, I get it.

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Speaking of hip-hop and politics, Common recently gave "big ups" to Senate nominee, Barack Obama, in the remix of Jadakiss's politically charged single, "Why?". The MC from Chicago spits, "Why is Bush acting like he trying to get Osama? Why don't we impeach him and elect Obama?" Now, not only is that hilarious, but it has a whole new generation of voters looking at Obama as a potential candidate for the 2008 campaign. No word on whether or not the song will have any effect on whether or not Obama runs (but I think we have some time until we would find out, anyway). The song is currently playing on the radio every 20 minutes. And for all of you that think it's ridiculous for a musician to back a politician, it's not as bad as these people, who wanted Jello Biafra to be President in 2000.

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Is it illegal to rape the dead? Yes? Then why are Phil Knight and Yoko Ono still free? The CEO of Nike and the Beatles' angel of death have made a horrible transgression against the memory of John Lennon. Converse has released the "John Lennon Peace Chuck"; a pair of high-top Chuck Taylor's bearing Lennon's signature and a drawing of him sitting on top of the world. On the webpage advertising the shoe, this blurb accompanies a picture of the shoe:



"What do your shoes say to the world? In this case, they say you believe in peace, No matter where you go, the John Lennon Peace Chuck needs no translation. It transcends global, cultural, and socio-economic boundaries and represents the pursuit of individuality and self-expression." Well, it would transcend said boundaries, if it were not for the $60 price tag. Weren't Chuck Taylor's like 15 bucks 2 years ago? Welcome to America, folks, home of The Corporation! The guy who uses sweatshops around the world where children are practically slaves is trying to commodify peace. Yes, a man who lives off of the misery of others has brutally forced himself onto the spirit of John Lennon and deflowered it.

Decency: Rest in Peace.

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Propagandhi will start recording their follow-up to Today's Empires, Tommorrow's Ashes" this November, possibly shooting for a February release. I really expected more out of these guys this election year. Oh well, that's what you get for trusting Canadians. Oh, Tony too. I'm gonna go ahead and lump him in with Canadians while I'm at it.

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Pixies frontman (now known as Frank Black Francis) told Rolling Stone recently that the band was not in any rush to put out new material (FUCK!). The band has recorded two new songs this year: one is a song about a children's book called "Bam Thwok" that was released exclusively on iTunes; the other is a cover of Warren Zevon's "Aint That Pretty At All" for an upcoming tribute album. He has said, however, that the band may get bored and record a couple more songs. Let's keep our fingers crossed that they forgot to bring along the Yahtzee or Parcheesi games this tour.

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Buy The Passion of the Christ in 50 piece church packs!

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Apparently, the buzz is so big for Talib Kweli's upcoming album, The Beautiful Struggle, that Geffen pushed back two of their other hip-hop releases. Mos Def's The New Danger and De La Soul's The Grind Date. This will make Mos's album release five years to the day that he released his first and only album, Black on Both Sides. You can hear a track from Mos's upcoming album here.

Fun and enjoyment was had by all while the Republican National Convention was in beautiful New York City. They also had gross distortion, hidden agendas, image manipulation and cherry picking of facts for all! Hurray balloons! Putting their prettiest faces out first, the Republican Party's most reviled free-thinking moderates, well-liked by the public but despised by the party's powerbase. So we got John McCain insulting Michael Moore. We got Rudolph Giuliani pimping out his mayoral handling of September 11th while looking out over the convention and thinking 'soon this will all be mine'. We got Arnold Schwarzenegger calling everyone who's lost their job since 2000 an 'economic girlie man', which is surprisingly easy to say when you smoke $500 cigars, work for Hummer and marry a goddamn Kennedy.

But that was just their public front: the convention was originally supposed to have opened with an invocation from Jerry Falwell, who asserted just after 9/11 that the attack was god's punishment against homosexuals, the ACLU, and women who don't wear bras. The invocation was instead given by Sheri Dew, a Mormon publisher and activist who earlier this year said that opposition to gay marriage was like opposition to Hitler. Because let's be honest here, Hitler really fucked Europe right in the ass, and let's not forget how he sodomized those Jews. That's some compassionate conservatism for you. In other private RNC events, Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas told Republicans that they are currently soldiers in a "culture war" that required a reduction in the separation of church and state. Great fucking idea. Five people total arrested at the DNC versus over 500 before the RNC even began should tell America something.

Religious idiots sure made their appearance at the RNC, but one person who didn't show up was Osama Bin Laden, whose name was not even mentioned once despite all the September 11th bluster. John Kerry was mentioned several times in almost every speech, just in case America forgot who the real enemy was. The president and vice president also ignored all the expert evidence now compiled that concluded there was no link between 9/11 and Saddam Hussein, and that Saddam was no threat to U.S. security. After talking about "the fanatics who killed some 3,000 of our fellow Americans," Dick Cheney boasted: "In Iraq, we dealt with a gathering threat, and removed the regime of Saddam Hussein."

Only a few days later, Pentagon officials conceded that insurgents controlled important parts of central Iraq and that it was unclear just when American and Iraqi forces would secure those areas. A report by the respected Royal Institute of International Affairs in London also concluded that Iraq will be lucky if it avoids a breakup and civil war. The often-stated U.S. goal of a full-fledged Iraqi democracy is beyond unlikely. Senator McCain also came to the same conclusion as Bornbackwards: that that American troops will be in Iraq for the next 10 or 20 years. "That's not so bad," he said, adding, "We've been in Korea for 50 years. We've been in West Germany for 50 years."

Meanwhile Cheney, known to his friends as Darth Vader, made the ludicrous claim that John Kerry's presidential campaign was a grave 'security' risk to the United States. As if a Vietnam vet with the sense and courage to speak out against the war after he returned home could possibly make a worse commander-in-chief than someone who conclusively ditched his National Guard deferment and can't even spell the word 'security'. Cheney, the source of all evil in this mortal world, also bragged about a "Taliban driven from power," even though just as the convention began at least seven people were killed in Kabul by Taliban fighters taking refuge with our ally, Pakistan. Not to mention much of Afghanistan is controlled by warloards and the illegal opium trade is flourishing under US occupation. And yet no one looked around at the police-state that New York was transformed into by RNC security and thought, "Gee, maybe the terrorists really have won." Hmm, lets see … the cost of both parties' conventions combined with the cost of security for those events probably could have solved America's health care crisis.

Twelve Nepalese hostages were murdered in Iraq. The death toll among American forces in Iraq continued it's relentless climb toward 1,000. In Israel, 16 people were killed by suicide bombers on a pair of crowded buses. In Russia, a series of terror attacks have wounded the country, downing two airliners and killing an entire school full of children. Anyone who looks around the world and thinks it's a safer place is a blind fucking idiot. Or the president of the United States of America.

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What else is happening in the world? After six years of waiting, the long-rumored Nirvana boxset will finally see release this November, just in time to not buy it for your best-friend for Christmas because he's a fucking bastard that stole your copy of Incesticide back in '92. Plus, boxsets are expensive. Just buy him a flannel shirt, a Pearl Jam poster and an ounce of weed and he'll be right back there in '92 with you, bro! That fucking prick never gave it back either. He's almost as bad as Courtney Love, who successfully delayed the boxset three years past its original release date by suing the nonsuicidal members of Nirvana, Dave Grohl and Chris Novaselic. If you've ever wondered why she looks like a crackwhore it's probably because she's a crackwhore.

The boxset will include three CDs of material from the most important rock band of the 1990s, besides of course the truly legendary and life-altering Marcy Playground. Rumor has it that the CDs will contain over 50 unreleased recordings, including Kurt Cobain's solo demos, live performances, B-sides and rarities. A limited run of the boxset will include a DVD containing rare footage and live performances, including a video of the band playing a house party in 1987, presumably under a different name. The only song previously released from the set is "You Know You're Right", which appeared on Nirvana, a 'greatest hits' record from a band that shunned all such pretensions during their existence. Bootlegs of the material have circulated for years though, some of which have even more songs and CDs than the upcoming boxset. The poorly named Outcesticide bootleg series spans five CDs alone, which offers the possibility of perhaps a second boxset in time from Christmas '05.

Keep sucking the man's cold dead rigor mortis dick with those crazy two-toned teeth of yours Courtney, because his stiff body cums cash. Somebody's gotta pay for the botox injections, right? No cottage cheese thighs for Ms. Love, no sir.

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Saves the Day have been dropped from Dreamworks. Apparently the band was only making the day worse, much worse, for music fans everywhere. Spiderman and The Thing petitioned their contacts at Dreamworks to drop the band for infringing on their trademark phrase, making people afraid that by seeking a superhero's protection they would also be forced to sit through some extremely nasal pop punk. Sources close to the band say they intend to stay what they are and beg Vagrant to take them back.

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Former members of art-punk-troublemakers Liars are getting together to start a new band called No Things. Former bassist Pat Noecker and drummer Ron Alberson left the band during the recording of their awesomely abrasive witchhunt album They Were Wrong, So We Drowned, which is either the best thing to come from the NY scene or the absolute fucking worst, depending on who you ask. No word yet on whether No Things has recording plans, or even what they sound like, but they're currently playing their new material at shows around New York City.

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Speaking of awesome abrasive bands that were unintentionally mislabeled as dance-punk, let's talk about Black Eyes. Three members of the band (Hugh, Mike and Dan) have formed a new group called Horses with Fiona from DC's Et At It (who have just recently recorded for Ian Mackaye's recently launched Northern Liberties label). When deciding on the name Horses, the band was quoted as saying, "Well all the good names are taken, so we either name ourselves Horses or Rainbow Town." Either way, little girl's fantasy come true.

Meanwhile the other ex-Black Eyes band, free-jazz sensations White Flight have broken up, with the bearded Jacob moving to California as we previously reported. This leaves open the possibilities that Daniel from White Flight could rejoin his former Black Eyes compatriots in Horses and basically reprise that band's agenda, only with the addition of a female singer and the subtraction of a saxophone. Are you excited? Because I just pooped my undergarments, though that doesn't have anything to do with this. I'm just incontinent, I do this every day, folks. My life is empty.

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Former Faraquet members Devin Ocampo and Chad Molter are set to release their debut EP with their new band Medications on Dischord this October 25th. The five-song EP was recorded by Devin's former Smart Went Crazy bandmate, Chad Clark, who currently performs with Beauty Pill and who can only sleep at night because he was never in a band called fucking Horses.

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The Beastie Boys are launching their first tour in six years this October in Tampa, Florida. Let's hope they're not annihilated by the next seven hurricanes to hit the state.

Uhhhh-ohhhhh. Just when you thought that Colombian drag queen got the best of me, here I am. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

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Janet Jackson has some high cheek bones and expensive boobies. Ask CBS -- they're paying $550,000 for just one of them. In response to the heavy fine levied by the FCC, Ms. Jackson claims that President Bush and the White House exploited her by using the incident to distract people from the war in Iraq. "I truly feel in my heart that the President wanted to take the focus off of him at that time and I was the perfect vehicle. I mean, it is a bunch of bull-blank."

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You know when you're trying to pick up high school chicks online, and they start using all those fly acronyms that you're expected to know (but don't)? First they'll throw in an LOL , then a ROFL, then maybe a IWYSB or a PCOMT. You're thinking to yourself WTF? and have to play it off like you know the lingo. But really you don't. Probably because you're bald. To save you from having to google each acronym, MSN.com has laid them all out for you. Hopefully now you can score a couple body shots.

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Q: Why did hundreds of Chinese women line up outside a Beijing hospital to take part in testing a new "female Viagra"?

A: Because Chinese men have small penii.

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Should you ever lose faith in modern-day civilization look no further than Swaziland (one of those small land-locked countries found inside South Africa). It's ruling king, Mswati III, just picked his 13th wife during an annual ceremony at which thousands of bare-breasted girls were paraded before him for one purpose: to choose a new lover. This time around he chose a sixteen-year old Miss Teenage Swaziland finalist. Soon he plans to spend millions of dollars to build more palaces for his wives while 90% of his 1.2 million subjects live in poverty (and 40% of the adults have AIDS). Mswati has become legendary for spending lavishly, overturning court decisions, closing newspapers whenever he gets the urge and hunting children for sport. Well OK, I made that last part up about hunting children, but that's what I would do if I ruled Swaziland.

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Check out this list of the 50 Weirdest Guinness World Records -. Adam really liked the one about the guy with the longest tongue, but he wouldn't tell me why.

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Former President Bill Clinton successfully underwent quadruple coronary artery bypass surgery on Monday. He's recovering well with the help of a nurse or two and a hospital tub of chicken wings. Now if only he could run for president again ...

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Hurricane Frances ripped through most of Florida over the weekend. Of course there ended up being more hype than real disaster, but at least we had school cancelled for 2 days, giving us a 5-day weekend during which my productivity remained at an all-time low. Some people lost power and had their property trashed, but I really don't care since my internet-porn flow went uninterupted.

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Now I'm no music aficionado (I leave that to Ryan), but I've seen a few live shows in my day. I'm always hoping to be wow-ed, to leave the show with some crazy story to recite while lunching the next day with the cheap pricks that didn't go. "So half-way through their set the lead singer kicked the bass player in the face and pissed on the keyboardist while chanting something about the pope..." Apparently I've missed my chance. Not too long ago over in Norway, a band by the name of Cumshots decided to wow the audience of the Quart music festival by bringing a young couple on stage to hump. They simply walked out and shed their clothes; then he bent her over and slipped it in -- all in the name of rainforest conservation. That's right, the couple's goal was to raise money and awareness for their environmental organization Fuck for Forest, a concerned group of youngsters fighting to preserve the environment by using people's needs for sexuality as a way to raise money for nature. Now for what you really want:

Blood spattered artifacts from the New York Chelsea Hotel room of Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen are about to be displayed at The Hospital art gallery in London. Spungen died of a stab wound in the hotel room in 1978, Vicious was the prime suspect but claimed to remember nothing because he was zonked out on heroine. He died of a heroine overdose the following year at age 21. The exhibit took 15 years to collect and includes original t-shirts, handwritten and unrecorded lyrics by Vicious and bloody promotional poster of the Sex Pistols' "Never Mind the Bollocks, it's the Sex Pistols". It's unknown whether the blood on the poster is from the Spungen's murder or from the couple's "needle fun-time". Johnny Rotten is reportedly 'miffed' that dead Sid's belongings are on display in an art gallery, while he's still alive and can't even give away his solo albums.

Next up for Rotten is a duet with Ashlee Simpson, who he noticed has taken to spelling her name with two E's and likes to wear a t-shirt with the word 'punk' on it. Rotten called her 'this generation's Nancy Spungen, a torchbearer of the piss and blood punk spirit'. If only she would be brutally stabbed to death in a filthy hotel too.

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Travis Morrison, former frontman for the awesome Dismemberment Plan, has declared his independence. Like me, he's tired of the deception and manipulation of the American political system, he yearns for a country that does not lie to its citizens and so … he has formerly succeeded from the United States and formed the one-man nation of Travistan, where he serves as president, senator, supreme court justice, Donald Rumsfeld and the electorate all at once. It's also the name of his debut solo album due September 29th on Barsuk. Much like Jamaica used reggae music to bolster its sagging tourism economy in the 1980s, the album is expected to attract clueless sightseeing to the fledging nation. A list of its sites follows:

01 Get Me Off This Coin A
02 Change
03 Born in '72
04 My Two Front Teeth Parts II and III
05 Get Me Off This Coin B
06 People Die
07 Song for the Orca
08 Any Open Door
09 Get Me Off This Coin C
10 Che Guevara Poster
11 The Word Cop
12 Angry Angel
13 Get Me Off This Coin D
14 Represent

Boy, that's a lot of songs with the same name.

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Clear Channel is reported to be considering a purchase of UK mega-label EMI. Clear Channel already owns over 1,800 radio channels in the United States and many concert venues in major cities, giving them unprecedented control over who can get on the nation's airwaves and where they can tour. Clear Channel has long considered starting its own record company, but has held back due to major resistance from the music industry, but Clear Channel could get around that resistance by purchasing a struggling EMI. Hopefully, if this move does come to pass it will tip off US antitrust lawyers, who should be DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS ALREADY and investigating Clear Channel's monopolistic business practices. Remember the whole debacle with Standard Oil? We don't want another one of those.

Sense of outrage growing…
Desire to listen to acoustic ska ballads diminishing … for now…

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After the recent successl of the remake of Dawn of the Dead, horror legend George Romero is hard at work on the long-awaited fourth installment in his Living Dead series. Started in 1968 with Night of the Living Dead, one of the most successful horror movies of all time, the new film would be only the fourth movie in the series and the sequel to 1985's iffy Day of the Dead. Romero is scouting locations in Pittsburgh and Winnipeg for the film, titled Land of the Dead. The plot continues the tradition of Romero's older movies, leaving surviving humans in cramped locations (a house, a mall, and a military base in the previous films). In Land of the Dead, the zombies have succeeded in taking over the Earth leaving the last remaining humans trapped in a walled-in city. The poor fight for scraps on the street, while the rich live in fortified skyscrapers, much like downtown Manhattan.

Romero is also working on Diamond Dead with Richard Hartley, the composer of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The movie, which sounds completely awful, revolves around an undead 80s rock band and a woman who must kill 365 people in a year to keep them animated. Apparently it was inspired by the decadence of Skid Row's legendary 1985 tour, in which they asphyxiated goats, groupies and young children.

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Fuck politics.

Elliott Smith's final album, From a Basement on the Hill, will see release on the Epitaph subsidiary Anti-Records on October 19 of this year, ten day before the first anniversary of his death. The album has been slimmed down from a double disc and will contain fifteen tracks:

1. Coast to Coast
2. Let's Get Lost
3. Pretty (Ugly Before)
4. Don't Go Down
5. Strung Out Again
6. Fond Farewell
7. King's Crossing
8. Ostriches & Chirping
9. Twilight
10. A Passing Feeling
11. Last Hour
12. Shooting Star
13. Memory Lane
14. Little One
15. A Distorted Reality is Now a Necessity to be Free

Smith died in late October of last year from two stab wounds to the chest. While his death was originally considered a suicide, police are investigating in to any possible foul play in light of the details of Smith's autopsy report.

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A CD with some songs from U2's upcoming full length went missing last Tuesday while Bono and the rest of the IRA…er…U2 were doing a photoshoot. Whoever stole it did a great favor to us all. No, I'm not hoping they'll share it on soulseek, I'm hoping they destroy it. I've got my fingers crossed for that to have been the only copy.

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A Tribe Called Quest got back together.

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I guess Geffen gave Mos Def the budget he wanted for his upcoming album, because he's set a September 28th release date. It's going to be called, The New Danger. I was afraid we weren't going to see anything from Mos for a while, what with his movie deals and Rawkus Records getting bought by Geffen.

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Also releasing an album this year is Mos' friend, labelmate, and fellow Black Star member, Talib Kweli. His solo album, The Beautiful Struggle is set for a September 21st release date (just a week before Mos'). The album was set for a June 22nd release date but was pushed back after it was leaked and massively shared on the internet. Kweli recently spoke about why he and the other half of Black Star (Mos Def) have not put out another album together.

"Timing is everything. The assumption is the fans want it so that's a good enough reason to do it. It's not. That would disrespect the music. The reason to do it would be, just because the timing is right. Me and Mos have talked about it for a long time. I was friends with him before I did that album. Our relationship is based on a friendship, not based on a rap group. I see Mos all the time. There's no pressure between me and him. I'm more interested in Mos Def as my friend than Mos Def as my partner in Black Star and it's hard to explain that to people because they want the album. I wanna hear the album too, I would love to hear the album, but we can't be doing it just because."

He also did an interview with Allhiphop.com recently in which he discusses life, music and Jay-Z.

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Speaking of Jay, rumor has it that, despite being retired, he's attempting to start his own record imprint, overseen by Warner Music. This would mean a break from his long-standing relationship with Roc-A-Fella Records. The label would reportedly be called "Shawn Carter" which is his birth name.

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This news kinda sucks.

The reason for CIA director George Tenet's surprise resignation last month suddenly become clear: apparently, the Central Intelligence Agency withheld pre-war information about the nonexistence of Iraqi arms programs. According to the New York Times, the CIA was told by relatives of Iraqi scientists that programs to develop unconventional weapons had been long abandoned. The Senate Select Committee on Intelligence has uncovered that the CIA failed to give that information to President Bush as he publicly warned of the 'horrible' threat posed by Saddam Hussein and his illicit weapons.

The Committee raised questions about the CIA's role, whether it was actually objectively sorting through data or if had just become the Fox News of the intelligence community, advocating the war and manipulating data to fit their goal. The Senate report concludes that the agency and the rest of the intelligence community did a poor job of collecting information about the status of Iraq's weapons programs and did an even worse job writing reports that accurately analyzed that data, often distorting or ignoring certain bits of information, like the families of the Iraqi weapons inspectors. For example, the Senate Committee found that an Iraqi defector who supposedly provided evidence of a biological weapons program had actually said he did not know of any such program.

In Bob Woodward's "Plan of Attack", Mr. Tenet is said to have reassured Mr. Bush after Mr. Bush had made clear he was unimpressed by the evidence of Iraqi weapons presented to him in a December 2002 briefing. "It's a slam-dunk case!" Mr. Tenet is quoted as telling the president, with a glee befitting Bill O'Reilly or that cock-faced wart-licker from Hannity & Colmes. The CIA: Fair and Balanced.

In response to the news, Bush automatically garbled out his usual cliches, his eyes glassy and his mouth flapping like a broken robot, "Saddam had weapons, he was dangerous, the world is safer without him. God Bless America, I just had sex with my mother."

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We all hate cancer, don't we? Malignant cells growing uncontrollably, sucking up resources and choking off everything else around it. Well, Vagrant Records hates cancer even more than you do. In fact, Vagrant hates cancer so much that they're setting two types of cancer against each other in a tumoriffic cage-match to the death: biological cancer versus musical cancer. On September 21, Vagrant Records will release a two-disc compilation titled In Honor: A Compilation To Beat Cancer. Imagine it, a compilation CD doing what the doctors and scientists of the most advanced civilization on earth simply could not achieve. The comp will feature live and unreleased tracks by deadly musical cancers like Taking Back Sunday, Face To Face, Thrice, leukemia, My Chemical Romance, GMC Sonoma, Recover, Jawbreaker, Motion City Soundtrack, lymphoma, Thursday, None More Black and many more. The proceeds will be donated to help those who actually contract cancer after listening to such an apalling fucking mess.

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While most of the band's from the recently cancelled Lollapalooza tour have announced their own headlining tours, the Flaming Lips have used to the unexpected free time to work on their long-delayed children's movie Christmas on Mars, and hit the recording studio. For the movie, the Lips have just completed a song titled "Vaginal Holocaust", an emotional ballad about a young boy's hopes and dreams slated to be used during the touching 'coming-of-age' montage in the middle of the film. Additionally, the band is contributing an unnamed song to the Sponge Bob Squarepants movie. We at Bornbackwards speculate that the song may be titled "The Ballzak Apocalypse". So far their summer sessions have resulted in two announced songs, "Space Bible" and "Mr. Ambulance Driver", that are expected to see release on their follow up to 2002's Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, the tentatively titled Mobile Yoshimi II: Mega Tokyo Otaku Overload S.

"Vaginal Holocaust" simply rolls off the tongue in the most lovely way, doesn't it? Look for Christmas on Mars to be released this Christmas.

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You may know Glenn Danzig as a metal-punk maniac, founder of both the Misfits and Danzig (duh). But did you ever know that he was a total fucking pussy? That's right metal fans, get ready to be shocked out of your skin as Danzig -- the all consuming prince of liars, son of darkness and all-around evil guy -- gets knocked out with one punch. Apparently, Danzig got into an argument backstage with North Side Kings singer and frequent Soulfly collaborator Danny Marianinho. Following his set in Tuba City, Arizona, Danzig apparently refused to allow the other bands to play, telling his roadcrew to take apart the stage and equipment. When confronted by Marianinho while signing autographs backstage, Danzig pushed him into a wall with an articulate response worthy of a vice-president, "Fuck you, motherfucker." Marianinho punched Danzig once in the mouth, knocking him out like the limp-wristed pussy-bitch that he is. According to Marianinho, Danzig "went down bleeding from his mouth, eyes rolled back, and in shock that he got knocked to the floor so quickly." Danzig later complained that he had been sucker-punched and that Marianinho had bruised his delicate, porcelain skin.

The best part of all this? There's a video. That you can watch. Over and over. With a slow-motion instant replay. God Bless the Internet. The saddest part of all this? Danzig has been reduced to playing shows in shitholes like TUBA CITY.

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A man named Jimmy Guterman is attempting to do the absolutely insane: a tribute album to the Clash's often-maligned and misunderstood 1980 triple LP Sandinista! The tribute will feature covers of every song on the album, all 36 (!) of them. At first this might seem like a terrible idea but it holds a lot of promise. A tribute to any other Clash album would only result in disappointment, you can't reinterpret the perfect. But with its weird experimentation, annoying dub remixes, child songs and electronic effects, Sandinista! is perfectly suited for an open-ended reinterpretation. Guterman is currently seeking bands and labels to participate in his Sandinista Project. Twenty-seven of the 36 songs are still available.

Senator John Kerry has announced that his running mate will be Senator John Edwards. Senator Edwards ran against Kerry for the Democratic nomination, but dropped out of the race a few months ago and threw all his support Kerry's way. Edwards should balance out Kerry's platform in the eyes of voters. Edwards is a small-town guy to Kerry's blue blooded Bostonian. Edwards is the first in his family to graduate college, and comes from a humble background (his father was a mill worker), and grew up to become a successful trial lawyer. He also has all of the personality that Kerry so obviously lacks. Plus, I think he'll have all the Gen X and Y votes he can get for three reasons:

A.) He's not Bush.

B.) He announced his candidacy for president on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

C.) Gen Xer's love Nirvana, skateboarding and extreme sports. John Edwards loves to get 'extreme' on the weekends: bungy jumping every Saturday and practicing a little autoerotic asphyxiation with strippers the third Sunday of every month.

Also, Cheney made a phone call yesterday to Senator Edwards to congratulate him. The White House described the call as "brief and cordial". Here's a transcription of that phone call, exclusive to Bornbackwards, apparently Cheney is a big fan and records all his conversations like Nixon did:

Telephone ringing.

Receptionist: Senator John Edwards' office.
Muffled laughter followed by Cheney telling someone to be quiet

Cheney Officially: Uh, yes, hello, this is Vice President Dick Cheney. I'm just calling Senator Edwards to congratulate him on his candidacy for Vice President.

more muffled giggles.

Receptionist: Hold please, while I transfer you.

Brief ringing.

Edwards: John Edwards.

Cheney: Go fuck yourself!

Edwards: Hello? Hello?

George Bush Giggling: You got him good Uncle Dick!

A sharp click is heard and the conversation abruptly ends.

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"The greatest actor of all time", Marlon Brando, died late last week of being 80 years old (or lung failure if you ask the "real" press). Brando led an odd life and although he remained in Hollywood for most of it, he made it a point to stand outside of Tinseltown. He took on many civil rights causes as an actor including the plight of the Native American. He even married one of his three wives under the impression that she was Native American [and sexxy]. He divorced her soon after it was revealed that she was in fact Irish [and thus, not very sexxy]. Apparently, the red pubes gave her away.

Brando played many defining roles in his career that made him a screen legend. And although his roles in choice films waned in his later years, his performances, as Don Vito Corleone in the Godfather, or in his breakout role as Stanley Kowalski in 1951's A Streetcar Named Desire, will forever be a part of cinema history.

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Recover has announced the title and tracklist to it's full-length to follow-up the total fuck up that was their last EP C'est na xie uhe. It's called This May Be the Year I Disappear. Let's pray for less suck this time, otherwise this definately may be the year they disappear.

1. Night Of The Creeps
2. Simple
3. Disappear
4. Slower
5. Fuck Me For Free
6. LA
7. Crashed
8. Push Push
9. Light Up The Night
10. Once In A While

Lollapalooza got cancelled because of poor ticket sales. Essentially, everyone who wanted to see Modest Mouse, Morrissey, The Flaming Lips, the Pixies or Sonic Youth already saw them at Coachella, because every indie rocker in the entire world was there. It was truly the Woodstock of our generation! Only with dry, desert heat instead of bad acid freakouts. And those two days are a lesson to the world man: we can all live in peace together brother! Perry Farrell -- the tour's founder/organizer and a man who's very image is considered to be porno for pyromaniacs -- had this to say about the cancellation, "My heart aches along with the bands, and all of our employees, whose hard work developed one of the most exciting and important tours that this nation was to see. My heart is broken." Farrell has recently been spotted wandering down Sunset Strip in bathrobe and slippers, clutching a tub of Haagen-Daaz and looking dazed. First heartbreak can be a tough thing for a young girl to handle.

Most of Lollapalooza's headliners have already announced their own headlining tours to cover their suddenly empty summer. Now if only they could band together into some sort of roving summer festival …

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Now that we've passed into the 21st century, we can expect to see all kinds of cool sci-fi shit, right? Flying cars, mega robots, interstellar space flight, Judy Jetson in a cyber-bikini, all that jazz. Well no, not exactly. But we do get mutant superheroes! Check it out, right now the future members of the X-Men are being born.

A 4-year-old in Germany was found to have a gene mutation that boosts his muscle growth and makes him super-strong. 'Superbaby' has muscles twice the size of other kids his age with half their body fat and he can hold seven-pound weights with his arms extended, something many adults cannot do. The boy's mutant DNA blocks production of the myostatin protein that limits muscle growth. It could eventually lead to a cure for muscular dystrophy or a replacement for steroids. Doctors worry that the boy could have heart conditions later in life though. Check it out.

And over in Iran a woman gave birth to a frog-baby! It is believed that the woman picked up some frog larva in her uterus while swimming in a filthy pool (they're very common in Iran). An Iranian paper said the creature is believed to have grown from larva to an adult frog inside her body. The find is weird and unpresidented, but what's strangest of all is that the same paper quotes some medical experts who say there are human characteristics to the frog, "The similarities are in appearance, the shape of the fingers and the size and shape of the tongue." The frog-man-baby-thing is currently undergoing genetic testing. Check it out.

Somewhere, Professor X is giggling with pure glee. I can't wait till Superbaby and Frogman save the world, shit's gonna be so damn cool when they take down Magneto.

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It seems everybody's issuing expanded 'special' editions of their albums, even Dashboard Confessional. But when your album only came out two years before, what's so special about it? Well, one of the best records of all time is finally getting its long overdue expansion. On its 25th anniversary, The Clash's epochal London Calling will be given a second disk of demos and unreleased songs from the 'Vanilla Tapes', which were recently discovered in guitarist Mick Jones' closet. Rounding out the new package are rare band photos, an essay, full song lyrics and a 45-minute documentary DVD with recording studio footage, previously unreleased live performances and interviews with the band. Get ready to spend your milk-money on September 21st for the new London Calling. In fact, put it on your calendar.

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Downloading music on the internet is actually good for the industry. I swear it. Check it out: because their profits have been hurt so bad by illegal mp3s, the Warner/Epic/Atlantic group has dropped the contracts of Korn, The Donna's, and Third Eye Blind. MxPx was also dropped from Interscope. Finally, the major labels are trimming their worthless bullshit acts, and if that's not good for the industry then I don't know is. Rumor has it that the guys from Korn are now supporting themselves by giving dollar BJs and rimjobs to high-powered executives in the restrooms of 'gentlemen's clubs'. How incredibly prescient that one of their stage names was 'Head', must be his life-calling. Another BJ on the house, Head my boy! Mind if I tug on your braids?

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No Idea Records has finally decided to put out a second I Hate Myself CD. Initially, the band's catalogue was available only on vinyl. Their sole LP was finally issued on CD only after their break up. I Hate Myself's remaining releases -- a one-sided 12" EP, a split LP, a 7" and various compilation tracks -- will finally be bundled together and easily available on CD, along with three new songs the band has just finished recording. No word yet on whether this could point toward a full reunion, but the band certainly cleaned up at their one-off reunion show in Gainesville a few years ago.

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Something's fishy in the world of the electroclash 80s revival, and I don't mean the fact that the entire scene is utterly stupid. According to the New York Post, Ryan Noel, 29, of the fashioncore band A.R.E. Weapons, died of a heroin overdose. Band members said they did not even know he was using the drug. What's strange is that 10 days before the Post ran their story, the Springfield News reported that Noel had died in a car accident in New York City. You can compare the stories yourself: drugs or cars? Further muddying the waters is the statement the band released following news of Noel's death, "Ryan is [bleeping] awesome." All of which leads me to believe the band may be manipulating the news media to score free press for their shitty band. Way to go guys, A.R.E. Weapons is a fucking stupid name. I sincerely hope that somebody in your band is named Head.

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Iraq is so stable and ready to be handed over to an interim government that we did it two days early to avoid those perfectly stable terrorist attacks. Sneaky thinking, boss! Too bad this interim government is more or less symbolic (like their president, the real power's in the prime minister, baby!) and it isn't quite as sovereign as we'd like everyone to believe. First of all, we appointed them all from Iraqi outcasts who hadn't been in the country in over a decade and helped us out with all the great pre-war intelligence. Secondly, the new government has no true power of its own, it's entirely beholden to the US Army to keep the flimsy peace. They're our puppet. We're also in the midst of building dozens of permanent Army bases in the country. When the Iraqi government actually tried to make a sovereign decision -- they wanted to take over custody of Saddam Hussein -- the US just gave it a condescending little wink followed by a "sure thing, big guy." You see, the White House has said that Saddam is 'officially' in Iraqi legal custody ... but he's still physically in the care of the United States on the excuse that Iraq has no prison capable of housing him. How about Abu Ghraib? Or is that just too symbolic?

Now dance for me, my little marionette Iraq!

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In other news, it appears that the Republican administration may be cracking just a wee bit under the pressure of public opinion. During the Senate 'class photo' this year Dick Cheney cursed out Democratic Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont. Apparently Leahy made some comments critical of Halliburton's war profiteering and Cheney told him to go fuck himself. I'm serious. It's like the capitol dome is a junior high school yard, I can't wait for the fisticuffs to break out as soon as class lets out.

Next up is a Bush campaign web video that intersperses scenes of John Kerry, Al Gore, Howard Dean and Michael Moore with footage of Adolph Hitler. The video tries to draw a connection between the angry rhetoric of Kerry's supporters and the famously passionate speeches of Hitler, labeling them all the 'Coalition of the Wild-Eyed'. It's actually a pretty funny little title, except that the 'Coalition of the Willing' was a Bush phrase and is therefore totally superfluous in trying to satirize Kerry. Oh, that's not to mention fucking HITLER! The footage of Adolph was originally used in a campaign ad contest for the liberal group Moveon.org. But when Republicans cried foul, Moveon.org removed the video rightly saying that the Bush/Hitler comparision was 'in bad taste'. But now the same footage is being used by Bush, not as a legitimate criticism of the vehement rhetoric and overblown claims of some Democrats, but as the exact same kind of comparison his supporters were upset about in the first place!

In related news, Bush's poll numbers have sunk to an all-time low over the issue of Iraq.

Elliott Smith's final album is being completed by former producer Rob Schnapf and producer/ex-girlfriend Joanna Bolme. The album now bears the title Songs From a Basement on a Hill. The tracklisting is rumored to have 12-15 songs, which, if true, contradicts earlier rumors that it would be a double album.

Also, the cover for Smith's upcoming biography by Benjamin Nugent is online. LOOK HERE. The album, as well as the book are believed to be scheduled for an October release.

Smith will also guest on a track on the upcoming Jon Spencer Blues Explosion album Damage, even though he is dead.

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28 Days Later is getting a sequel, to be titled 28 Weeks Later. No word on whether Cillian Murphy, the star of the first film, will rejoin or if the movie will even center around his character. Danny Boyle will not direct 28 Weeks Later, although he will produce the film.

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Instead of touring Europe, former A Tribe Called Quest-er, Q-tip has decided to stay stateside and put the final touches on his eagerly anticipated third solo album, Open. Common, Andre 3000 and D'Angelo, will make appearances on the album.

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A critic from Black World Today, Junious Ricardo Stanton, wrote an article calling Method Man and Redman's sitcom Method & Red "Hip Hop minstrelsy". The article compares the show to Amos & Andy, a television minstrel show that the NAACP petitioned to get off the air in 1953.

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Fahrenheit 9/11's opening came and went and the film set the record for the highest grossing documentary ever with an opening weekend of 21.8 million. 21.8 million, ironically, is exactly the number of Little Debbie snack cakes Michael Moore has consumed in his lifetime. The man loves his Fancy Cakes.

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I went to Warped Tour on Monday. I'm sunburned and pissed. I feel ripped off despite the tickets being free.

June 21st 1964 was a great day in American history. It marked the birth of an American delicacy that would grow into a longstanding favorite sidedish to the almighty pizza. On that day at the Anchor Bar in downtown Buffalo New York, the Buffalo Wing was born. The history of the buffalo wing goes further though. It is a known fact to us Buffalonians that the Anchor Bar in Buffalo wasn’t the first to sell wings, but were the first to originate a hot sauce and a different approach of preparing them. I do feel pity for those of you who haven’t had a genuine Buffalo Wing (although we Buffalonians just call them "wings"), instead you are subjected to the disgraceful skinny, slippery, greasy, slimy, baked knockoffs found on restaurant menus south of my great city. I curse all the peddlers of inferior, imposter wings and urge you all to experience the pure saucy bliss that is a plump and juicy wing, indigenous only to the City of Light.

And all hail the wing king!

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The Olsen twins turned 18 two weeks ago. Oh and apparently Mary-Kate is anorexic. Who’d a thunk it? Eat some wings girls.

Rumor has it that Ashley has been hoarding all the food to herself, just like she hoardes all the cutest boys in their movies. That hoard!

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Hollywood is fucked. Nicole Kidman has been getting down and dirty with a ten year old in a movie currently under production. The film Birth features Kidman getting naked and bathing with a kid she believes is the reincarnation of her dead husband. Initially this might have sparked outrage, but recently someone mistook Tom Cruise for a kid. Innocent mistake, because he has the stature of Napoleon Bonapart.

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Am I the only one who got Bill Clinton’s "a pickle stepping into history" joke? Being the middle president between two Bush terms. But then again every other joke anyone has ever made about Clinton and a pickle had to come to a different punch line.

I used to live in Hollywood, and living there you know all the happenings with whores. God, I love whores. And since im a miserable old man I have the right to talk about all the whores I want. Finally, I get to talk about my favorite whores, the now of age twin whores whom i adore. What hormone filled hetero man doesnt love twin whores, and anorexic twin whores at that. Filthy rich whores, whoreing themselves out with all that money, I love it. The Olsen Twins are my new favorite obsession. Why? Its legal now you cunts, dont judge me.

Im also quite fond of that Lizzie McGuire whore, although its not quite legal for me to send her compromising pictures of myself. Yet, that hasnt stopped that cunt mother fucker kid from Good Charlotte from trying to score that rich pussy. Arent you like 25? Isnt she 17? Isnt it great being famous, so pedophilia is acceptable? I Hope your life comes to an end you lousy motherfucker.

And why the fuck is the same thing happeing with that Lindsay Lohan whore? She's fucking 25 year old MTV VJ's. Shes only fucking 17!

Speaking of MTV who gave that whore Ashlee Simspon a TV show? Why does she continue to waste hours of peoples lives by being uninteresting and having a show where she just talks about her uninteresting life! She's not even famous! Whore! Although I am fond of her whore sister, slut reminds me of the dumb groupies I fucked plenty of em back in the day. They arent smart but christ is that some good pussy! God bless them whores!

Ronald Reagan -- the 40th president of the United States and a senile old fart beloved by the religious right -- has finally died after battling Alzheimer's for the last decade and going totally batshit fucking insane. Dude couldn't even tell the difference between a turkey sandwich and a bathtub, in fact he's probably already forgotten that he died. Upon news of his death every television set in the United States was invaded by the departing spirit of the Gipper like it was 1984 all over again. Every news station in the country trotted out their prepacked Reagan retrospectives and let all of America know exactly how sad they should be and what a swell guy he was. Lost in the milieu was any talk of the man's policies, his scandals or the pervasive negative impact he's had on American politics for the last 25 years. Did we forget the man illegally sold arms for hostages in Iran? Did we forget he used those profits to illegally fund a rebellion in Nicaragua? Did we forget that he gutted Johnson's anti-poverty programs and that the gap between rich and poor widened like fissure during his presidency? Did we forget he presided over the biggest peacetime military buildup ever and almost lead us into a nuclear war with the Soviet Union? Did we all forget that he's the man who made the wackos on the religious right a viable political presence, tripled the national debt, pushed for prayer in school and wanted to repeal Roe v. Wade? Let's all try to remember the slogan of a million torn punk-rock t-shirts from the '80s: Fuck Reagan.

Meanwhile the Bush administration has already begun pimping out Reagan's lifeless skeleton as a tool in their flailing, brain-damaged reelection campaign. As if the memory of old Ronnie will somehow make everyone forget all about torture and insurgents in … where was that place again? Bush proclaimed next Friday, June 18th 2004 to be a government holiday in honor of the old man's death and is personally trying to recruit Reagan's widow, Nancy Reagan, to his campaign despite his public opposition to stem-cell research that Nancy believes could help those with Alzheimers. There's even been talk of Reagan's smiling old face replacing Hamilton on the $10 bill and even Franklin Roosevelt on the fucking dime! His body is now circulating the country for anyone and everyone to cry over, and Bush's advisors are deciding whether to include his image in their campaign ads in an effort to emphasis the similarity between Bush's awful policies and Reagan's awful policies. Reagan was a hugely popular president though, and Bush is a despised one unlikely to win a second term. Reagan also believed that people were more free when the government stayed out of their lives, but Bush is intent on turning America into a repressive fascist state that monitors its own citizens and routinely deceives the American public to achieve its goals. The most important difference though is that Reagan undeniably inspired America with a new sense of optimism after the dismal 1970s while Bush only makes me ashamed to be an American.

The punks were right, and to prove that point Kill Rock Stars has posted a list of anti-Reagan songs for your listening pleasure: "Hinkley Had a Vision" by the Crucifucks, "Fucked Up Ronnie" by DOA, "If Reagan Played Disco" by the Minutemen, "President Gas" by the Psychedelic Furs, and of course "Bonzo Goes to Bitburg" by the ever-lovable Ramones.

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Much more deserving of respect than Reagan: Robert Quine, the guitarist behind Richard Hell and the Voidoids' legendary punk classic Blank Generation was found dead on June 5th.The Voidoids were one of the original New York punk bands, spinning off of Television and providing the world with ripped t-shirts as fashion, as well as the perfect punk anthem, "Blank Generation". After the Voidoids broke up, Quine began collaborating with legends like Lou Reed, Tom Waits, John Zorn, Brian Eno, and weirdest of all, They Might Be Giants. Quine was also a rabid Velvet Underground fan and his amateur recordings of Velvets shows in 1969 were released in 2001 as the excellent Quine Tapes. For all his originality, Quine chose the typical rock star death -- a heroine overdose -- though at the decidedly atypical age of 68 years old. Rumors are also circulating that the overdose may have been consciously inflicted because of his wife's death last year.

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Chris Frantz, former drummer for the Talking Heads, reported on tomtomclub.com that the out-of-print 1982 Talking Heads live album The Name of This Band is Talking Heads will be rereleased this August. The album will be the first in a series of remastered Talking Heads albums. No details on any bonus tracks though. The Heads' former keyboard and guitar player, Jerry Harrison, is also reported to be working on a Dolby 5.1 DVD-Audio mix of Remain in Light, the best album of the 1980s.

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Kelly Osbourne -- the unholy priestess of pain, the flame-eating spawn of Beelzebub and just generally a bad human being -- will be launching her very own clothing line through the most likely place you can possibly think of.

You have to guess. I'm serious, you get three tries … give up?

Hot Topic of course! Real fucking original, Kelly. Nobody saw that one coming. Her clothing line, titled "Ugly Clothes for Fat Chicks", will be located to the right of the spiked belts, next to the Korn shirts.

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I know that everyone reading this site was desperately awaiting the Summer of Ska festival to return third-wave ska to the forefront of underground rock and MTV2 consciousness, but the show was cancelled! The whole Summer of Ska, canceled! Can you believe it? How does someone just cancel a summer like that? The official reason for the cancellation was a lack of permits and funds. But the real reason is circulating across ska-loving websites like this one: there are only two ska bands left in the world. The rest have thrown themselves off a cliff to land in a bloody mess of broken bones and brass instruments. The festival was planned for Saturday, August 7th in Orange, California the only place in the continental United States where ska music is still considered 'mildly tolerable.'

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Lovitt Records' poster boys and top-selling band have jumped ship! In a totally unexpected move, Engine Down has signed to Lookout! Records for their new self-titled album due on August 24th. The reason given for the band's departure was simple: Lovitt rules, but Lookout!'s distribution rules even more.

Justice is done! Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 has won the Palme d'Or, at Cannes. If you didn't know, The Palme d'Or is Cannes' top honor. This mark's the first time for a documentary to take the prize since Jacques Cousteau's The Silent World won it in 1956. Moore was told by festival jury president, Quentin Tarantino, that it did not win because of the politics, but because of the power of the film. This makes me very excited to see it. Which reminds me, the film will start showing in U.S. theatres on June 25th. That's right, this month! And rumor has it that it is fast tracking for an October (pre-election) DVD and VHS release. Also, if you want a nice preview of the film, the trailer is finally up. Go here. The distribution of this film was made possible by Lion's Gate (I called it) and a new label, Fellowship Adventure Group, started by Bob and Harvey Weinstein of Miramax.

This whole mess started when Michael Eisner of Disney reared his ugly head as the money whore he is, and decided to block the film because it might piss Bush off and cost him valuable tax breaks. Disney's relationship with Miramax has suffered as a result, and now the parent company is seriously considering letting it's most successful subsidiary go. But not without having the last word. Disney is said to be in talks with the Weinsteins, but may not let them have Miramax's back catalogue which includes many many many films including all of Tarantino's films, Good Will Hunting and countless Oscar winners. Disney purchased Miramax in 1993 for $80 million, but the company is estimated to be worth more than $2 billion now.

Also, Michael Moore has said that he has unused video interview footage of Chris Berg, who was beheaded last month in response to Iraqi prisoner abuse. Moore said he has no intention to release the footage -- which was filmed for Fahrenheit 9/11 -- to the media and he is dealing privately with the Berg's family.

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Now we've all heard Billy Joel's historical chronicling of modern times, "We Didn't Start the Fire". Well, world, get ready for "We Didn't Vote for Dubya"! It's a lyrical reworking of what is probably Billy Joel's most significant song. That chorus is gonna be in my head all day! Check it out here.

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The RIAA has sued nearly 500 more people for file-sharing. Nearly 500! Jesus, that's .02% of the people that are on Kazaa as of press time! And that's just Kazaa. Ooh, I'm fucking scared!

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You know that revolutionary new technology, DiscLive, in which you can instantly buy a live album of the concert you just watched? Yeah, well, Clear Channel bought it. "Oh shit" is right. That's not the best part, execs have all but announced that the technology is not commercially viable and they may not even authorize its use. Yeah, they buy the rights to something and then lock it away forever. Looks like the Pixies show I go to this fall won't have live CD's available, even though they've been doing it all tour, and it seems to very viable indeed. DELETE CLEAR CHANNEL!

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Napster launched in the UK and immediately went bankrupt.

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Conor Oberst is working on the new Bright Eyes record, I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning. He has also stated that there may be enough material for another record. No word on whether or not these records will suck hard.

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Also in line for massive suckage of male appendages is the new Hives album. It comes out July 20th and is titled Ryan Boyle Is Our Biggest Fan.

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P. Diddy has announced that he will host a show, tentatively named, "Project Change" in which he hopes to get people off of the streets of Bed-Stuy (do or die), Harlem and Detroit to ask President Bush and candidate John Kerry unscreened questions. I sincerely hope this comes through, as it will be some of the funniest shit on television. Just think, a half hour where Bush wouldn't have his flunkies feeding him answers.

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Chuck Palahniuk film update!

Survivor will finally be made into a film after being delayed by 9/11, no cast or director yet.

Invisible Monsters begins filming this year and is set to star Jessica Biel and possibly Val Kilmer.

Choke will begin production late this year.

Diary will begin production next year.

Palahniuk has also stated that he has "several big projects" cooking with Fight Club director, David Fincher. And just when I thought Hollywood was losing touch with its apocalyptic, anarchistic side!

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Mos Def is refusing to record his follow-up to 1999's Black On Both Sides until Geffen gives him the budget that he wants. Meanwhile, quite a few of his demo tracks have been leaked and are being packaged as an "unofficial" bootleg. He's also currently starring in the live-action film adaptation of Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

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Mike Devine, a member of The Clash cover-band, London Calling, was arrested in the UK as a terror suspect after he accidentally sent a text message discussing the lyrics of "Tommy Gun" to the wrong person. The message read, "Tommy Gun? OK - so let's agree about the price and make it one jet airliner for 10 prisoners." One month later, the police came to his house and took him into custody. It's a good thing he didn't discuss the "Guns of Brixton" lyrics too, or this guy would be dead.

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Outkast are going to be some busy motherfuckers this year. Andre and Big Boi have announced that they're going to record a new album this year, with both of them together like they used to do before their smash hit, Speakerboxxx/The Love Below. It is said that it will be a "hardcore" rap album, totally put together by producer Organized Noize. Outkast are also in the beginning stages of filming two new films, and they're even doing the entire soundtrack for one of them. And I'm talking original material. That's right, new songs. I don't know how they're gonna fit this in between Andre's five other films, his cartoon show, his new clothing line, and their renewed lawsuits with Rosa Parks.

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Does every mainstream rapper have a clothing line? The reason I ask is that Kanye West has even started one called Mascot. He's also making a line of shoes called Mascott Trainers. And, in conjunction with Jacob the Jeweler, he's putting out his own line of religious jewelry, a 'Caucasian Jesus' statuette has already been put out, and next up is the depiction of Jesus as a black man. Man, I wish I was crazy-rich like Kanye. I'd make my own Austin statuettes and sell them at 5 buck a pop. I'd make millions! Kanye is also rumored to be producing Jamie Foxx's new album. And this is an album of singing, not comedy, although whether or not it'll be funny is yet to be seen.

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And finally there is a rumor going around that a certain Houston band that I know (cough…Bytheendoftonight…cough) may be working with a certain former Nirvana and Pixies producer (cough…SteveAlbini…cough) for their next album, to be released on Temporary Residence Ltd. But I didn't say anything, did I?

While every gay person in the country is headed to Massachusetts to get married, the Puritans must be spinning in their long forgotten graves. Massachusetts, formerly known for witch trials and ultra-conservative religious immigrants fleeing persecution in England, is the first state in the United States of America to offer legal gay marriages. If you remember the gay marriages in San Francisco a few months ago were illegally performed against the order of the California state government. New York state has even gotten in on all the gay old fun, issuing a statement proclaiming that they will recognize all unions performed between man-and-man and woman-and-woman in other states, though they themselves will not be performing any such ceremonies for the moment. Let's all celebrate the gay way! Hurray!

Now homos everywhere can defile the most precious and holy institution that has ever been devised by humans, animals or god himself by entering into long, loving and mutually supportive life-long monogamous relationships like they were regular old heterosexuals like me and my mom! They might as well fuck each other right on the church alter under God's very own eyes while listening to Black Sabbath and devouring the heart of a new newborn baby! Sliding in and out, in and out of each other's crevices in the most disgusting and luscious way ever! What gay old fun!

But everybody knows God has forgiven homos since they invented fashion and Disco. Don't try to convince these wackos though. And yes, that woman's sign does say "Thank God for Sept. 11", thank you for asking:


Meanwhile President Bush has renewed his call for a constitutional amendment to ban homosexuals from existing.

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Ever wanted to hit the big time? I'm talking rich baby, as rich as you can imagine: gold-plated X-Boxes, designer Versace diapers, Paris Hilton's disease vagina and the bathtubs full of the blood of albino children to keep you looking young. Well here's your chance to avoid a lifetime of grinding, soul-killing labor and endless, bloodsucking bills: by being a rapper! That's right, first there was Jay-Z and Eminem, then there was The Fat Boys and House of Pain, now … there's YOU!! Just check out this website HOW TO MAKE MILLIONS IN RAP MUSIC (all in caps, mind you. Real rappers don't fool around with lower case, dat's for foo's). For only 70 dollars ca$h, you can get a 2CD lecture and resource book from million-selling rap stars Kane and Abel (who I have never, ever heard of) that will tell you all the tricks and secrets of P-Baby, 50 Cent and Master P! As they say, "Take your music straight to the top of the charts. Be a hood superstar and get paid $$$ in the music business." We all know how great having some $$$ in your pocket feels, so order now … and happy rapping, G!

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A French author claims to have published the first novel with absolutely no verbs. Unsuprisingly, he is also the first to get the absolute stupidest idea in the entire history of civilization published. That's right, stupider than gay marriage, Tamagotchis or Orbitz© brand soft-drinks with the gross little floaty things in it. Under the pseudonym Michael Thaler, the 60-year-old French author has published The Train from Nowhere, an entire 233-page book of flowery prose and jam packed with the oft-neglected adjective. Thaler has said that it was liberating to write without verbs, which he calls "invaders, dictators, and usurpers of our literature … The verb is like a weed in a field of flowers," he said. "You have to get rid of it to allow the flowers to grow and flourish." The 'plot'--if you can call it that--is just a series of descriptions of train passengers. Predictably, the book has drawn harsh criticism for its lack of action and momentum. One reviewer described it as 'disagreeable'. Who'da thunk it?

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The Appleseed Cast has broken up.

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Guess who's still running for president? No, not John Kerry. Come on, that's too easy. … You give up? Dennis motherfucking Kucinich, that's who! That's right, the little bugger is still running for president and his aides report that he nightly watches old VHS tapes of the Bad News Bears, the Mighty Ducks and Seabiscuit for inspiration. Bet you forgot all about him. Despite the fact that he has won exactly zero primaries in the entire season, he just won't quit. He's banking all his time and money and the late and lonely Oregon primary, even taking out TV ads. When asked just what the hell he thought he was doing, Kucinich said, "I guess you can say I am saving the Democratic Party from itself." Big words from a little man. See, Kucinich hopes to turn the direction of the Democratic National Convention this year towards an unambiguous stand against the war in Iraq and the idea of war being 'inevitable'. He hopes to collect enough delegates--here and there--to influence the convention this summer in Boston.

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Four years after their last release, Green Day are preparing to release their seventh studio album this September 14th. In keeping with their long tradition of thought-provoking album titles like Dookie and Kerplunk, the new album and its lead single will both be called American Idiot. Let's all hope their new screamo direction pans out.

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Travis Morrison, former frontman of the dearly departed Dismemberment Plan, has announced that his long-awaited solo album will be released this fall. Since the D-Plan's breakup, Morrison has posted a series of diverse pop songs on his website, some great and some genuinely frightening. The album has been finished for three months, all that remains are final mixes and guest contributions. Although the album has no label and set release date other than 'fall', it does sport a title: Travistan. Better than American Idiot certainly, but it's nothing to be writing on your backpack in white-out.

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A film about the life and death of Joy Division frontman, Ian Curtis, is in development. It's being developed by Secretary producer Amy Hobby and Neil Weisman -- a friend of former Joy Division manager, Tony Wilson, who was also the subject of the film, 24 Hours Party People. Moby is executive producer, marking the first good thing Moby has done with his career.

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Click here to see Tim Kasher of Cursive and The Good Life playing The Good Life song "Empty Bed" on top of a pizza parlor, wearing a cowboy hat. Really, I'm not joking. I don't even have to write a punch line for that one (which is convenient, because I can't think of one).

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And finally, Henry Rollins has started up the new District Line record label. It will be used solely to release rarities from the Washington DC area. The first 2 releases are the entire out-of-print discography of DC Go-Go funk band Trouble Funk and the compilation Thirty Seconds over DC which features the likes of Half Japanese, The Slickee Boys and The Nurses. I hope this project makes enough money to continue, but there's no way in hell I'm buying a CD by a band that describes themselves as "Go-Go Funk" and their name is Trouble Funk.

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Click here to see the trailer for Spike Lee's latest "joint", She Hate Me. It looks pretty interesting. It's about a corporate whistleblower who loses his job, so he turns to impregnating rich lesbians for money. That creative little Spike. And I do mean little. He's a small guy.

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These Arms Are Snakes have set a September 21st release date for their new album, Oxeneers/The Lion Sleeps When Its Antelope Goes Home which will come out on Jade Tree Records.

Guess what! We aren't the only Born Backwards on the net anymore! And we were sooooo lonely being the only ones. Actually these limey douchemonkeys are some stupid alt-rock band from the other side of the pond. And from the band's own website, this is a description of how they sound:

"…influenced by rock and roll heroes such as The Stooges and The Rolling Stones along with latter day artists including The Black Crowes, The Backyard Babies and The Supersuckers. A hint of 80's hairband swagger was added and Born Backwards was born…with a set consisting of an ever-growing list of original material and a sprinkling of cover versions by the likes of Billy Idol, The Rolling Stones and Danko Jones. If you are really lucky they might even throw in a Motley Crue number as well." Doesn't that shit sound terrible? That's real, I couldn't make shit like that up. While the description is dead on, it isn't half as bad as actually listening to the music. Click here for the BBW band's website. Gentlemen, set your phasers to 'lawsuit'.

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No major news source aside from The New Yorker has reported this, but, word is, Secretary of War, uh, I mean Defense (shit, I forgot they changed the title) Donald Rumsfeld OK'd the torture of Iraqi prisoners and even encouraged "physical coercion and sexual humiliation" through a secret program which he spearheaded. Of course Rumsfeld vehemently denies this, but come on, he should just fess up. You know he'll have to eventually. And don't worry, Rummy, your boss will still tell you that you're doing a great job, even when you both have to resign in shame.

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Okay, now for some real news. Michael Moore's controversial (only because it questions the judgment of our horrible leader) new film, Fahrenheit 9/11 premiered at the Cannes Film Festival this Monday. The film outlines the Bush dynasty's ties to Saudi oil, and even includes a segment in which Moore cruises the streets of DC asking congressmen if they would consider sending their children as soldiers to Iraq. I'm sure the response was anything but positive. The response the Cannes audience had to the film was quite the opposite though: the movie received a standing ovation for what has been reported to be anywhere from ten to twenty-five minutes. Sounds like quite a film. Moore is currently having trouble getting distribution in three countries, though. Hong Kong, Taiwan, and The United States of America!

As we previously reported, Michael Eisner of Disney blocked distribution of the film by its subsidiary, Miramax, because of certain tax breaks given to a certain cartoon mouse themed amusement park by a certain Floridian governor who is brother to a certain President of The United States of America. But I'm not pointing any fingers. If all goes well, the trouble will soon be over, and the film will be seen by the public before this year's election. The CEO's of Miramax--Bob and Harvey Weinstein--are in talks to buy the film back from Disney, and cut them out of any future profits the film may see. The production cost was a measly 6 million dollars (peanuts in movie money, Eisner uses hundreds to wipe his ass) so it should be no problem for the company. They are currently shopping around for a new distributor. It would be no surprise if Lions Gate picked it up, as Bowling for Columbine, Moore's previous film, is their highest selling DVD title.

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As a result of this whole mess, Bob and Harvey Weinstein of Miramax are rumored to be considering letting their contract with Disney go when it expires in 2005 and financing themselves as the recently departed Pixar has done. It would probably be a good idea, as it would mean less censorship of their movies. Miramax has had Disney raise problems with the amount of sex, profane language, and violence in their movies, most recently with Kill Bill Vol. 1. It always seemed like an odd choice for Disney to pick up Miramax anyway, as Miramax is usually known for the edgy content of their films. But I guess this crushes my fantasies of Tarantino doing a Bambi remake, in which Bambi takes revenge on the hunters that killed her mother, one by one. She will get bloody satisfaction!

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A subcommittee of the House of Representatives met on Wednesday for a hearing meant to change the outdated, consumer-unfriendly, ironically-named and wholly stupid, Digital Media Consumer's Rights Act. The act makes it illegal to do lots of things that in all fairness should be legal: for one, it restricts the consumer's right to make backup copies of their own DVD's, a process that the MPAA lost the fight for way back in days of old-school VHS. Head of the MPAA and Douche Everlasting, Jack Valenti, had this to say at the hearing last Wednesday, "It legalizes hacking. It allows you to make a copy or many copies. And the 1000th copy of a DVD, Mr. Chairman, is as pure and pristine as the original. You strip away all the protective clothing of that DVD and leave it naked and alone." Ohhhhh Nooooo. Why would anyone want their DVD to be copyable? Dear God, what is this world coming to? What kind of crazy world makes a company trust their customer, and *gasp* vice versa? Just fucking die already, Valenti. This is the guy that almost single-handedly tried to cut independent film out of the Oscars this year by putting a ban on the screening DVD's sent to Oscar voters. Anyway, enough about the king of dildos, the DMCA restricts new technology from being introduced onto the market or from even being developed because of fear that it will violate the law. Because we live a free, technologically-advanced country called the United States of America!

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The Bishop of the Diocese of Colorado Springs has declared that any Catholic voting for a candidate that does not follow the law of the church should not receive communion. The church has already said that Catholic politicians that support such things as abortion rights, same-sex marriage, euthanasia or stem-cell research shall not receive communion, but this is the first instance of saying that the politician you vote for should follow every tenet of Catholicism otherwise you yourself are a sinner. This probably means we'll probably have a papal, Catholic-backed candidate in 2008. I'm not sure, but doesn't that kinda violate that little thing that says church and state should be separate? Oh well, being raised Catholic, I know that most Catholics are huge hypocrites, so it really won't matter. In that case…

Austin Calvo for Papal-party candidate, 2008! Rape and pillage for Jesus!

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A couple of rival gangs in the Dallas suburb of Garland set the date and time of a street fight through a chat room. This odd case started out with the gang members exchanging insults through a chat room and ended with a couple of serious injuries, including a broken arm. The police were able to find the gang members because some of them signed into the chatroom using their real names. What fucking morons! But on the other hand, this is the future of gang warfare. So to herald this new era of cyber-violence. I'm calling you out, Jason Tate, head dickhole of Absolutepunk.net! Meet me in an AOL chat room to set a date, time and place and we'll go at it, you whiny, pop-punk loving little bitch! $BBW4EVR$ My crew is wild nice!

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The only rival for Jack Valenti's title of King of the Dildos is Star Wars magnate, George Lucas. There have been rumors of Lucas making even more changes to the DVD versions of Star Wars that are set to be released in September. Well it is confirmed that, yes, he has, but the changes are a lot more drastic than I thought. CLICK HERE for a screenshot from the Return of the Jedi DVD and then exclaim aloud, "WHAT IN THE FUCKING BLOODY GODDAMN SHIT-FUCK HELL WAS GEORGE LUCAS THINKING?". That's right, he replaced the old Anakin Skywalker with Hayden Christiansen's Anakin. The one that Luke Skywalker has never seen. The one that should only be allowed to exist in that festering mass of monkey shit that is the new 'Star Wars' trilogy. The worst part is that Lucas didn't even originally direct Jedi himself. Really, the only thing I can hope for is Lucas' early death so that he doesn't continue to mangle the original Star Wars trilogy beyond all recognition by digitally inserting Jar Jar Binks as Darth Vader's personal assistant in any and every scene featuring the "Imperial March".

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Courtney Love's father, Hank Harrison, did a Q&A to field questions about his daughter, in which he was very frank about who he believed killed Kurt Cobain, and which person was behind it (hint hint). Harrison says that the singer of punk band The Mentors -- named Il Duce -- confessed in confidence to killing Cobain. Two years later, Il Duce was hit by a train. Harrison claims that the murder was extremely sloppy. There were no fingerprints on the gun which killed Cobain, and there were two needle marks in his left arm. Cobain was left-handed. Love's father says that the amount of heroin in Kurt's body would cause an overdose in anyone, even an army mule. The fact that there wasn't any vomit near Kurt shows that the crime scene was cleaned up and is indicative of a cover-up. This is really just telling us what we already knew. The bitch killed him, one way or another, and then capitalized on his death. Frances Bean Cobain is gonna be one fucked up person. Hopefully she got her father's musical genes and not her mother's psycho ones.

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Those completely boring and ordinary dance-punk guys in Franz Ferdinand got into a fight with Eminem's bodyguard when one of the members stopped backstage at MTV Germany to get a look at the rapper's rehearsal. "I walked past a chink in the curtain and Eminem was doing his rehearsal," Said Alex Kapranos "This bouncer went 'Hey you, keep walking', or something like that. Because of the attitude he had, I said, 'Say's who?' And this 28-stone guy is like, 'Says me'. Then it was such a likely comedy moment. He came lumbering toward me like those old kind of wrestlers and we kind of collided and I thought I was going to go flying, but I just ended up being enveloped by all this flab. And then we just parted gently. Next thing, everybody round me just went nuts and I think Glen [tour manager] knocked his hat off and Nick punched him in the face and then all these like security guys came and pulled him away. It was like school or something." Don't miss Slim Shady's Franz Ferdinand diss song, "Dance Punk is the New Emo", or Franz Ferdinand's "Goofy White-Guy, Vanilla Ice Rip-Off, Rap Sucks Complete and Total Ass (D12 sucks too)."

Welcome to the Middle Ages. With news of torture, holy wars and now beheadings, Iraq has gone simply medieval, degenerating back into the 10th century. An al-Queda linked group released a video showing their decapitation of an American civilian in Iraq purportedly in revenge for America's recently revealed prison abuse. The tape shows several masked militants standing over Nick Berg, an American businessman in Iraq to help rebuild the country's infrastructure. The militants claim they had tried to exchange Berg for the prisoners in Abu Ghraib prison, where the abuse scandal occurred. They then pushed Berg to the ground and savagely hacked through his neck with a knife as he screamed. The militants held Berg's head up to the camera and proclaimed "God is great."

The video is really quite sickening, which is why most media outlets in the west are refusing to air it. Here it is, if you really want to see it. You probably don't, trust us. It's very gruesome and incredibly graphic despite being the quality of a poor webcam. The Central Intelligence Agency is currently reviewing the video for clues as to the identity of the militants. Apparently there is an 11-hour lapse between when the masked men finish their statement and push Berg down, to when they behead him. The decapitation received strong condemnation from around the world and offered a sickening reminder of just how strong hatred for America is in the Middle East.

At the very end of the video, the masked militants justified the beheading by citing the American abuses against Muslims in Abu Ghraib prison and then addressed President Bush directly, "Regarding you, Bush, Dog of the West, we are giving you good news which will displease you," he said. "Your worst days are coming, with the help of God. You and your soldiers will regret the day when your feet touched the land of Iraq and showered your bravery on shelters of Muslims."

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Donald Rumsfeld has been under heavy fire after the Iraqi prison abuse scandal broke, with several Democrats calling for his resignation. President Bush stood by his Secretary of Defense though, saying he is doing an excellent job in Iraq, in spite of you know, prison abuse, nightly insurgent attacks, false premises, scandal, murder, beheadings and no workable government to hand over power to next month. Vice President Dick Cheney praised Rumsfeld as "the best Secretary of Defense the United States has ever had," conveniently ignoring every single other Secretary of Defense the United States has ever had, including himself. The president, vice president and defense secretary appeared at a press conference to confirm that Rumsfeld will in fact be keeping his job, marking the first time the three have ever appeared in a room simultaneously in front of the public, definitively proving that they are not actually the same person. Rumors had long circulated that they may have all secretly been the alter-egos of the diabolical Lex Luther, enemy of both justice and Superman.

This is all in spite of the fact that Rumsfeld has said he accepts complete responsibility for the abuses in Iraq, which he means he faces any consequences from it ... only Bush is saying there are no consequences, and Rumsfeld has tried to deflect responsibility by blaming the reports who aired the leaked photos in the press, condemning them as irresponsible and opportunist ... totally forgetting that it is the fucking job of a free press in democratic society. Apparently the officials within the administration knew of the abuse since at least January and did nothing. Members of congress only found out about the scandal by watching their televisions when it was leaked to "60 Minutes II". Rumsfeld has also said that there are even more damaging photos and videos that are classified at the Pentagon and may never see the light of day. Additionally, news of further abuses in other US-run prisons in Iraq and Afghanistan are surfacing but remain unconfirmed and uninvestigated at this time.

As much as we freedom-loving and intelligent people of the western world hate Rumsfeld, let's hope he keeps his job. You heard me. I want the heart of darkness to stay in the White House for the time being. It seems that Bush is just too goddamned stupid to realize that by keeping Rumsfeld in charge of the military, he implicates the entire administration. By firing him, you lay more of the blame and punishment on him personally. One good thing that may come out of the entire prison abuse story is that it may be the final scandal to sink the Bush administration. So far it has miraculously weathered every single other story revealing cover-ups, lies and misuses of power. Bush has sunk in the polls, finally coming even with Kerry as his approval rating slipped, especially his handling of Iraq, his main campaign issue so far.

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Famous Jamaican music producer Clement "Sir Coxsone" Dodd died Thursday, May 6th at the age of 72 from a heart attack. Dodd opened the infamous Studio One in 1963, Jamaica's first black-owned music production studio. As he a result, he was instrumental in the creation of Ska, Rocksteady, Reggae and Dub. The Skatalites were his resident house band and Dodd is creditted with launching the careers of many of Jamaicans biggest groups, including Bob Marley and the Wailers, the only one that readers of this website will probably recognize because they are all cultureless and ignorant American swine.

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MTV2 announced today that it is giving a TV show to notorious cokehound and habitual wifebeater Andrew WK. If you're thinking to yourself, "Totally gnarly dude!!" then you're not alone, Andrew is like totally right there with you man, "It's amazing to actually have a television show! YES!!!" He followed that up by smashing a beercan on his forehead, giving high fives all around and setting one of his farts on fire. The show will be called "Your Friend, Andrew WK" and, as impossible as it sounds, will actually be an advice show... You read that right, an advice show with Andrew WK, in which he will, and I quote, 'dispense advice, wit, and wisdom' along with music videos featuring totally slammin' guitar solos and bodaciously big-breasted babes. In his own words, "people can write to me and I get to go and visit them at their houses and hang out and try to answer their questions!" Fucking dude-ical bro!

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The Unicorns are getting ready to capitalize on their newfound indie celebrity (which really isn't celebrity at all if you think about it) by releasing a new EP entitled The Unicorns: 2014, a stark and terrifying journey into the future world that will exist in 10 years time. The CD-EP will feature their recent 7" single of the same name, along with two brand new tracks of goofy pop weirdness. Here's the tracklist, and yeah we know that two of them have the same name and the other two rhyme:
1. The Unicorns: 2014
2. Emasculate The Masculine
3. Evacuate The Vacuous
4. The Unicorns: 2014

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The US Justice Department has reopened the case of Emmett Till, who's gruesome murder in 1955 helped spark the civil rights movement. Till was a 14 year old African-American from Chicago who was visiting family in Mississippi when he was abducted and murdered on August 28 1955, after supposedly whistling at a white woman named Carolyn Bryant. His body was pulled from the Tallahatchie river with a bullet in the skull, an eye gouged out and one side of his forehead crushed. Bryant's husband Roy and his half brother JW Milan were accused of his murder but were naturally acquitted by the Southern justice of an all-white jury. But Milam later confessed that he had beaten Till, shot him in the head with a .45-calibre pistol, then tied a heavy metal fan to the body and dumped it in the river.

He told a reporter: "I'm no bully; I never hurt a nigger in my life. But I just decided it was time a few people got put on notice. 'Chicago boy,' I said, 'I'm tired of them sending your kind down here to stir up trouble, I'm going to make an example of you, just so everybody can know how me and my folks stand.'" Till's mother decided to give her son an open casket funeral in Chicago to display the brutality of racism and segregation. Thousands showed up for the funeral and the pictures made several magazines. Rosa Parks has said that the Till murder was one of her primary inspirations when she refused to give up her bus seat to a white man and sparked the Montgomery Bus Boycott and the career of Martin Luther King, Jr. in December, 1955.

The Justice Department did not comment on their decision to reopen the case but it is suspected their were new witnesses who did testify at the first trial, including Till's cousin who shared his bed the night he was abducted. Additionally their may be new suspects and more people involved than initially thought.

As some of you may have heard, our new state of Puritanism and "self"-censorship in entertainment has taken a step towards the abyss of total government control of all media outlets, a la totalitarianism. Forgive me if the previous statement sounds a bit paranoid, but, Fahrenheit 9/11, Michael Moore's follow-up to his Oscar-winning documentary, Bowling for Columbine, was blocked by Disney (who owns his distribution company, Miramax) because of its strong anti-Bush content. Michael Eisner, CEO of Disney, contacted Moore in May of 2003 and ordered the production be cancelled, after filming had started. But for whatever reason, the Disney money kept flowing into the project via Miramax. Until last week, that is. Eisner has stated that he doesn't want Disney to distribute the film because of many different reasons, all of which were shot down by Moore today in his official newsletter. Here are his answers to all of the bullshit that has come out of Eisner's mouth.

Eisner: Michael Moore has known for a year that we will not distribute this movie, so this is not news."

Moore: Yes, that is what I thought, too, except Disney kept sending us all that money to make the movie. Miramax said there was no problem. I got the idea that everything was fine.

Eisner: It is not in the best interests of our company to distribute a partisan political film that may offend some of our customers.

Moore: Hmmm. Disney doesn't distribute work that has partisan politics? Disney distributes and syndicates the Sean Hannity radio show every day? I get to listen to Rush Limbaugh every day on Disney-owned WABC. I also seem to remember that Disney distributed a very partisan political movie during a Congressional election year, 1998-a film called The Big One... by, um... ME!

Eisner: Fahrenheit 9/11 is not the Disney brand; we put out family oriented films.

Moore: So true. That's why the #1 Disney film in theaters right now is a film called, KILL BILL, VOL. 2. This excellent Miramax film, along with other classics like Pulp Fiction, have all been distributed by Disney. That's why Miramax exists -- to provide an ALTERNATIVE to the usual Disney fare. And, unless they were NC-17, Disney has distributed them.

Eisner: Mr. Moore is doing this as a publicity stunt.

Moore: Let me tell you something: NO filmmaker wants to go through this kind of controversy. It does NOT sell tickets (I can cite many examples of movies who have had to change distributors at the last minute and all have failed). I made this movie so people could see it as soon as possible. This is a huge and unwanted distraction. I want people discussing the issues raised in my film, not some inside Hollywood fracas surrounding who is going to ship the prints to the theaters. Plus, I think it is fairly safe to say that Fahrenheit 9/11 has a good chance of doing just fine, considering that my last movie set a box office record and the subject matter (Bush, the War on Terror, the War in Iraq) is at the forefront of most people's minds.

Well fought, Mike. Now, Disney's contract with Miramax forbids them the right to refuse to distribute a film unless it is rated NC-17. Moore has said that the project will likely carry a PG-13 or R rating. The whole affair smacks of censorship, and Moore claims that Eisner has said he doesn't want to anger Jeb Bush, the governor of Florida because it may complicate current and future Disney projects in the state (Mainly the Disneyland theme park). Multi-million dollar tax breaks and incentives are at stake also. So, the way I see it -- and this is just speculation -- is that Bush is pulling a few strings to try and get this delayed until after the election year. But he may have some trouble, Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-N.J.) sent a letter to the Chairman of the Senate Commerce Committee, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) requesting a congressional hearing to investigate Disney's motives for pulling the film. So I'm guessing Sen. Lautenberg has the same idea I have. Moore has said that he will get the film out to the people any way he can, even if he has to travel from city to city and show it in parks. As fun and intimate as that sounds, I doubt that he will have to resort to such drastic and desperate measures.

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Daniel Martin-McCormick and Jacob Long from Black Eyes have a new band. It's called White Flight, just in case you were wondering. They are currently playing shows around the DC area and have two cassingles for sale for 3 bucks, featuring improvised sax, trumpet, guitar, drums, vocalizing and electronics all recorded on 1 track in somebody's bedroom. No word on whether future projects will be color coded or not. More information can be found here. Check 'em out and let us know, Doug.

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Nine Inch Nails is releasing a new album entitled Bleed Through. Following it will be the obligatory, shitty remix record.

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Speaking of bands that were once good, System of A Down is almost done recording their as of yet untitled follow up to the flop, Steal This Record. We'll see if they can pull off another Toxicity, an album loved by jocks, metal fans (pretty much the same thing), music geeks, political activists, and radio listeners alike.

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Speaking of idiots, apparently some stupid-ass frat-fucks showed up to a hip-hop party in blackface costumes. Is this not one of the stupidest things you've ever heard? These guys were lucky to leave with their lives, but their Frat lost their charter as a result. These jackasses obviously never saw Spike Lee's film Bamboozled, or my own documentary on the issue, Austin in Greasepaint. Blackface is hurtful, man.

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Warner Music Group is lowering the suggested retail price of their albums from $18.98 to between $9.98 and $13.38. Woo! I'm still gonna download!

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In other news, I haven't been sued for pirating music yet. Fucking nobody has.

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A coroner's report was released that shows that Phil Spector did not shoot the actress found dead in his home. Apparently she pulled the trigger herself as test found gunshot residue on her hands, and she was shot in the mouth. Spector, however, will still be tried for the murder. For those of you who don't remember, that crazy bastard beat the hell out of her until all of her teeth fell out of her head, dragged her downstairs and made her sit in the chair in which she shot herself. Yeah, I think it still constitutes murder.

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Lollapalooza is shaping up to be pretty good this year, suprisingly. The revamped '90s alternafestival will feature Morrissey, Sonic Youth, Le Tigre, Modest Mouse, The String Cheese Incident, The Flaming Lips, and now even Wilco have signed on. Be there or be a fucking moron in huge JNCO jeans with an eyebrow piercing.

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In other tour news, The Cure will be touring with two bands that try desperately to steal their sound, The Rapture and Interpol. Sorry, but I don't know if this will be worth the 50 bucks that it would probably cost me.

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Andre 3000 of Outkast is currently producing a pilot for a cartoon that could potentially be added to Cartoon Network's late night programming block, "Adult Swim". The new cartoon will reportedly feature new music from Dre and will be akin to other musically oriented animation like The Beatles' Yellow Submarine, proving that Andre 3000 will be as inescapable in 2004 as Michael Jackson was in 1984. Weird uniforms and everything too! It remains to be seen whether it is possible to moonwalk to "Hey Ya" or not.

Nintendo revealed its new portable gaming console the Nintendo DS -– short for dual-screen –- at E3 -– short for Electronic Entertainment Expo -– in L.A. -– short for Los Angeles -– yesterday, sending a resounding bitch slap across all their competitor's faces. With its bluetooth technology, Wi-Fi capabilities, touch screen, backward compatibility with GameBoy Advanced games, and N64 quality graphics all at an estimated $150 –- well Sony, you got SERVED! Not to be outdone, Sony revealed its new portable gaming console the PSP– short for Play Station Portable – which has Wi-Fi capabilities, a big ass fucking screen, near-PS2 quality graphics and USB connectivity. It's games will come in a tiny-ass universal media disc with a capacity of 1.8 gigabites. Oh and it can play mp3s and videos too. Nintendo -- you got served BACK! So its on then? Oh, its on. Check em out: PSP, DS.

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The first Russian museum of erotica is showing off Rasputin's gigantic, jarred, misshapen penis. The museum -- always envious of Napoleon Bonaparte's world-conquering cock being in the hands of American urologists -- is now filled with pride because of the size difference. Napoleon's looks like a tiny one inch prune while Rasputin's is a mammoth 12 inches. Please take away alllll the historical implications his tiny cock might bring up, that doesn't mean Napoleon wasn't a better person! I mean it wasn't preserved well at all! You cant blame him! Its not his fucking fault! Although, he did seem to be compensating for something.

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The wave of Russian rappers is about to hit big in the states. And by wave I mean one person. And by hit big I mean become a internet superstar. Because rapping makes Ill Mitch happy. Look out for this superstar when he finally makes his big break.