12/06/04
 

Due to my untimely death, Bornbackwards.com will be on hiatus throughout December. Funeral plans will be announced shortly. I expect god with a lowercase g to resurrect me by early January so I can continuing doing his holy work--DIY music journalism. To all our writers while I'm dead: please write something already. To all our readers: fear not, I have no fear that I will walk the earth again shortly. In the meantime if you ever thought you'd like to write for BBW, send some samples here.

We'll be back in early January shortly followed by our annual 'Best Of' year-end lists for albums and movies. Sure to be a doozy. In the meantime, try not to rebound with those other trashier webzines we've seen you hanging around with.
 
   

11/24/04
by adam
 

You want some news? Here's some fucking news.
Just in time for the 41st anniversary of the assassination of John F. Kennedy, Traffic Games released a video game entitled "JFK Reloaded." The object of the game is to recreate the assassination of Kennedy and you get points based on how close you come to recreating the actual shots that killed the former president. Needless to say, the Kennedy family is fucking pissed. In their defense, Traffic Games is saying they are trying to debunk the theory that there was another gunman.

Though it is obviously a sick game that no one should download for the low, low price of $9.99, there is an interesting side-quest in which you try to see how accurately you can fuck Marilyn Monroe, JFK style. You get points based on how precisely you aim your cumshot.
So there I was, about to start pumping some iron in my weightlifting class, when I hear over the radio and advertisement for FOX's hit show, The Swan. In this advertisement, the announcer says something about how one of the contestants might not be able to go on after she hears news that changes her life, and then a sound byte plays of a doctor diagnosing the poor woman with cancer. CANCER! I can't even think of a fucking joke for this, it just blows my mind. Stay tuned for FOX's hot spring line up, starting with Watch as This Baby Slowly Dies Because These Television Lights are Burning Her Skin and Also We Refuse To Feed Her!!!! followed by the soon to be smash hit AIDS: Not Just for the Gays Anymore!
 

I miss Three Reasons more than ever these days.
A bunch of NBA players got suspended because they punched some people. They still have millions of dollars. They still have their jobs next year. They still fucking rule for letting me watch them wail on fat, drunk sports fans. In front of the Senate Commerce Committee's Science, Technology and Space Subcommittee, witnesses explained the negative effects of internet pornography. An expert calls it the "most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today." This expert also had the bright idea of fighting the fierce force of internet pornography by placing advertisements on buses that tell everyone that sex with children is not OK, because, you know, every single person that downloads porn also keeps a 6 year old sex slave in their closet. WRONG! If they had a 6 year old sex slave, why the fuck would they need the internet?

GOD I HATE REPUBLICANS.
Bornbackwards.com will be on hiatus over the thanksgiving week. We will return December 1st with news and reviews.
  
   

11/22/04
 

Dear lovely female readers of Bornbackwards,

Hey baby, how you doing? Feeling sexxxy? Yeah, tell papa all about it babydoll. Mmmm, yeah baby, yeah. I tell you what, daddy knows how much you always wanted to get knocked up and have an abortion. You better do it now sugar, cause them snake-fucking bastards in the Congress are getting ready to take that most sexxxy of rights away from you. Ooh baby, I feel your pain, but check it out: there's already a ban on abortions for all women in the military.

A hot servicelady whose big baby belly wasn't produced by rape or incest, or whose life is not in danger, is prohibited from getting that baby sucked out at U.S. military health facilities, even if she pays for the procedure with her own money or her health is in jeopardy. I know, I know sweet-tits, that's totally unsexy, it's killing my heat. Women in the United States have the right to access safe and legal abortion but a woman serving in the United States military, or the female spouse or dependant of a service member, have this right taken away and cannot exercise it in U.S. military medical facilities either domestically or abroad.

And check out it honey, even more bad news: emboldened by their electoral victory, Republicans in Congress have attached an anti-abortion clause into a totally unrelated spending bill, before the new Congressmen have even arrived! I know shows of power get you all steamed up babydoll, but if you ever wanted to get that abortion you been dreaming about, you better do it now. And I know just the guy to knock you up. Mmm yeah, sexy thang.

With Love, Bornbackwards.com
Speaking of Republicans flexing their new imaginary power to the detriment of the US citizenry, rebellious House Republican leaders have blocked a bill that would have enacted the major recommendations of the September 11th Commission. Despite bipartisan support, unanimous Republican backing in the Senate, personal pleas from both President Bush and Vice-president Cheney, and the very safety and security of our nation, the bill was defeated and may never pass.

The bill would have created the cabinet-level post of national intelligence director. This also means that it would have diverted a lot of money and authority away from the direct control of the Pentagon, who of course was not pleased and felt obliged to call in favors from a few of the less savory elements of the Republican party in the House of Representatives.

When the terrorists attack this country again, and they will, my body will be torn asunder in a flaming explosion of mammoth proportions. When I am utterly obliterated, please send a wreath with my name on it to Representative F. James Sensenbrenner Jr. of Wisconsin. That is, if you're still alive and not amongst the uncountable flaming corpses with me. If you're dead too then we can totally be ghost-best-friends and haunt that motherfucker for all eternity. Ghost-best-friend high-five!
Save $3.99 on an anal massage at Target, right now! This offer will not last long, void in Guam! Don't say BBW never gave you nothing.
Ever thought about cooking up some eggs benedict and laying a thick load of semen right on top? Well then you're a sick fucker who doesn't deserve to live a second longer. May a coalition of Allah, Jesus, Buddha and Fatty Arbuckle strike you dead where you stand! If that doesn't happen though you may want to check out Cookingwithcum.com. Yes, Cookingwithcum.com.
I been saying it for years, fuck the south.
 

If Superman has taught us anything it's that there is a bizzaro universe where each and every one of us is mirrored by our polar opposite bizzaro-self. For Superman, it was a white-faced dude who can barely form coherent sentences and goes around hurting people instead of saving them while saying 'bizzaro' an awful lot. For Quinn on Sealab 2021, it was a half-duck man who destroyed things and claimed "I'm helping, bizzaro, I'm helping."

Well Bornbackwards has finally found its own bizzaro: Black Dawn News. Instead of a snazzy yellow layout, they have an ugly red one. Instead of a hardcore leftist bias, they support the Republicans in everything they do, especially eating kittens and gloating over a 'mandate' that saw the country divided nearly evenly and was almost lost by a single state. They even have a goddamned MP3 of the week, but true to their origins in the bizzaro universe it's a song by fucking Monster Magnet or some other fecal-draped poo bandits. Instead of the sophisticated and knowledgeable music taste of your friends at BBW, Black Dawn's number one rock album of all time is Trapt, followed closely by Sevendust. Nevermind the fucking Beatles or the Clash or anything! Trapt totally rules, and as Black Dawn says, "if you don't buy them, you're a moron! Bizzaro!" They even have the audacity to claim that we may have stolen a news story from them! I tell you, only in the Bizzaro World would someone believe that kind of retarded shit. Why would we steal from Black Dawn when we have plenty of news to steal off CNN, Pitchfork and the New York Times?
Vines frontman Craig Nicholls has been diagnosed with a form of autism. This explains so fucking much you wouldn't believe it.
TV on the Radio has won this year's Shortlist Prize, a competition to pick the best new music of 2004. The band beat out such heavy contenders as Dizzee Rascal, Franz Ferdinand, and Wilco for the $10,000 prize. This cements the fact that TV on the Radio rule the world, and if you don't agree we've got several Shortlist panelists ready to put you back in your place: 3D Del Naja of Massive Attack, Robert Smith, Norah Jones, Perry Farrell and fucking John Mayer. EVEN JOHN MAYER LIKES TV ON THE RADIO!
Speaking of which, rapper Kanye West has said that he may collaborate with John Mayer on his next record. Details are slim, but Kanye is said to admire Mayer's knack with lyrics. Mayer returned the compliment by stating that Kanye's body was 'like a wonderland'. Mayer himself has said that their recording session was 'ridiculous' and for once, we're willing to take him at his word. This unholy meeting of souls is predicted to spawn a mewling fetus of unequaled evil upon a world that is only just recovering from the scourge of Ashlee Simpson. Can humanity survive this latest threat? Tune in to MTV this spring for the thrilling conclusion!
Speaking of Ashlee Simpson sucking:
Rhino records in conjunction with H.O.P.E. (Horrified Observers of Pedestrian Entertainment), are conducting a CD exchange in New York City and Los Angeles. Initially limited to Ashlee Simpson CDs, the exchange is now accepting albums by Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Nick Lachay, Jessica Simpson, Creed, Paris Hilton, Limp Bizkit, and any boy bands. Surprisingly, Rhino is actually offering some really great music in return for your terrible taste: Elvis Costello, The Ramones, X, Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, Aretha Franklin, Ray Charles, Joni Mitchell, Brian Wilson and more.

When the news of the exchange was delivered to Ashlee Simpson, she quickly began lip-syncing and dancing the electric bugaloo. Then she got a nose-job and died in a puddle of her own vomit.
Jesse is an expert in the art of twisting his body into a pretzel so as to suck his own dick. He highly recommends this book for anyone that wants think about challenging him to a suck off. He calls his personal technique the 'self-suck'. It's devistating.
 
   

11/17/04
by walt
 

In the recent storm of resignations in the Bush cabinet, Secretary of State Colin Powell stepped down from his position. In a not-so-surprising move, President Bush nominated Condoleezza Rice to take his position. Whereas this would be a monumental event, since Condoleezza would be the first female African American to have the job, many believe this to actually be the pay-off for when she took the brunt of the blame for the mishandling of information leading up to 9/11. And you thought she'd just get a bonus and a plaque.

I wonder who's going to get her old position, Ken Lay or a Clear Channel exec? Either way, it's clear that if you're one of the five African-American in the Republican Party then you're going right to the top posts, no questions asked. Unless you're Alan Keyes. Nobody likes him.
A former FBI stool pigeon recently set himself on fire in a suicide attempt in front of the White House. He was facing charges for supposedly aiding a terrorist group. This comes as a surprise to many, because the U.S. has never funded someone who turned into a terrorist...

But seriously folks, many have been drawing comparisons to the monks who set themselves on fire in Vietnam years ago in protest, which was immortalized on the cover of Rage Against the Machine's first album (which was a blatant rip off of the first Dead Kennedys album cover, I might add).

Unfortunately, this fire was not in protest of Audioslave. But there's gotta be one coming.
We already reported on Ol' Dirty Batard's death, but I felt that more needed to be said. Sure, it's easy to beat up on the guy. Yeah, he did alot of things that weren't great. But, ODB was more than a petty fellon. Come on, the man took a limo to cash a wellfare check. Even Bill O'Reilly would say that's cool. And think about this: how many times have you ignored a person in trouble? ODB once ran from a studio to lift a car so a 4 year old girl could get out from under it, thus saving the kid's life. If John Kerry's a hero for lifting a grown man out of a river, I'd say ODB's a hero too. I think he put it best at the Grammy's, "When it comes to the children, Wu-Tang is for the children. Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is the best."

R.I.P. O.D.B.
 

Dr. Dre was punched in the nose at the Vibe Awards while waiting to receive a lifetime achievement award. Chris Tucker was heard yelling "Damn! You got knocked the FUCK out!"

In typical Dr. Dre fashion, the man was later stabbed by a member of Dre's entourage. A warrant has been issued for the arrest of G-Unit rapper Young Buck in connection with the stabbing. Hey, Dre doesn't even write his own rhymes, do you expect him to do his own stabbing? Come on Dre, don't be a punk. Just punch the guy back next time.

Obviously the guy didn't know that "when you diss Dre you diss yourself, MOTHERFUCKER Yeah nigga..."
In yet another award show catastrophe, Michelle of Destiny's Child took a fall while walking out for a performance at the very same Vibe Awards where some foo' got stabbed. What made the moment especially funny was when the other two members didn't even attempt to help her up. In fact, they just gave her a bitchy look. Way to stay humble, gals. I suppose the group will be a duo the next time we see them. Moral of the story: don't stand in Beyonce's way.
Anna Nicole Smith was totally wasted the other night at the American Music Awards. Oh wait, that's not news, it's pretty much every night.
Here at BBW, we get alot of emails from bands, record labels, and promotion companies, attempting to get us to listen to whatever crap they're peddling. Recently I had the distinct pleasure of reading an email from U2's people saying that their new album will be their best yet (meaning it will only really suck, instead of really really suck, or totally blow). Bono remained "humble" in an interview with another magazine by saying, "Without sounding totally phony, I think this might be our second best -- if not our best --album. It's up there with Achtung [Baby]. It had to be. You can't live like this and put out a crap album or else people are going to want to shoot you." Yeah real humble. Him and Beyonce should have a cat-fight to the death.

I guess he finally saw the "Kill Bono" shirts that SST Records has been printing since the late 80's (and they still do, so you can get your very own!).
In other U2 News, many fans (they still have those?) are upset with the band for doing iPod commercials. Apparently this is the first time the band has directly whored themselves out for money. Their fans obviously expect Bono to spend his every waking moment trying to save the African continent, but he's gotta pay for the booze somehow, I guess. I don't know what everyone is so upset about, at least they're being honest with us now.
 
   

11/15/04
 

Rapper extraordinaire Ol' Dirty Bastard died on Saturday at the age of 35. The rapper collapsed and died suddenly in a Manhattan recording studio. Earlier in the day he had been complaining of chest pains. Official cause of death is unknown but rumor has it that Dirty died of a broken heart. He was supposed to perform with the Wu-Tang Clan in New Jersey that night but did not show up because he was 'just too sad'. The rest of the Clan is hot in pursuit of the cold-hearted bitch who so carelessly played with ODB's emotions. Dirty was just two days shy of his 36th birthday, proving either a) whoever broke his heart is a truly ruthless cunt, or b) God took offense when Ol' Dirty Bastard briefly changed his name to Big Baby Jesus.

Rest in peace Ol' Dirty, you truly were 'for the children'. Say hi to Rick James and Gandhi for us.
Ever wanted to see Star Trek: Voyager characters in an erotic fan-fiction? How about photoshopped with huge boobs? Then you are the second saddest man on earth, right behind the guy who actually made this.
According to an article by the New York Times, Wal-Mart has over 460 terabytes of data about its customers and their purchasing habits. To put that in perspective, the Internet has less than half as much data, according to experts. For additional perspective, your stalker ex-boyfriend who pastes your head onto pictures of naked women and masturbates to it has only about 5 megabytes worth of data on you. However, restraining orders can not be sought against corporate retail giants. As if.

"People don't know that Wal-Mart is capturing information about who they are and what they bought, but they are also capable of capturing a huge amount of outside information about them that has nothing to do with their grocery purchases," said Katherine Albright, the founder and director of Caspian, a consumer advocacy group concerned with privacy issues. "They can find out your mortgage amounts, your court dates, your driving record, your creditworthiness." Wal-Mart has also been known to sit in its car outside your house at night until it sees all your lights turn out. Wal-Mart knows you're cheating on him, and he's going to fucking kill you, bitch.
Obviously impressed by the commercial viability of the dance-punk revival, Gang of Four, the originators of the genre, have decided its time to step up and mount another reunion. The original quartet of Andy Gill, Jon King, Dave Allen, and Hugo Burnham have announced a UK tour in January, marking the first time the four have performed together since 1981. That's longer than I have been alive. ALIVE! Hopefully this means that the band will only be performing songs from their first two amazing albums, 1979's Entertainment! and 1981's Solid Gold, and will be totally ignoring songs from their unending string of awful Disco-Wave album in the rest of the '80s.

The recent Pixies and Mission of Burma reunions give some hope that Gang of Four can accomplish the feat of reunion without tarnishing their impressive legacy (though the tarnishing probably already happened with every album after Solid Gold). The Sex Pistols reunions on the other hand, strike terror in my heart.

What is incredibly ironic is that in their original incarnation Gang of Four were die-hard Marxists, and even their funkiest, most-danceable songs were critiques of capitalist culture and the escapism of pop music. Hell, even their band name comes from China's Cultural Revolution and Mao Zedong's wife. So by engaging in a reunion tour -- a soft-focus nostalgia trip for those with the money to pay -- will Gang of Four by critiquing themselves when their sing their own lyrics, like "Not Great Men"? These and other paradoxes, sure to be answered this January in the slam-bam triple round Gang of Four reunion! Don't miss it!
 
 

11/15/04
 

Randy: Hey, Rusty! You hear 'bout that little sweet piece of pumpkin pie Conor Oberst?

Rusty: Naw, can't say I have. Is that guy still 'round? I haven't heard much from him other than whinin' about Clear Channel or somethin'.

Randy: I heard that sensitive cornfed-ass boy's Bright Eyes project's got two new records coming out at the same time next year.

Rusty: Just like Nelly! No foolin'! Shit sure does attract a lot of flies, if you catch my drift.

Randy: I hear ya. Well, Bright Eyes' two new singles, "Lua" and "Take It Easy (Love Nothing)" beat out all them purty pop stars and debuted on the #1 and #2 spots on them fancy Billboard charts! He even beat yer beloved Nelly and Eminem for that top spot, knocking Usher and Alicia Keys down a few pegs!

Rusty: Ha! Like a hurricane coming out of a llama's anus!

Randy: Like a pinecone comin' out the back of a New York Stock Broker's enigma!

Rusty: So if Bright Eyes is topping the charts, does that mean we live in the end times?

Randy: Indubitably!

Rusty: Want to go into the trailer and watch that Godard picture-film?

Randy: Sure thing!
 
 

11/10/04
by jesse
 

Last week sucked. The Eagles sucked this Sunday. Monday's news sucked. My 7th grade school picture sucked. So in light of all this sucking, I promise to make this update full of nothing but happiness. Each and every story you're about to read will hopefully put a smile upon your face, helping you forget about all the suck in your life. So here goes nothing…
Yay for Tara Reid! She's the latest "Nip Slip" flavor of the week thanks to an ill-tailored gown and a lack of bodily sensation. Now why would Tara lack such sensation? Implants! Well, those and the accompanying prescription of painkillers she undoubtedly mixed with plenty of alcohol. But hey, she's looking pretty good if you ask me. Please, please ask me
Trent Reznor has announced (via the interweb) that Nine Inch Nails' forthcoming album will be further delayed till March 2005. Thanks for brightening my day, Trent - the longer you guys take, the better.
R. Kelly is suing Jay-Z for $75M (for those of you in the red states that stands for 75 million dollars) after being fired from the "Best of Both Worlds" tour he was headlining with Hova. Reports of animosity between the two stars have been circulating ever since the tour kicked off, and recent indications of R. Kelly being a 'little bitch' made it pretty clear that someone was gonna have to give. The tour's promoter decided that the someone would be Kelly. The happiness in this story may not be immediately apparent, so just picture R. Kelly getting laughed out of court like he was laughed offstage during the tour. Oh, and if that doesn't work, just go here. Remember~ He pees on babies!
Wes Anderson's new creation, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, will be hitting theaters in less than 2 months. For those of you without a life, Wes Anderson is the genius behind such films as Bottle Rocket, The Royal Tenenbaums and, my personal favorite, Rushmore. Due out this Christmas, The Life Aquatic features perennial favorites Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, Angelica Huston, Willem Defoe, Cate Blanchett and Jeff Goldblum. I know where I'm heading after ripping through my presents under the tree this year. Do yourself a favor and check out the trailer.
 

Attorney General John Ashcroft and Commerce Secretary Don Evans officially resigned from their Cabinet positions yesterday. YESSSSS!!! Ashcroft told President Bush in a 5-page, handwritten letter that "the Department of Justice would be well served by new leadership and fresh inspiration." He was loved by many conservatives, but he also took considerable flak for his domestic handling of the war against terrorism, especially with regards to detention of terror suspects and raping of cows. Don Evans, one of President Bush's longtime friends from Texas, cited a strong desire to return home as reason for his departure. This news offers a new day of shimmering hope for the future of this country's economy and justice department. Likewise, cows are expected to enter a golden age free from the threat of Ashcroft rape.
Puppies! For those of you that love puppies but not enough to take on the responsibility of caring for them, I've found the perfect solution for you. No bathing, no feeding, no walking, no cleaning up feces - just good old-fashioned virtual fun with the Nintendogs.
Condoms are fun. They come in all sorts of colors and flavors. Got a hankerin' for some curry? Look no further than my crotch. Speaking of curry, our Indian friends have found exciting new ways to utilize condoms. Be it fashion, waterproofing roofs, polishing saris, reinforcing roads or protecting tank barrels against dust, Indians can (and will) use condoms to get the job done. In fact, they'll use condoms for everything except controlling the spread of HIV and preventing pregnancy. Just look at this sweet fucking condom hat!


 
   

11/08/04
 

Ladies and gentlemen … From the country that brought you Sport Utility Vehicles, mega-triple bacon double cheeseburgers, nuclear weapons and slavery comes … THE SECOND GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENCY!! Now with more 20% more war! That's right folks, you'll never believe how quickly GW2™ removes pesky civil-liberties stains or how it eliminates all restraints on big business! If only it could clean up the environment it would be the perfect product folks! But I kid, I kid, you've got to try this GW2™, made with a secret blend of oil and spices, it's even strong enough to scrub those pesky homos clean! No marriage for you! A majority of people who drive trucks and have never seen the ocean (or a black person) agree that GW2™ will fix YOUR country in a snap.
Yes folks, unless you're dead or have expatriated to New Zealand you should know that George W. Bush will continue to be the President of the United States of America for the next eternity … or until Christ's inevitable return, at which point ol' George will be raptured up to heaven and Dick Cheney will 'officially' take over. Get it? Dick Cheney's not going to heaven because he's pure fucking evil.

Despite the fact that a majority of Americans believe that the country is heading in the wrong direction -- and that GW is doing a terrible job with the economy and the war in Iraq -- he'll be manning the decks for another four years (or longer, mwhahahaha) because two dudes "gettin' touchy" other is far more important than the declining power of America and dismal fate of the world. George W. Bush thinks that gay people are 'kinda faggy' and he's glad you agree with him, Middle America!

Now to show his gratitude he's giving your job to an Indian engineer named Rasheeb in Delhi. The politics of fear and intimidation … aw fuck it. I can't make any more jokes about this shit. I'll be hiding under the covers, let me know when it's time to weep … as a nation.
Can we abolish the electoral college already? Worst idea since monotheism.
Hungary announced Wednesday that it would withdraw its 300 troops from Iraq, becoming the latest country in the US-led coalition to bow out. Hungary is joining an exclusive 'Coalition of the Formerly Willing' that includes Spain's Socialist government (1,300 troops), The Dominican Republic (302 soldiers), Nicaragua (115), Honduras (370), The Philippines (51), and Norway (155). Now these troops numbers are measly, but the international support they represent is not.

The two biggest coalition members besides America, Britain with 12,000 troops and Italy with 3,100, have insisted they will not withdraw. But Poland, the fourth-largest member with 2,400 troops is leaving at the end of the week. Just like your cheating girlfriend. So will the Netherlands (1,400), New Zealand (not even any troops, but 60 engineers [?!]), Thailand (450) and others like Singapore and Moldova.

Dude, even Moldova, the leader of the international community is pulling out of Iraq. Without Moldavia we are doomed!
I blame the terminally under-funded American educational system. HOW FUCKING IRONIC!
So are we changing out national motto from 'E Pluribus Unum' to 'God hates fags?' Nice choice America, that was a good one.


  

Although it hasn't yet been picked up by the mainstream news media, the blogosphere is abuzz with reports and rumors of wide-spread and recurring glitches in e-voting machines. Some people are even suspecting massive voter fraud. By the way, if you invented the 'word' blogosphere, there's a man sitting in the building across from you with a bead on your cranium. I'm going to owe him $2,000 iin about two minutes. Your life is cheap, asshole.

Anyways. Voters in Palm Beach County, Florida, reported that when they went to vote, some races on their electronic ballots were already pre-marked before they started voting. In Texas, voters who voted a straight-party ticket found that the machine had picked some candidates from the opposite party. Now I'm not saying I believe this out of hand, I sort of suspected someone would think the election was stolen no matter what happened. But then there's this. And then there's this, which shows the percentage change of actual votes over what was expected in Florida counties.

Notice that in counties using E-touch voting, the highest percentage change for either side is 51%, and most are much, much lower than that. In counties using optical scanners though, the percentage changes for the Republicans are huge, topping 700 fucking percent in Liberty county, and the change for the Democrats is regularly in the negatives. In states with paper voting, the results generally matched the exit polling, but in states with electronic voting the results were highly predictable. Exit polling in Florida showed Bush with a possible 5,000 vote deficit- he won by 350,000. The same for nearly every state without a paper trail.

Man, this is getting weirder than the two-dollar tooth-less quadriplegic hooker I got last week. And that was so strange and unfathomable I longer think of myself as the same man. Toothless blowjobs will rape your very soul.

Speaking of raping dignity, an error with an electronic voting system gave President Bush 3,893 extra votes in a suburban Ohio precinct where only 638 total votes were cast. And then you find out that the majority of optical scanners in Florida, and a lot of electronic voting equipment nationwide was made by Diebold. And somewhere you find this really fucked up and suspicious quote … where is it, hmm … oh, right here: "We are committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to President Bush this year" - Diebold President, in an August 14th Republican fundraising letter.

Something's fishy and it's not my breath -- that smells like mothballs.
We're now officially more like the Iranians than we are the Europeans. GO AMERICA!
As one of the first acts of his second term, Bush is asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling for the federal government, because apparently we're only a few weeks away from being totally bankrupt. I've got seven kids to support. Oh, and now he wants to cut taxes … again! God damn it George, did you fail algebra or what?
As if things weren't bad enough for John Edwards, what with losing the election and all, it is now being reported that his wife Elizabeth has been diagnosed with breast cancer. This proves once and for all that God hates Democrats almost as much as he hates fags. Almost.
Not content to merely shoot Iraqis and control the destiny of their country, American soldiers are now raping their very culture, spray-painting such philosophical phrases as 'Killroy was here' on very walls of ancient Babylon.
Politics suck, and this news isn't as funny as it should be. It's just sad. Signing off from the United States of Jesustopia, goodnight and Godspeed folks.
 
   

11/03/04
 




FUCK.


 
 

11/01/04
 

No news today, just our modern protest songs feature. Check it out, and please vote Kerry if you don't want your children to be molested and eaten by the horrible Cheney goblin who lives in their closet and runs our country. The real reason we invaded Iraq? He feasts on their blood.

Normal news and reviews schedule will resume on Wednesday.
  
 

10/27/04
 

Boy oh boy, I can't wait to not vote on November 2nd. You see, I live in a swing state and I'm a young half-Jewish boy which means I'm most likely voting Democratic (as is anyone else who likes a little honesty mixed in with their politics every now and again). This means that the Republican party is actively trying to disenfranchise me and my 100,000 black friends. Remember how they stole the last election? Well, there's no holding back those little rascals, they're out there making mischief again. This election is going to be a fucking disaster the likes of which the American political system has never known.
Let's make a quick run down:

1) Glenda Hood. She's the Republican secretary of state who was also responsible for the scrapped and highly flawed felon list that attempted to cut thousands of black voters from the rolls, many of whom were never found guilty of anything. There were virtually no Cubans on the list, who vote overwhelmingly Republican, just blacks. Well now Ms. Hood has ruled that voter registration forms would be deemed incomplete if registrants forgot to check off the final box affirming their citizenship, even if they had affirmed their citizenship in numerous places elsewhere on the form. It may seem like a little thing but Fact: the ruling has excluded three times as many Democrats as Republicans. Democrats are stupid, ok I understand this, but come on!

And that's not all in Florida: A secret document obtained from inside Bush campaign headquarters in Florida by the BBC suggests a plan - possibly in violation of US law - to disrupt voting in
the state's African-American voting districts! Two e-mails, prepared for the executive director of the Bush campaign in Florida and the campaign's national research director in Washington DC, contain a 15-page "caging list" that lists 1,886 names and addresses of voters in predominantly black and traditionally Democrat areas of Jacksonville. Florida allows party operatives inside polling stations, and the obvious reason for the lists' existence is to challenge these black voters at the polls. They may then vote only 'provisionally' after signing an affidavit. Mass challenges have never occurred before in Florida and, says an elections supervisor in Tallahassee, "this process can be used to slow down the voting process and cause chaos on election day; and discourage voters from voting." US federal law prohibits targeting challenges to voters, even if there is a basis for the challenge, if race is a factor in targeting the voters. The list of Jacksonville voters covers an area with a majority of black residents.

2) A Republican-funded voter registration group in Nevada set up booths in public areas to register voters but once back at their headquarters any and all forms from Democratic registrants were shredded. The group has also operated in Oregon and West Virginia and is currently under investigation for voter fraud. In the meantime a Republican judge has ruled against allowing the thousands of disenfranchised voters to vote in Nevada come November.

3) We've already gone over Republican secretary of state Kenneth Blackwell's attempts to disqualify thousands of Democratic voters by ruling on the thickness of paper that all registration forms needs to be printed on in Ohio. After backing off of that though, there's more trouble in Ohio: voters in heavily Democratic Cleveland have been receiving pre-recorded calls telling them (incorrectly) that their voting location has been changed. Local election officials are currently investigating the calls but don't look for any conclusions before November 2nd. Ohio Republicans are also planning to place thousands of party loyalists at voting stations to challenge voters, delay the voting process, and disrupt the election like in Florida. Democrats (and Democracy) almost always benefit more from high turnouts.

4) The Republican in charge of ballot printing in Milwaukee County, Wisconsin -- one of the most heavily Democratic counties in this swing state -- has ordered the printing of 250,000 fewer ballots than election officials required. In fact, the total number of ballots printed is substantially less than the amount printed in the 2000 election.

While the race is currently neck-and-neck in the polls, the good news is that that's very bad news for the Bush campaign. You see, undecided voters almost always vote 2 to 1 in favor of the challenger once they get into the actual voting booth, no matter what they say beforehand. The fact that Bush hasn't broken 50% for the last month spells some major bad news for his campaign. Additionally, this election should see record turnout from those who have never voted before, primarily the poor and the young, who tend to be Democratic. That means that almost all the polls you read are inaccurate, and there's really no way to predict the winner at this point. Break out your 'disenfranchising hats' boys, its time to go to work. Can't let those blackies decide who the next president is. This election is going to be such a fucking fiasco that it'll make Iraq '04 look like Iraq '91. God bless America.
 

Another factor complicating the election is the sudden news that 380 tons of explosives are missing from a facility in Iraq that is supposed to be guarded by US soldiers. First, Iraq doesn't have the weapons we think they do, then we let insurgents steal the weapons they actually do have? What the fuck kind of two-bit operation is the United States of America running here? In a letter to the UN dated October 10, the Iraqi interim government blamed "the theft and looting of the governmental installations" on the "lack of security." Army officials have tried to play off the news, claiming that the weapons were taken by looters after the fall of Saddam's government but before American troops reached the supply depot in Al Qaqaa (Hilariously pronounced 'Al Caca') in 2003.

But that doesn't make it any better! Remember last year when we let the Iraqis go looting for a couple weeks instead of establishing security? And in the meantime, there's still 380 tons of explosives floating around out there, enough to demolish buildings, set off nuclear warheads, or just blow the shit out of the occasional US troop patrol.
Yet another wrench in the election is the sudden revelation that Chief Justice of the Supreme Court William Rehnquist, who is 80 years old and oh so frail, is in the hospital with thyroid cancer. Great timing, if Rehnquist dies it will mean that Bush will possibly be able to appoint five (5) Supreme Court Justices during his next term. That's more friends than I have! There's only a total of nine justices currently sitting on the Court! They're appointed for life (!) and have the power to ban abortion, overturn both Roe v. Wade and all those civil rights laws you learned about in high school but can't remember! Talk about activist judges! Clarence Thomas hates black people! Exclamation point!!!!!
In the midst of all this, the people of (Formerly) Great Britain have decided that if they could choose our next President of the United States, they would choose Homer Simpson. Simpson promises a donut in every belly and a beer in every bottle. When he ran for mayor, he said, "I promise there will be fewer nuclear disasters with me as your mayor than with me as your nuclear safety inspector." Hopefully this campaign promise carried over to his bid for the White House. Remember folks, these are the same people that elected Margaret Thatcher, they know good politics. As Homer himself tells us, "No big government, just big waist sizes." Don't believe me? Click here
On a totally unrelated note, famed British DJ John Peel has died at the age of 65. Peel was a champion of British and underground music for nearly 40 years on his late-night Radio 1 show and has led the way in promoting new acts, from David Bowie, through Joy Division to the White Stripes. He championed punk rock in the 1970s when no other DJ would touch it and relentlessly promoted the best of underground in the 1980s. Peel would regularly invite up and coming bands to perform a live 'Peel session' for his radio program. For a complete obituary, click here.
If you couldn't tell, the election is freaking me out, man.
  
   

10/25/04
by walt
 

If you missed the third presidential debate …well… you didn’t miss a whole lot. In fact, we didn't even feel like talking about it till two weeks afterwards. They might as well have rerun the first debate. Kerry talked about his plan. Bush talked about Kerry being a flip-flop. Ralph Nader sat outside and cried by himself.

Bush didn’t even give me any joke ammo. The best I can do is laugh at how he’d tell Kerry his “rhetoric didn’t match his record” when Kerry wasn’t using rhetoric. Then kept silent when Kerry did use rhetoric. Maybe this is why Bush uses a lot of rhetoric: he just doesn’t know what it is.
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are allegedly having marriage troubles. Jennifer is apparently upset over Brad spending far too much too much time with Angelina Jolie's lips. Come on, Brad, share the wealth, my man. You’ve already got one really hot girl. You don’t need two!

What can I say? It was a slow news week and we here at BBW are determined to become the next National Enquirer..
 

Apple Computers recently announced that iPod sales have increased by 500%. Profits soared from $44 million for 2003’s 4th quarter to an astonishing $106 million in 2004’s 4th quarter. Apple CEO Steve Jobs stated that this was their highest fourth quarter profit in 9 years. When asked about computer sales, Mr. Jobs yelled “hey, what’s that?!”, pointed towards the back of the room, and ran away giggling as the reporter turned to look.
I’m sure many of you (read: many of you women) have fallen asleep during intercourse. Sometimes you’re just really tired, sometimes they’re just really bad. But, I doubt many of you have engaged in sex while you were asleep. That’s right, Australian psychologists have reported cases of patients who initiate sexual intercourse while in a sleep-walking state. So rest easy, Born Backwards readers. One day you too may be able to run in to one of these people and finally lose your virginity, you pathetic fuck getting your news off the internet.

Did I mention it was a slow news week?
 
   

10/20/04
by jesse
 

Jon Stewart is our hero, and he should be yours as well. During the funniest 15 minutes of CNN's history, cable TV's favorite news anchor recently ripped into the hosts of CNN's "Crossfire" like never before seen. Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson just never saw it coming. Usually Begala (the donkey) and Carlson (the elephant) invite two guests of opposing political views each night to take part in their debate show, but this past Friday night they decided to go with only Jon Stewart, host of Comedy Central's "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart". They were counting on his political insight and sharp wit, but his scathing tone and belittling comments definitely caught them off guard. Stewart decided to kick-off his appearance by addressing comments frequently made on his show about their CNN program, namely that it's "bad", but the "Crossfire" hosts really start to see the picture once Stewart clarifies: "…it's not so much that it's bad, as it's hurting America." By the time Begala and Carlson break for their first commercial, Stewart has denied their show any merit whatsoever, claiming it's less a forum for debate as it is a puppet show hosted by political "hacks" for the sole purpose of theatre. Stewart argued that the American people desperately needed their objective views on American politics. Here's the conversation that ensued:

Paul Begala: We're 30 minutes in a 24-hour day where we have each side on, as best we can get them, and have them fight it out.

Jon Stewart: No, no, no, no, that would be great. To do a debate would be great. But that's like saying pro wrestling is a show about athletic competition.

Tucker Carlson: Jon, Jon, Jon, I'm sorry. I think you're a good comedian. I think your lectures are boring.

Jon Stewart: Now, this is theater. It's obvious. How old are you?

Tucker Carlson: Thirty-five.

Jon Stewart: And you wear a bowtie.

Pretty-boy Tucker just took it in stride with a smile on his face, but what else could he do? Stewart then added, "Now, listen, I'm not suggesting that you're not a smart guy, because those are not easy to tie." At this point Stewart had the audience laughing hysterically in his corner (so you know he's not about to let up), and Begala remained pretty quiet while Stewart and Carlson continued their banter. Carlson wanted to know why Stewart neglected to ask legitimate questions while John Kerry was on his show, but Stewart insisted that his show is a comedy and that news organizations such as CNN should not be looking to his program for the hard-hitting questions. At one point Stewart reminded Carlson that his show is preceded by "puppets making crank phone calls."

In Tucker's defense, Jon Stewart really had him backed into a corner after taking such a strong offensive, and he held his composure better than most would expect. It wasn't until one of the last commercial breaks that Tucker's patience wore thin. Just before they broke away, Carlson made a comment about Stewart being funnier on his own show, and Stewart quipped back, "You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show." Of course Jon had to go out with a bang; there's no way he'd let Tucker have the last word (no matter who's show it was). Stewart's cause was noble, and his performance was amazing. Do yourself a favor and check out this clip.
 

My favorite talking head [besides David Byrne], Bill O'Reilly, is facing some serious allegations. A former associate producer for his show on Fox News, 33-year old Andrea Mackris, has filed a sexual harassment suit against her former boss stemming from a series of (alleged) sexually explicit phone calls during which he (allegedly) insisted she use a vibrator, (allegedly) told her about some sexual fantasies involving her and engaged in (allegedly) unwanted phone sex. Sounds pretty kinky to me, until I remembered that it involves Bill O'Reilly. Looks like Mr. I'm-So-Righteous-And-Honest-And-Moral's "no spin zone" doesn't include sexual innuendo. Is it sad for me to take pleasure in this? Maybe she's just jealous of O'Reilly and that fact that he is just too goddamned sexy for his own good.

In a related note, O'Reilly's totally erotic new book The O'Reilly Factor for Kids : A Survival Guide for America's Families is now on store shelves.
The New York Times is reporting that the Universal Music Group is close to finalizing a deal with Jay-Z to buy out his label, Roc-A-Fella Records. The agreement will bring HOVA into Universal's executive ranks by naming him president of the Def Jam Recordings label. You can vote for whomever you'd like on November 2nd, but the truth of the matter is Jigga will be running this country by the end of next year.
My favorite discovery of Summer 2003, Broken Social Scene, has divulged some details about their upcoming full-length due out in early 2005. Its tentative title is Windsurfing Nation and about 15-20 nearly-completed tracks are under consideration to be included. BSS has spent much of the last year touring and recording, and they'll soon head overseas to wow audiences in numerous European countries before heading to New York for a couple of shows, including one with the Pixies.
Canada has ruled that a 14-year old female hockey player's rights were violated when she was forced to use a separate locker room from the rest of her male teammates. She raised concern that she wasn't able to join in the team's camaraderie in the locker room and that she was missing out on important coaching tips. Brigitte LeBlanc (the star of this story) and her family are thankful for the ruling and hope it paves the way for future young girls in hockey. Now let's take this opportunity to review the official Bornbackwards "Yay Budd-ay! for Canada" list:
1) Broken Social Scene
2) The Unicorns
3) Cheaper prescription drugs
4) Co-ed locker rooms
 
   

10/18/04
 

A thousand apologies. I know we only just started this whole 'news twice a week' thing but all of our energy went into the insanely long Smile we just posted. Enjoy!
  
 

10/13/04
by jesse
 

We've now begun updating the news twice a week, on Mondays and Wednesdays. If you didn't catch Monday's, scroll down to the next update. We will conquer the internet.
Christopher Reeve has passed away at the age of 52 due to heart failure. Gaining fame as Superman back in the late 70s, Reeve has spent the last 9 years in the public eye as a worldwide advocate for spinal cord research after being thrown from a horse and breaking his neck. Making the most of his situation, Reeve tirelessly pursued the advancement of medicine, especially stem cell research, to search for answers to his and so many others' questions. He endured years of therapy to regain sensation in each of his limbs, and he never stopped believing he'd walk again someday. An inspiration for so many, Reeve spent his final days supporting John Kerry and his bid for the White House. Stem cell research has proved to be one of the key deciding issues of this year's election, and one can only hope that Christopher Reeve will be laid to rest with a smile come this November. In the meantime it would be entirely appropriate to watch Superman 3, co-starring Richard Pryor, in tribute. But please avoid all kryptonite jokes. Tasteless, really.

Speaking of which, Senate majority leader Bill Frist has officially begun the pathetic Republican push to somehow thwart the support that the Kerry/Edwards campaign has gained from Christopher Reeve and his devoted followers. Edwards recently spoke of Reeve as a "powerful voice for the need to do stem cell research and change the lives of people like him." He continued, "If we do the work that we can do in this country, the work that we will do when John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve will get up out of that wheelchair and walk again." Frist, a former heart surgeon, called the remarks "crass" and "shameful" in their attempt to give false hope that new treatments were imminent. "I find it opportunistic to use the death of someone like Christopher Reeve -- I think it is shameful -- in order to mislead the American people," Frist said. "We should be offering people hope, but neither physicians, scientists, public servants or trial lawyers like John Edwards should be offering hype." Wait, hold on just a second… who's the shameful, opportunistic prick? Ohhhh, the irony!
If your parents dragged you to a Bush rally like this, you'd be just as cynical…


...but not nearly as cute.
According to Bush's campaign, the "W stands for Women." Well I must be an idiot because all this time I was under the impression that the "W" stands for "We'll tell you What you can do with your body and What you can't While We Wage War around the World Without a coalition and Without legitimate reason While lying to the American public the Whole time."
Alright, alright…just one more political story ala Jesse for tonight. At least this one's got a little more humor in it - well, sorta. An artist by the name of Kayti Didriksen has painted a classic portrait of Bush/Cheney in the well-known style of Manet's "Olympia". The funny part: Bush is perched naked on a bed with Cheney hovering behind, presenting him with a golden crown in the shape of an oil rig. The not-so-funny part: the painting, titled "Man of Leisure, King George", has been yanked off the wall at the City Museum of Washington due to criticisms of indecency. I can't see the lack of decency myself, but I'll leave you to be the judge:

William "Dick" Tracy, a gentle old man from North Andover, Massachusetts, was recently arrested for dumping his cup of coffee on a 4-year old girl at a farm. I'm sure you're thinking that's pretty mean, but first you should know that the little bitch sprayed the old-timer while opening a soda can. If you ask me she's lucky to still have both arms. You can't go apple picking with your family at some local farm and then just squirt whomever you'd like while you're there. Teach your kids some god damned manners! What the fuck is wrong with people these days?
Ryan Starr is not famous. How she landed a spot on VH1's "Surreal Life" is still beyond me. I think the saddest part is she's still convinced she has a music career to look forward to. Have you heard her voice? It sucks. And when she talks she sounds like a man. Know who else sounds like a man? Macy Gray. I think my point has been made. Hey Ryan - stop crying about stupid shit and enjoy your second 15 minutes of fame because I'm sure it'll be your last.
Internet stalking is starting to bore me. I'm thinking of taking my act primetime, and I've found just the perv to emulate. Ara Gabrielyan was arrested not too long ago for using GPS to stalk his former girlfriend. He mounted a cell phone underneath his ex's car to track her every movement, which led to unexpected visits while she got coffee at book stores, picked up friends from the airport, and even while visiting her brother's grave. The phone would automatically turn on and broadcast a signal as soon as the car moved. The only downside was he'd have to sneak under her car to replace the phone's battery every so often. I'll just get together with my engineering friends to rig a setup where the phone draws power from the car's battery. Then there'll be no way the girls can avoid my smothering love.
My vote for the lamest cast page definitely goes to Austin. Way to miss your one opportunity at internet stardom! And nice red sweat suit, faggot.
 
 

10/13/04
by walt
 

Surprise, surprise, my first topic for this week is last Friday's Presidential Debate, or as I like to call it, The George W Show. That's right, John Kerry may as well have not even been there, because Bush did a good enough job making himself look like an idiot. It bordered on painful to watch a fully-grown man (a Yale graduate, no less) make such catastrophic errors in speech and action. Whether it was treating the Internets like the Gorton's Fisherman, or his feeble attempts to peddle wood, or even his attempt to give us all an impromptu lesson on the Constitution, Bush's idiocy was ON FIRE BA-BY! BOO YAH! I was honestly moved to tears when he bum rushed the podium because Kerry said something mean about him. Watch yourself Kerry, Gerogie's gonna tell his daddy, who he is most assured can beat up your daddy.

Oh, and for you conservatives who read this, Kerry's a douche, a really big one. He like, so totally says one thing, then so totally does another. Who cares if you have to put months in between quotes to make it look like he changes his mind on a dime? He's a flip-flop. Just like the hateful sandal. Nobody wants a sandal for president. I mean, it's not like any of us have changed our mind in between the time we were 20 and almost 50. Who wants a guy who thinks on his feet anyway? Or a guy who will do what he thinks the American public wants instead of his own stubborn ideas?
President Bush recently criticized Kerry's plan for health care reform. Bush claims that it can't be done without raising taxes on the middle class. This sort of side steps the fact that the raised taxes will replace many health care costs, if they happen at all, meaning you'll probably still save in the end. But yes, there will more than likely be raised taxes, and no one likes that, especially the rich. Bush said he has the answers to fix the health care system and he won't wreck the federal budget in doing so, simply because he's already wrecked the federal budget with all his other plans.
Sinclair Broadcast Group is at it again! After refusing to air Ted Koppel reading the names of fallen soldiers in the current War in Iraq, the group is now airing a 90-minute movie, commercial free, about John Kerry betraying POWs in Vietnam. The Democratic Party has filed a complaint saying that this is a contribution to the Bush campaign.

Honestly, if anyone doesn't know that Sinclair Broadcasting is biased towards the right by now, they're morons. It's like going to see Michael Moore and thinking he's doing anything but lining his pockets with money like oh so many CEO's. Come on folks, you're not stupid; you can see what's a lie and what isn't.
There has been recent speculation that President Bush cheated during the first debate by wearing an in-ear monitor. Search google and you'll see the pictures and hypothesis. Let's be real here for a second: you could have fit the rhetoric that BOTH Bush and Kerry were using on the front of a 3x5 index card. Why would they even bother with an ear piece? Couldn't it have just been the box for a clip-on microphone? Anyone think of that? I guess deep down inside I hope he wasn't getting help from the outside, because he did horribly in both debates. You would think that he couldn't screw up cheating. If you could steal an entire state, you'd thinkhandling a debate would be nothing.

Except lapel microphones were against the first debate rules, and neither candidate had them. Hmmm.

President Bu…er…sorry… Eminem's newest video has been pulled from BET for scenes mocking Michael Jackson. Jackson called the Steve Harvey show to voice his disgust for the scene where Mr. Mathers dresses as Michael and has children jumping on the bed near him, along with other scenes alluding to Billie Jean and the Pepsi commercial incident in the 1980s. Steve Harvey promptly "took back Eminem's ghetto pass" on the air. Harvey then cited the recordings released by WHITE "rapper," and part owner of the Source magazine, Benzino, which featured Em dropping the N bomb. That's right, you heard it here, Eminem, a man who has spent the better part of his life emulating and admiring African Americans, is clearly a racist. Dr. Dre, 50 Cent, Lloyd Banks, the other guy in G-Unit, all of D12, Snoop Dogg, Busta Rhymes, and many others, are close friends and collaborators with a man who secretly hates them based solely on their ethnicity. Who would have thought?!

Apparently insulting Michael Jackson means that you hate the entire black community. The video for "Just Lose It" will not be aired on BET again, according to CEO, Bob Johnson. He also asked that MTV and VH1 do the same.

Congratulations Eminem, you've surprised us yet again with your ability to stir up controversy just to make your album something that everyone "just has to hear." Whoever thought up your marketing strategy is a total genius, because unless your new album is seriously different from what we've heard so far, it probably wouldn't sell. Sorry, but that shit redefines whack.
 
 

10/11/04
by austin
 

HEY! I bet this is a surprise! From now on we're gonna be doing news Mondays too! We'll be posting the new mp3 of the week on Monday as well, which means I get to cut that shitty Interpol song short!
Are you an undecided voter? Do you feel like you have no choice in candidates? Well, fear not, you fence-sitting bastards! We've got plenty of candidates! You want a communist president, comrade? Well we've got one for you!.

Communism too strong for your tastes? A Socialist regime more to your liking? Well we've got freakin' three of 'em! (1, 2, 3) Want to vote for someone who can't actually win, no matter how many votes they get? Done, and done! One is 24 and the other isn't even a citizen of The United States.

Are you in prison, but not on a felony charge? Vote for Leonard Peltier, a man who is also in prison! FOR MURDER!

Now, we all know that Cheney would never want all his holes filled with steaming hard cock. But do you want a VP that would? Vote for former porn star Marilyn Chambers and her pimp! Now I know what you're saying, "You didn't list a party for me, I'm old and I don't like people to drink. The idea of people having fun fills me with an impotent rage." Well you're in luck we've even got a Prohibition Party. Here you go! And don't worry, your rage will be allowed to remain impotent if you vote for them, because they received only 208 votes nationally in the last election! That's less people than work for their party. Yes, this party has been around since the 1920s when Prohibition actually occured! And they're still at it, so vote NOW!

This has been an advertisement, paid for, collectively, by all the parties who couldn't afford to get an ad by themselves. I am Leonard Peltier and I approve this message.
You know, it's really funny to hear a newscaster say "blogger".
Paramount Classics will be releasing a film of Jay-Z's last concert, recorded November 2003, (even though he's currently on tour) into theaters on November 5th (my birthday, send gifts). It will be titled "Fade to Black" and will be narrated by the Jigga-man himself.
Rush was right---Oxycontin rules!
 

The FBI was ordered last week to release the remainder of the files they keep on John Lennon to the general public. The FBI originally claimed that the information that they gathered on Lennon in the 70's would pose a national security risk. I wonder why that didn't hold up in court. Hmmm. Files on what a musician that has been dead for 24 years did more than three decades ago could bring down the internal framework of the government? Story checks out to me. But just out of curiosity, what exactly is in these files? Well, University of California Professor and author of Gimme Some Truth: The John Lennon FBI Files, Jonathan Wiener (Yes, that's his real name) says that he believes it involves Lennon's involvement in protests of the Vietnam war. I think it involves Lennon's secret plot to take over America by playing "Revolution 9" backwards on national TV.
In other Lennon news, Mark David Chapman, the man who murdered the former Beatle, came up for parole last week and was subsequently denied. The parole board stated that the reason he was not released was Chapman's "extreme malicious intent" in gunning down Lennon outside of his New York Apartment. The FBI then awarded Chapman parole for "Aiding in the War Against Terror". President Bush overturned this decision, however, citing Section 13, Line 7 of the PATRIOT act, "Nobody is allowed to be free".

When asked if he made his decision because he was a fan of The Beatles, Bush replied, "Who?"
Neil Young will be releasing a greatest hits album, featuring his work from Buffalo Springfield, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young and, of course, his solo stuff. A DVD Audio disc will be included in the set with exactly the same tracklisting. And here it is!

01. Down by the River
02. Cowgirl in the Sand
03. Cinnamon Girl
04. Helpless
05. After the Gold Rush
06. Only Love Can Break Your Heart
07. Southern Man
08. Ohio
09. The Needle and the Damage Done
10. Old Man
11. Heart of Gold
12. Like a Hurricane
13. Comes a Time
14. Hey, Hey, My, My (Into the Black)
15. Rockin' in the Free World
16. Harvest Moon
Trent Reznor is also going to release a DVD Audio. It will be his best album to date (if such a thing exists), The Downward Spiral, and will span two discs. The first will be the original album, mastered in 5.1 surround. The second will be remixes, b-sides and demo's from the album's sessions. It's 90s-riffic!
  
   

10/06/04
 

More news of Republican attempts to disenfranchise voters. Is this becoming a trend you ask? Why yes I think it is, and its not just Florida anymore, it seems our fucked-up election disease has spread like Down's syndrome throughout the rest of the country. After an enormous 'get out the vote' drive by Ohio Democrats that registered 10 times as many new voters as the state's Republicans, the Ohio Secretary of State Kenneth Blackwell wanted to throw out any registration that wasn't on 80-pound stock paper -- the sort used for paperback-book covers and postcards, compared with the 20-to-24-pound stock in everyday use. He said he was concerned about forms' being mailed without envelopes and mangled by postal equipment, but he's a cock-mouth and he's a goddamned liar besides, because his directive applied to all registration forms, even those sent in an envelope or delivered by hand. It has also been reported by the Daily Mail that in his spare time Blackwell enjoys hockey, video games, crudely manipulating our Democratic process for his own ends, and kidnapping babies to bathe in their blood -- which he believes is the source of eternal life.

This is the first presidential election in which every voter whose eligibility is in doubt has the right to cast a ballot and to have the vote's validity verified later. But Ohio and Colorado have tried to circumvent this guarantee by not counting provisional ballots cast in the wrong polling places. There's going to be a flood of first-time voters this year who don't know their boyfriend's asshole from a hanging chad and who probably won't know where to vote. "Do I do it in my bathroom? What about the local sex shop, is that where I vote?" In Colorado Secretary of State Donetta Davidson, also a Republican, is trying to manipulate the Senate race by issuing a bizarre ruling: she will allow provisional ballots cast at the wrong polling places to count for only the presidential race, meaning all Congressional votes will be tossed out. Why would you count one vote on a ballot but not any of the others? Why, because the Senate race in Colorado is among the closest in the nation and could determine control of the Senate, that's why!

Please for the love of god vote in November so we can get slimy, evil sons of bitches like these out of office.

AND DON'T VOTE FOR NADER GOD DAMN IT!
Maybe they need to be told that God doesn't have a political preference. In fact, I thought he was actually partial to European kings and their families.
Despite these insidious, proto-fascist attempt to undermine our country's freedom, you can actually score one point for Democracy in Iraq. Insurgent leader and Shiite cleric Moktada al-Sadr has announced plans to disband his militia, the Madhi Army, and run for public office. He's even got a working name for his new political - the Patriotic Alliance. How incredibly fucking ironic would be if our biggest insurgent enemy became the next president of Iraq thanks to the new-fangled democracy that WE forced onto its citizens? Then, just as the Bush administration predicted, democracy will flow across the Middle East and all Arab nations will see the errors of their primitive lifestyles and yearn for our highly advanced and enlightened Western civilization with all its attendant pleasures, like Ashlee Simpson albums and Puma sneakers and Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream.
Sum 41 and Good Charlotte have announced their plans to destroy human music once and for all. Sick of merely chipping away at the art form independently, these two musical terrorists have decided to join forces for a tour across America … a kind of wandering musical apocalypse if you will. No one who ever attends these events will ever want to listen to music again. Hopefully they will both be run over by very large trucks carrying WMDs to Iraq, to be found exactly 7 days before the election. But if that doesn't happen, don't be surprised if Sum 41 and Good Charlotte's next move is to fly highjacked airplanes into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, although arguably that might be a good thing considering that ZZ Top may be inducted before Black Sabbath, The Stooges, or even the god damned Sex Pistols. Bros before hoes, come on!
Rodney Dangerfield is dead at the age of 82. I have no reason to live. Dangerfield fell into a coma after undergoing heart surgery and suffering a small stroke, proving definitely that Rodney just couldn't get no respect, not even from Dr. Jesus Christ, MD, the best heart surgeon/deity in Beverly Hills.
Oh Deerhoof, love of my life, apple of my eye, sweet soundtrack to the conception of my unborn child. Yes, Deerhoof are one truly amazing band, and to prove this they've decided to offer their new live album Bibidi Babidi Boo absolutely free on the internet as either mp3s or a stream on their website. Click here to download it. The album features short, two-minute takes of songs from their last three excellent albums, Reveille, Apple O', and Milk Man. Bibidi Babidi Boo will be the first release from KRS5RC, a new free mp3 label from Kill Rock Stars. If you're wondering what it sounds like, well it's a rougher, harsher version of the bizarro pop the band has offered on those albums ... meaning it sounds like beautiful young retarded children getting amped up on pixie s