o

Hiatus

exadore — Sun, 29 Oct 2006 22:48:00 +0000

BBW will be on hiatus while I move to Chicago in the next two weeks. When it will return is anyone's guess.

I Did It! Almost! (New Feature)

twotonearmy22@hotmail.com (Phil) — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 01:14:00 +0000

In case you haven't been watching the ever-buzzing BBW board, back in June I entered David Barker's 33 1/3 book series' 'Under 21' essay contest, in which any writer under the age of 21 could submit an essay on any album. The winner would have received two-hundred-fifty smackaroos and would be a for-real published writer, not this silly imagariny interwebs craziness.

Anywho, I wrote about Radiohead's Kid A, robots, and John Mayer, and received an Honourable Mention on Barker's 33 1/3 blog when the winner was announced in July. So now you, loyal Bornbackwards.com reader, can experience my Mention-worthy essay here on this very site! Please read it, love it, and feel free to post a message on the board to let me know how you liked it!

Thaaaaaaaaanks!

You Just Got Punk'd, America!

Hans Gruber — Sun, 24 Sep 2006 20:20:00 +0000

During this week's episode of the popular Candid Camera-style MTV show Punk'd it was revealed that the most elaborate and devestating practical joke to ever be exist had been pulled on the American public. In front of an audience of international news agencies gathered by the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C., host Ashton Kutcher divulged the details of the collossal prank.

"Ladies and gentlemen, in September 2001, nearly 2 years before airing our first episode, we began work on the most spectacular stunt in history. Along with our accomplices in the news media, we began our meticulous recreation of the George Orwell classic 1984, complete with phony wars, staged terror and a full-scale assault on the Constitution and Bill of Rights. It was our initial goal to create a scenario in which the conditions present in the United States directly mirrored those in the novel. As you all know, our show's producers usually use a ridiculous, staged situation to bring about an extreme (and hilarious) reaction from the joke's victims. Unfortunately, after 5 full years of pushing this joke to ever further extremes, we never got the footage we were after. Much to our surprise, no one seemed to mind much that the U.S. now tortures captives, spies on its citizens, and bombs civilians with banned weapons. So, we've decided to pull the plug on this uber-punking of Americans. You can all go back to how things were before 9/11. Sorry for any inconvenience."

Popular reaction to this grand revelation has been equally lukewarm. In a CNN/Gallop poll, 86% of respondants state they really don't see much reason to regress to a pre-9/11 mindset, for it would involve all kinds of updates to their Blackberry (such as removing the "Report-your-neighbor-as-a-terrorist" hotline number). Meanwhile, 14% were somewhat pleased by the news, saying it will be nice to finally pull the duct-tape off of the windows.

Spinach and E. Coli, Together At Last

twotonearmy22@hotmail.com (Phil) — Tue, 19 Sep 2006 19:42:00 +0000

Truly, a match made in bacterial heaven.

But seriously, don't eat spinach. As of last week, that shit'll kill you. Seven-year-olds across the country finally have a reason to reject the smooth leafy vegetable besides the tried and true, "NO! NO! I DON'T WANT IT! STOP! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME, MOM?! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH I FUCKING HATE YOU!" Ahhhh, to be young again.

The E. coli outbreak -- which has left one person dead and about 100 sick -- has been traced back to Natural Selection Foods, an organic foods company in San Juan Bautista, California. The spinach experts have been saying that the bacteria probably isn't isolated to just Natural Selection products, but we all know that's just code for how fucked Natural Selection is. Sure, they provide some excellent organic greens, but I know my ass ain't touchin' no E. coli-havin' motherfuckers.

How could this have happened, you ask? Well, sit down kiddies, and let your sexy Uncle Phil take you on a wonnnnnderful journey. It begins in the sun-drenched hills of summertime Germany, where bacteriologist Theodor Escherich has just discovered a type of bacteria that lives in the lower intestines of numerous animals! This bacteria is later named Escherichia coli, because who doesn't want to be remembered as the guy who discovered the strain of bacteria that can lead to an infection in humans that can cause bloody stools or kidney failure! Yayyy! The bacterial infection can be spread when contaminated cow manure is used as fertilizer; through unpasteurized milk and juice; and especially through undercooked or raw meat and vegetables that may have been coated in contaminated fertilizer. Spinach is commonly eaten raw. Eureka!! It was probably the fertilizer!

Well, that's another mystery thoroghly bludgeoned by my genius. Time for a nice big salad!

And that's an addict.

9/11

exadore — Tue, 12 Sep 2006 17:18:00 +0000

Steve Irwin Dead At The Tragic Age of Incredibly Predictable

twotonearmy22@hotmail.com (Phil) — Mon, 04 Sep 2006 17:07:00 +0000

Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter--the Australian zoo-god best known for his recent escapades concerning a newborn baby and an crocodile's face--is dead. While filming a new documentary off the Great Barrier Reef in Queensland, Australia, Irwin swam too close a stingray and was stung in the heart by the poisonous ten-inch serrated barb on the ray's tail. Usually, a sting of this sort is merely excruciatingly painful, not fatal; but in this case, Irwin was pronounced dead-on-arrival at the nearest hospital in Cairns, Australia due to the hole in his heart.

Yeah. Seriously. If this sounds totally fucking baller, that's because it is the most ballinest shit ever!!! After a life of hunting dangerous creatures and gaining worldwide recognition for it, Irwin was finally brought down in such a dramatic fashion that I believe he must have found it incredibly satisfying, if not for the whole untimely death thing.

Oh, and the documentary he was filming? It was called "The Ocean's Deadliest." The ocean's fucking deadliest! What are the odds! He wasn't starting production on "Hey, Here Are Some Totally Pussy Sea Creatures" -- it was the fucking "Ocean's Deadliest"!! FUCK YEAH!

Steve Irwin was fucking nuts, and his fucking nuts animal-studying ways will be missed. Watch out for some awesome Discovery Channel reruns of Irwin's merely near-fatal mishaps.

Steve Irwin: straight baller.

World's oldest person dies

tuningdave@hotmail.com (Thelonious Q Twittlebotton, Esq) — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 00:32:00 +0000

QUITO, Ecuador (AP) -- Maria Esther de Capovilla, believed to be the world's oldest person, has died at 116, according to her granddaughter.

Catherine Capovilla, 46, said Capovilla died Sunday at 3 a.m. local time in a violent shootout with Police in the coastal city of Guayaquil. The shootout followed a brutal nine day standoff in which Capovilla repeatedly threw live mice and corn at police while mocking them via megaphone.

Born on September 14, 1889 -- hilariously the same year as mustachioed brethren Charlie Chaplin and Adolf Hitler -- Capovilla was married in 1917 and widowed in 1978. She took over as leader of the city's gangs after her husband Ernesto died. The coastal gangs are infamous for their use of duck stuffing, a practice in which tourists are attacked, their belongings stolen and a live duck is stapled to their heads as a warning to others.

One hundred and sixteen years of Thug Life.

Robert Young, senior consultant for Gerontology for Guinness World Records, said Elizabeth Bolden of Memphis, Tennessee, now appears to be the oldest person alive.

"Guinness World Records will have to make an official announcement from London," he said to no one in particular. "For all practical purposes, the next oldest person is going to be presumed to be Elizabeth Bolden. She is 116, so i am real sure that she will hold the title for a while... Let the death watch begin."

In her youth, Capovilla liked to embroider cats, paint graphic sex scenes on school property, play piano and dance the schpaltz at parties, her family said. She is unofficially the inventor of the schpaltz, a type of dance that takes 7 hours to perform and requires the use of three chairs, a tub of fresh mayonnaise and a bobtailed ocelot.

She always ate three meals of raw meat a day and never smoked or drank hard liquor. "Only a small cup of meat juice with lunch and nothing more," Irma told AP last December.

A nice cup of meat juice.

For the past 20 years, Capovilla had lived with elder daughter, Hilda, and son-in-law, Martin, when not defending her turf from rival gangbangers.

Very Stupid Man Honored To Cup President's Balls

twotonearmy22@hotmail.com (Phil) — Sat, 26 Aug 2006 18:09:00 +0000

Rockey Vaccarella lost his home to the devestating flooding and 100+ mile-per-hour winds of Hurricane Katrina. So Rockey, 41, of St. Bernard Parish, Louisiana took his big ol' "RV o' Freedom" and drove that motherfucker all the way to Washington, D.C., demanding an audience with the President of the United States. And in an interesting twist, he actually accomplished this.

Rockey Vaccarella, fresh out of the fucking awesome White House gift-shop of improbability.

So what does a man who makes such a journey from Louisiana to D.C. at the one-year anniversary of such a tragedy say to the man in charge who did such an awful job of handling it?

PRES. BUSH: I just had coffee with Rockey Vaccarella, St. Bernard Parish, Louisiana. He caught my attention because he decided to come up to Washington, D.C. and make it clear to me and others here in the government that there's people down there still hurting in south Louisiana, and along the Gulf Coast.
And Rock is a plain-spoken guy. He's the kind of fellow I feel comfortable talking to. I told him that I understand that there's people down there that still need help. And I told him the federal government will work with the state and local authorities to get the help to them as quickly as possible.
(some bullshit babbling about bureaucracy and how it slows down the ability to give money to people who need it after surviving a fucking insane natural disaster)
Now, I know we're coming up on the first-year anniversary of Katrina, and it's a time to remember, a time to particularly remember the suffering that people went through. Rockey lost everything. He lost -- he and his family had every possession they had wiped out. And it's a time to remember that people suffer, and it's a time to recommit ourselves to helping them. But I also want people to remember that a one-year anniversary is just that, because it's going to require a long time to help these people rebuild.
And thank you for your spirit.
ROCKEY VACCARELLA: Thank you, Mr. President.
PRES. BUSH: It's an amazing country, isn't it, where --
(I guess Rockey cut off the President in mid-sentence to deliver his gem of a message)

ROCKEY VACCARELLA: It is. You know, it's really amazing when a small man like me from St. Bernard Parish can meet the President of the United States. The President is a people person. I knew that from the beginning. I was confident that I could meet President Bush.
And my mission was very simple. I wanted to thank President Bush for the millions of FEMA trailers that were brought down there. They gave roofs over people's head. People had the chance to have baths, air condition. We have TV, we have toiletry, we have things that are necessities that we can live upon.
But now, I wanted to remind the President that the job's not done, and he knows that. And I just don't want the government and President Bush to forget about us. And I just wish the President could have another term in Washington. You know, I wish you had another four years, man. If we had this President for another four years, I think we'd be great. But we're going to move on.

Mr. President, it's been my pleasure.
PRES. BUSH: You're a good man, Rockey. Thank you all.

What the fuck.

What. The. Fuck.

You drive to Washington all the way from Louisiana and actually get to talk to the President...and you tell him what a great job he's been doing? That's so fucking insane that it makes possible to completely ignore Bush's abominable explanation of what "one-year anniversary" means, and Vaccarella's list of necessities that the FEMA trailers provided for him to "live upon."

Obviously, Rockey Vaccarella is one of the dumbest men in America. Although I understand this meeting was probably conceived as an excellent publicity stunt, I'm afraid it might backfire in the end. Honestly, I think that what we really needed to see in order to come together as a country on a single issue -- that issue of course being, "Maybe Bush is a know-nothing dumbass after all" -- is a man telling the President, who has held a steady 30% approval rating since he ignored the natural disaster that demolished this man's home and possessions a year ago, that he deserves another four years in office. I feel more American already. Kind of.

PRES. BUSH: Hey Rock, I gotta take a piss, you mind holdin' my dick for me?
ROCKEY VACCARELLA: Sure thing Mr. B!!

A True National Tragedy

twotonearmy22@hotmail.com (Phil) — Tue, 08 Aug 2006 21:38:00 +0000

Paris Hilton -- reality show staple, queen of gratuitous stupidity and grievous spending, amateur porn star, master of showing little to no regard for any human or animal life that may surround her, and the Sultan of Swat of Generation Why?, just without all that silly baseball bullshit -- has vowed to not have sex for a year in a recent issue of GQ England, which, surprisingly, is less classy and interesting than America's GQ.

So why the sudden desire to attempt a futile image change? Because she doesn't want people to think she's a whore! She's only had sex with "two guys" in her life! Bitch ain't no ho! She says that her relationships usually don't work because she won't let dudes get past some totally hot-and-heavy frenching, even after four months! Goddamn! That's cold!

Classy now? Does this mean the twatshots have to end!? No! Let us pray...

But seriously, now. Bitch is probably a ho.

News Flash: Rich, White Colorado Child's Life Worth More Than The Lives of 50,000 Iraqi Children

Hans Gruber — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 22:51:00 +0000

With the recent revelations concerning the 10-year-old murder case of Jon Benet Ramsey, it's important that the American public again be reminded that the life of a well-to-do, white, Colorado beauty pageant contestant is worth tens of thousands of times more than the lives of disposable Iraqi children.

Although the civilian death count in Iraq continues to swell (estimated at well over 100,000 by many humanitarian groups) and the majority of the victims have been woman and children, our balanced news media has appropriately disregarded this figure. In an unscientific study (performed by me), it was determined that Iraqi civilian casualties have been mentioned on the air roughly 4 times since the start of the war in 2003. The total airtime given this subject by all the major networks combined equals just under 2 and a half minutes. Conversely, the Ramsey case has had roughly 72 hours of news coverage per station in the past 3 days alone. What we can learn from these figures is profound. Here are some astonishing statistics:

One photo of Jon Benet in an adorable pink dress is more newsworthy than the lives of 17,563 Iraqi babies.

One video segment of the littlest Ramsey is worth more than 47,522 Iraqi infants with missing limbs or birth defects due to depleted uranium.

Each tear from Patsy Ramsey's eyes is equivalent to all the pain and suffering of every living Iraqi child combined, plus their grieving mothers.

That dude that killed Jon Benet is almost as evil as 247 insurgent terrorists in the same room.

Stone Philips' hair is worthy of more televised screen time than a generation of Iraqi children growing up without fathers.

Due to the increased ratings for prime time news shows this week, it has been determined that coverage of the war in Iraq is a ratings graveyard that must be avoided. An undisclosed source at Fox News was quoted as saying, "Thank God that blonde kid got murdered a decade ago -- she's ratings dynamite! ...and I realize we wouldn't show dead soldier's coffins returned to America, but I'd give my left testicle for some footage of Jon Benet's precious little corpse getting exhumed."

Nothing Left To Criticize Bush For

Hans Gruber — Thu, 24 Aug 2006 23:48:00 +0000

In a startling development, top political analysts have conceded that President George W. Bush has finally reached a nadir where he is simply beyond criticism.

Robert Goldsmith of the Washington Press Corps elaborated, "Bush has achieved a position that no other political figure in history has -- every conceivable failure has now been documented. Lost wars, a ruined economy, corruption, incompetence and the destruction of the American way of life as we know it -- these are merely the beginning of an endless litany of collosal failures our 43rd president has spearheaded. People have simply run out of things to say about this man. Comparisons to Hitler, accusations of being the anti-christ -- these are all old-hat at this point. Bush has simply exhausted the available list of things a human being can do wrong."

Left-wing pundits agree. Carl Johnstone of Democracy Now says, "Five years into this disastrous presidency and we've run out of things to say in our effort to enlighten Bush-supporting morons. Cocaine addiction, drunk-driving, the inability to formulate simple sentences -- none of these things have been enough to crack his core supporters. It seems that there will always be around a third of the population that supports this titanic dipshit. I think he could take a crap on a statue of Jesus on the White House lawn while masturbating onto a dying child's face and the Christian Right would find a way to justify his actions. It's actually quite impressive that one man could be so mythically heinous. I'd call him the anti-christ, but I always believed the anti-christ would be a charismatic figure who was beloved by billions. Bush is just too easy to hate."

Basic statistics support these recent findings: Bush is not only the world leader with the lowest I.Q., he has also done the most measurable environmental damage, incurred the greatest economic loss, and tallied the most wartime defeat of any other leader. His record of criminal behavior, drug addiction and boorish behavior is well documented.

"The guy is unstoppable," laments Guy Standage of Columbia University. "I can't think of anything he doesn't suck at or ruin due to his incalculable idiocy, greed or evil. Dubya is the reverse Midas."

Having now accepted the fact that Bush has done all the wrongs that can be done -- and yet somehow also surviving unscathed -- prominent thinkers and humanitarians worldwide have begun organizing a mass global suicide.

Writers Wanted

exadore — Tue, 22 Aug 2006 23:46:00 +0000

In case you couldn't tell, we need writers. Desperately. The ones we already have are lazy prima donnas who only like to do work once every three months. So send a sample to submissions at bornbackwards dot com with the word reviews in the title and one day you too can be a lazy prima donna. We're looking for both reviewers and news reporters, so if you ever wanted to write for a no-name zine that thinks it's better than it is, now's your chance!

New Flying Restrictions Keep Terrorists From Winning

Hans Gruber — Sat, 12 Aug 2006 16:42:00 +0000

Hot on the heels of the latest thwarted terror event, the TSA has implemented some simple new rules to ensure the safety of all Americans during air travel:

1. No liquids of any kind may be brought on board.
2. No hair gel, lubricating jelly, or erotic creams are allowed aboard the aircraft.
3. No carry-on bags of any kind are allowed on flights to the UK.

Adhering to these simple restrictions will help keep America safe. Nonetheless, a contingency plan has been drafted in the unlikely event of another staged terror attack just in time for the November elections...oh, excuse me -- that last line was located in the "for your eyes only" portion of the TSA press release. Please disregard the previous statement.

Anyways, what follows are the proposed new restrictions in the extremely unlikely event of yet another terror attack:

1. Airline passengers must check all possessions, including watches, wallets, purses, gold teeth and genital piercings. These items become the property of the U.S. government during the duration of the flight. When the time comes to claim said items, it is the discretion of the Department of Homeland security as to whether these items will be returned to their owners.

2. Passengers may become subject to "no fly lists" on a completely arbitrary basis. This random process will ensure that the terrorists will become too frustrated with air travel to bother hijacking planes.

3. Travelers may be subject to indefinite incarceration in a holding facility such as Guantanamo Bay in the event that their name sounds suspiciously Arabic.

4. Before boarding, passengers must shave their heads. Terrorists are believed to have hidden IEDs in their hair during previous terror events.

5. Travelers must shave genitalia before their complete body-check and cavity search. Pubic regions are often thick and bushy enough for terrorists to conceal iPods. iPods are detonation devices, remember?

6. Travelers must remain nude during the duration of their flight thereby eliminating the ability to conceal shoe-bombs in their clothing.

7. Obese travelers are forbidden from air travel. Rotund terrorists have been known to conceal Anthrax baggies in the folds of their belly fat.

8. Passengers must void bowels in a special receptacle that must pass a thorough testing process before boarding is possible. Tests may take 4 to 6 weeks, so please allow this much time when arriving for your flight.

9. Female passengers are subject to vaginal probing to ensure that boxcutters are not concealed within their reproductive shaft. It has been found that the penis of the TSA inspector is the most accurate means of probing this region.

10. Detonating neck collars must be worn by all passengers. In the event that a passenger becomes suspicious (his skin is a little too tan or her dress is just too concealing for her to not be Muslim), a micro-explosion obliterates the jugular vein of the would-be culprit, thus neutralizing the threat and alleviating the fear of the other passengers.

If everyone adheres to these easy-to-follow new rules we can all take comfort in the knowledge that the terrorists won't win. Thank you, and may God bless America.

An Open Letter To Pitchforkmedia.com

exadore — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 19:35:00 +0000

The folks over at Radio Free Chicago have posted an open letter to Pitchforkmedia.com about the recent Pitchfork Music festival in Chicago. The letter addresses some of the same concerns many of the rest of us out here in zine-land obscurity are feeling as well.

An Open Letter To Ryan Schreiber of Pitchforkmedia.com
Dear Ryan:

Last week when you asked for my photographer's contact info because you wanted to use a couple of the Pitchfork Festival shots that were posted on Radio Free Chicago for your very own coverage, I thought I was doing you a favor. I guess I could've been like, "how much are they worth to ya?" Or perhaps I should’ve got all competitive about things and refused to release any of the pics. But none of that really crossed my mind at the time. Our sites are like apples and oranges. We're local and focus on live music, you're national and focus on album reviews. Not to mention I've respected your work for years and was just flattered that our coverage attracted your attention.

So, even though I got back to you right away, was more than happy to comply with your request and forwarded you Rory's info, why do I feel like I got totally taken advantage of here? Yes, technically, you did follow through with what I asked. Rory got the photo credit, Radio Free Chicago got a link. But c'mon, could you have hidden the hyperlink any better? No bold or underscore on Rory's name...not even a different font color to give even the slightest indication that there's a link there. Furthermore, the piece is solely credited to "Pitchfork Staff," (which is a glaring inaccuracy) so why would anyone even think to look for an external link where there may be more pictures elsewhere?

The point being is that I obviously agreed to let you use the pics because I thought we'd be getting a mention and a nice boost in traffic in return. This is pretty much standard practice these days when trading content between Web sites, no? I would think you, of all people, would understand and appreciate this concept. So why would you bury the link in a non-descript spot that you know is going to lead to virtually no hits for us? Most of all, why would you not even bother to put a quick "thanks to Radio Free Chicago" in your intro or at the very least in a footnote at the end? Come to think of it, you didn't even reply with a quick "thanks, man" via email after I gave you my blessing and forwarded you to Rory?!?

I don't get it...there's no competition here, right? Pitchfork certainly isn't in danger of losing thousands of readers to Radio Free Chicago. You struggled in obscurity for many years trying to get Pitchfork off the ground, no? Why wouldn’t you want to support fellow underground music journalists like yourself in the local community? I could be wrong, but it seems like there's some seriously unwarranted competitive paranoia going on here.

Speaking of which, what was the deal with the clamp down on the press at your festival? Photogs were only allowed to shoot during the first 3 songs, we were banished from the artist/VIP section and given the saddest press area/tent that I've ever seen. To be fair, I guess I don't know how directly involved you were with the festival logistics, but I found it ironic that of all the times I've had press privileges at concerts and other events, I probably received the least amount of access at the Pitchfork Festival...a festival run by a press outlet! You'd think of all the concert/festival organizers in the world, you guys would be the most sympathetic to giving the press easy access and ample amenities.

So, I don't know what's going on over there at Pitchfork HQ these days, but it seems to me that your success has, in fact, totally gone to your head and you need to loosen up a bit. I first sensed this odd paranoia with the way you handled (more like ignored) your split with Intonation. Then, at your own festival, I got this odd feeing that you were limiting press access so that no one could trump your own coverage. Then I thought, "nah...the heat’s just messing with my head, reading into this waaaay too much." I even gave you the benefit of the doubt when I saw you didn't mention Radio Free Chicago in last week's piece. I was angry at first, but then I thought..."well maybe he was in a hurry to finish it, overlooked it, forgot, etc." So I dropped you a line and asked if you could highlight the link better and give RFC credit at the bottom. No reply. “Well, maybe he’ll add a quick note later…” Nothing. Damn, did my conspiracy theory actually have some validity?

The reason I was drawn to your site in the first place years ago was because of its irreverence and honesty. It was completely refreshing in the world of the stale, boardroom-approved reviews found in the likes of the modern day Rolling Stone and Spin magazines. For years I defended Pitchfork to friends, co-workers, drunk dudes at bars, etc. who always bitched that you guys were all pretentious, self-important pricks. "No," I always said, "it's not the staff themselves, it's the readers’ fault for taking their reviews too damn seriously." Well, either things have changed, or I've just been flat out wrong this whole time.

You've still got a great thing going on over there at the 'Fork, and judging by the massive crowd that you drew to your festival, I don't think you're in danger of becoming irrelevant any time soon. So don't fuck it up by getting all insular and cocky atop your little indie rock empire. Otherwise you're in serious danger of just becoming that same type of bullying big media outlet that you once seemingly rallied so hard against.

My thoughts exactly. Sounds like trouble in indie-land!

Finally - A Reason to Be Proud of My Hometown

Hans Gruber — Sat, 05 Aug 2006 16:29:00 +0000

Many people are proud of the place where they grew up. As inexplicable (and somewhat retarded) as this sense of pride is, it nonetheless helps people define themselves. Although gaining self-worth based on something as random and uncontrollable as one's birthplace (or race, for that matter) is patentely moronic, it's a fairly acceptable practice. How many people have you met over the years who gloated about being a Boston native? Or a Philly kid? Plenty, I'm sure. Certain cities breed this kind of annoying civic pride. But many places produce the exact opposite in their populace. Not a lot of people readily admit to being from Provo, Utah or Boise, Idaho.

Lucky me, I hail from just such a shameful locale. I was born and raised in Mesa, Arizona. Although few are aware of this, Mesa is the third largest city in Arizona behind Phoenix and Tucson. It's characterized by sweltering heat, strip malls, cookie-cutter houses and Mormons. Suffice to say, it is a Hell on Earth that in all my years of travel has only been surpassed in suckiness by places like Amarillo, Texas and Blythe, California. Mesa is the kind of milquetoast suburb that has as much personality as the local Wal-Mart can provide, i.e zero.

Until yesterday.

If you've been watching the news, (and shame on you if you haven't been suckling at the teet of our beloved corporate media!) you undoubtedly have heard that the serial killers who have been terrorizing the Phoenix area for over a year were caught -- at an appropriately non-descript apartment complex in Mesa.

Yes! My home town has finally done me right!

At last, when someone here in Chicago asks where I came from I can raise my head up high and proclaim "Mesa, Arizona - breeding ground of serial killers!" No longer do I have to sheepishly concede victory to the Windy City, a place that spawned such a beloved folk hero as John Wayne Gacy; nor do I have to acknowledge defeat to our neighbors in Milwaukee and their claim to the Michael Jordan of murderers, Jeffery Dahmer.

Some people are proud of their city because of stupid shit like their team winning the Super Bowl or because it's the birthplace of some douchebag like John Wayne. Fuck all that -- my town has the most prolific random gunshot killers this side of the Beltway Sniper. Thank God for a media that celebrates heinous behavior.